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You Asked: Should I Leave My Boyfriend?

DearSugar — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

At what point do I end a relationship with someone I truly love who has a temper, who treats me badly, but always say he's going to change? And how do I end this relationship when I am always wanting and willing to accept his apologies and take him back? He is my everything and I don't know what to do. Please help! — Reliant Rachel

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The How-To Lounge: Deciphering an Abusive Relationship

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Throughout October, I will be bringing you very important information about domestic violence and how you can protect yourself and the people around you. As we all know, abuse does not belong in any relationship so if your friend or someone you know is in an unhealthy situation, or if you're noticing a change in a friend's behavior — she's feeling ashamed, hopeless, or frightened — be sure to check out my tips on how to help.

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Teen Romance Is Rife With Abuse

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

A surprising and fairly depressing article from Reuters earlier this week examines two recent studies on adolescent romantic relationships in conjunction with physical and emotional abuse. Both studies, one online survey completed by Liz Claiborne Inc. and the other conducted by Christian Forke of Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, make references to the high rates of violence in preteen and teen relationships.

Clairborne's study makes a strong connection between abuse and early sexual activity, while Forke's findings iterate that emotional abuse can lead to other kinds of abuse later on. As noted in the article:

Forke found emotional violence — which includes verbal abuse and subjecting a partner to controlling behavior and put-downs — was the most common type of violence at all ages, especially before college. Forke surveyed students at three urban colleges and found nearly 45 percent had experienced relationship violence before or during college.

Abuse is never OK, but when coupled with youth and love, I imagine it can be especially damaging, specifically in regards to future relationships. While I certainly hope none of us experienced abuse as teenagers in love, I wonder: Did your early relationships affect your future or current relationships? Were your youthful love affairs positive or negative experiences?

Source

You Asked: Should Love Be This Hard?

DearSugar — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met this guy over a year and a half ago. We fell for each other instantly, intensely, and passionately. However three or four months in, it was clear (from our constant clashing) that we differed in personalities, likes and dislikes, opinions, communication styles, you name it. His inability at controlling his temper created a lot of problems for us. When we argue, it's common for him to call me names, swear at me, and make low blows. I know I don't deserve this, I've been treated far better by men in my life, yet I can't seem to leave this guy. I'm in love with him, and it breaks my heart to give up and walk away. What should I do? How can I gather courage, face the facts, and do what I need to do? — I Deserve Better Barb

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You Asked: Is the Other Shoe Going to Drop?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I need to start off by saying that every man who has ever been in my life since I was born has been, to put it bluntly, a jerk. My mom's boyfriends/husbands cheated on her, hit her, and abused her emotionally and psychologically. In my dating life, I've also come across quite a few of these types — cheaters, liars, and abusers. I know I don't deserve to be with a person like that, which is why I'm in a relationship now with an amazing guy. We live together and things are going well, but I can't seem to get past the seriously crippling anxiety that something is going to go wrong. I want to get past this more than anything — I want to be able to completely trust the person I love with all my heart, but it's just so hard for me. I know that not all guys are jerks, and I know I have a great one. I just need help finding a way to redefine men and relationships in my mind. Any advice would be sincerely appreciated. — Apprehensive Annabelle

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You Asked: I Have a Violent Streak

DearSugar — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I spend wonderful times together, but always after a great weekend or outing he goes into work mode and gets completely busy and distracted. I on the other hand have an idle mind, and I end up thinking a lot about our relationship — how I think it should be. I want to be able to see him every single day. I am a very assertive person, so I have no problem telling him what I want, but he has his own pace. I am impulsive and love to be living in the moment, and he takes his time with everything.

Yesterday he came over but only after I had nagged at him. But instead of appreciating it, I ended up screaming at him about how he could be so much better to me. I got carried away and ended up tugging on his shirt collar in a violent way. I'm so angry at myself for what I did, and I know that I really hurt him and scared him. I have anger problems that need help and I would hate to lose the best relationship of my life because I have no self-control. I know I can be very emotionally abusive when I "want" to be, and I have done things like this before. How can I learn to cope and save my relationship before it's too late?

— Demanding Deb

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Do High School Mean Girls Become Adult Bullies?

DearSugar — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Yesterday a story was released on CBS News' The Early Show" about eight Florida teens, including six females and two males, involved in the filming and beating of another teenage girl. According to reports, "the teens' motivation for the attack was to produce a video that would become popular on YouTube."

The victimization of women by other women has sadly always been par for the course when it comes to young social groups, but this truly displays a whole new level of awfulness. While Mean Girls may have made this phenomenon funny, it's incidents like these that remind us that real-life mean girls are nothing to laugh about.

Though I hope that many of these young women will grow up and realize the nature of their shameful deeds, I can't help but wonder what happens if they don't. Do you think this behavior is something girls can grow out of or do you think they just become adult bullies? Since workplace bullying has come under scrutiny, tell me ladies, have you experienced bullying from another woman as an adult?

Source

Handle This: You See What Could Be Domestic Abuse

DearSugar — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 11:00:00 -0700

After dinner with friends, you’re walking home alone and you notice a couple bickering. You don’t think anything of it until their voices become raised, and you hear the woman shout, “Stop it!” You turn to look and catch sight of the man shoving the woman hard against the wall.

Her voice is screechy and they're both obviously intoxicated. She’s trying to worm her way out from underneath his power hold, but you can see that she's having some difficulty getting away. You’re afraid he might hit her, but you also don’t want to put yourself in harms way, so how do you handle this?

Source

You Asked: Could This Be Abuse?

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I go through phases where we will play fight. It's totally harmless, but sometimes we end up really hurting each other. He'll pin me down so I can't move, and it really scares me. I tell him this, but I don't think he takes me seriously. I ask him repeatedly to get off me, but he won't. Sometimes I end up defending myself by hitting him back or pushing him off me. He usually gets angry at me, which seems totally unfair. I'm smaller than him.

I sometimes wonder if this is real abuse masked in playfulness. It's never gotten completely out of hand, but he obviously doesn't listen to me when I tell him to stop. If asking him to stop doesn't work, what else can I do?

— Scared and Unsure Sammy

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You Asked: My Neighbor Is Being Abused

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

Recently, my fiancé and I awoke to the screaming of obscenities from a couple who lives downstairs. We groggily listened to this disturbance before it escalated to what sounded like furniture being thrown around the room. Then we heard the female cry out these exact words: "Help me! My boyfriend is abusing me!" I immediately dialed 911. After I finished the call, we heard more violent knocking around and, finally, a car speeding off.

A few minutes after the police arrived, they knocked on our door since we were the ones to call the police. To our surprise, the woman denied the entire thing! The policeman told us that there were major chips and dents outside the door and walls downstairs. He believed us but couldn't do anything if the woman didn't want to help herself first.

This already has happened twice. We feel helpless in this situation. We want to do something, but we're afraid to confront this violent man who is abusing her. We have our own lives to keep safe, too. It seems all we can do is assist her anonymously. How can we tolerate listening to these repeated disputes and then have our help rejected whenever we try to protect her?

— Helpless Hailey

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You Asked: My Sister Told Me She Was Raped

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 14:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

Last week my sister told me that she'd invited a guy to her house to watch movies and that he forced himself on her. She said he ripped her clothes off and then forced penetration and — long story short — that he'd raped her and, by the sound of it, pretty violently. She told me that he made her promise not to tell anybody.

I told her I would take her to the police, but she refused because she wasn't sure about the exact details. My sister later told my parents that I was making it all up and that she hadn't said anything about being raped. I went absolutely off the handle at her! I think she got freaked out because the guy told her not to tell. To make matters worse, all of my family knows that I was raped when I was 15 (I'm 23 now), and reliving all of this has been really hard to deal with.

I'm not speaking to any of my immediate family. My boyfriend agrees that I shouldn't speak to any of them until I get a proper apology from my sister. She sent me a text message two days after I got angry at her for lying, saying that she hadn't done anything to make me relive my past and that I was overreacting. What should I do?

—In Disbelief Dara

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You Asked: Having Marital Problems and Scared

DearSugar — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I are having marital problems. We've been married for two years, and two weeks into the marriage, his father went into the hospital with a ruptured esophagus. We spent many hours driving his mother back and forth and staying at the hospital at least four times a week. Sadly, he passed away last January and then we had to move in with his mother to help take care of her. She was totally depressed and very sick, and my husband dealt with it by drinking. She ended up with lung cancer and recently passed away as well.

It was obviously a really tough time for my husband, and now the drinking has escalated and he's really unhappy. Our sex life is pretty much nonexistent — we've probably only had sex about ten times in two years. I try to talk to him about this, but he says things like "just take your half and leave," and "go find someone else to have sex with, maybe that will make you happy."

Last night he went to the bedroom and shut the door, so I left him alone. In the morning, I saw that the shot gun he uses for hunting was down from the rack and sitting next to the bed. I'm not sure who he was going to use it on, but now I'm really worried. Since I can't talk to him, I am going to find a counselor and see if that will help. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don't know what to do.

—Scared and Broken-Hearted

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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: How Do I Deal With an Abusive Father?

DearSugar — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 09:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar and Mistreated Melinda need your help. How can she deal with her mentally abusive father?

Dear Sugar,

Since my father grew up physically abused, he feels that he has every right to treat me however he wants. He orders me to do chores but mutters about how I'm completely inept. I clean my room, mop, vacuum, and do dishes, yet it's still a pig-sty to him. He also makes fun of the fact that I'm overweight, and has even gone so far as to hide food from me.

He treats my mom and I like dirt, and he's constantly yelling. He leaves for work complaining about how worthless we are, and then expects a back rub from me when he gets home.

The job market is especially poor in the area where we live, and he feels like it's my fault that I don't have a job yet. I'm just an extra expense to him. I feel completely abandoned because both my older sisters left home at 17, and my mom wishes I would move out too because then there'd be less for him to yell about. Moving out is not an option, I don't have enough money and I don't have anyone I can move in with.

My only option then is to confront him about how hurtful he is. I've written letters that I've planned to leave out for him when I'm not at home, but I always lose my courage and end up ripping them up. What can I do? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

—Mistreated Melinda

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Slapped My Girlfriend

DearSugar — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 09:00:00 -0700

I’d been dating my ex for the past 7 ½ months. Everything was absolutely wonderful with her, I can honestly say she’s the first person I’ve ever loved in my life. When I met her, it clicked instantly and I loved every moment of it. There was one instance in our relationship that went horridly wrong. She had stayed at my apartment that one night so I went to work in the morning and came back to meet her for lunch. When I got there, we ate, and then she wanted to have sex. I had been having a really stressful day at work, and wanted to have sex with her, but I knew I wouldn’t have really “been there” for it so I told her no. The next 10 minutes consisted of her begging for me to have sex with her, which to my mistake, I gave in.While we were making love, I was still stressed from work and had a tough time performing because I couldn’t get my mind clear - this was the first and only time we’ve had a problem with sex. I knew it wasn’t happening and I had 10 minutes to get back to work, so I apologized and said that I'd make it up to her later. She looked me into the eyes after hearing that and uttered the words, “Are you f***ing gay?” Within an instant, I gave her a slap across the face. It took me a second and I realized what I had done and I immediately ran out of the room and started crying. I was the guy who would never ever hit a girl. I had no idea what had happened. She wanted to end it right there and then, but I did my best to sit her down and pleaded with her that it was an accident, that I was extremely sorry and that it would never happen again. We got back together, but things have been a little rocky. She’s left me 3 times, but we keep giving it another try. Just this past week, she told me she couldn’t trust me and that she was afraid I would hit her again. The back and forth is killing me and I don’t want this relationship to end because of something that happened 2 ½ months ago. It was the only time it ever happened, which I wish I could say never did. I love this woman dearly and I want to know if I can be forgiven.Source

Sunday Confessional: I Slapped My Girlfriend

Forgive?

Not Forgive?

Undecided

You Asked: This is Abuse, Right?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

You would think I would know these things by now but I'm very confused. Maybe this is the way relationships are supposed to be. But I don't think so. I think I'm in a very abusive relationship and I don't know how to get out.

I've been engaged for 3 years, and I've never met my fiance's family, and I'm not allowed to speak to his friends, or be at the house when someone is there. He has everything in my name such as his cars, houses, utilities, cable, phone, gas, groceries, etc. He has never paid for one thing since we've been together. He works all the time but he never has any money. He forced me to buy a home that I can't afford and now I have all these credit card bills because he keeps charging to them. I'll call and cancel them and he calls and re-instates them.

He calls me names like you b*tch, c*nt, whore, and combinations of other vile disgusting things. He tells me I'm a black hole and that NO man would ever want me. I used to let it all slide and then I started arguing back, but it just makes it worse. He makes me feel like I bring this on myself.

He always accuses me of inquiring about his bank accounts which I never have, in fact this happened today. He called out "God make her stop," and "don't let her say another word, she is a liar," and "I can't hear anymore." I said again, "you are wrong I haven't lied to you. I did not inquire or look at your account." We were sitting in the middle of an intersection and he started throwing this tantrum, banging on the door and the dashboard, throwing his food at me, calling me names. He broke my console and then jumped out of the car while telling me he hated me and that I was a disgusting b*tch!

I grew up with an abusive father and I've been putting up with his for years. Why can't I see that he is using me and why can't I leave? I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm not crazy, this is abuse right?

--Can't Take it Anymore Carla

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You Asked: How Can I Move Past my Abusive Past?

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I was in a relationship for 4 years with an abusive man. He abused me mentally, verbally, physically, and cheated on me. We've been broken up for 11 months now but I'm still having trouble dealing with the aftermath. When I was with him I became a very anxious and nervous person, gained 15 pounds, and started drinking a lot. I was always on edge and could never relax.

Now, I'm doing better but not as good as I'd like. I'm still very anxious and I suspect this is where most of the weight gain came in (I'm a nervous and emotional eater). I don't drink as much, which is good, but I have trouble sleeping and can't relax a lot of the time. I do see a therapist, but when I told her about the physical abuse she said that it wasn't as bad as some stories she's heard (stories of sexual abuse, women being set on fire, etc, very horrific things), so I kind of felt like I shouldn't be upset about it since it's not as bad as what some women go through. However, I was choked, hit, pushed, bruised, shaken, and constantly emotionally and verbally abused. I guess I'm having much more trouble dealing with this than I thought I would. I'm so happy to be away from him, and I have great relationships with my family and friends now, but I still can't quite get over it all. -- Trying to Move on Molly

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You Asked: Did She Overstep Her Boundaries?

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I recently started a new job as a receptionist/lawyer's assistant at a small firm, 9 lawyers in all. There has been some down time in which I've been told it's fine for me to read or go online. Just today, one of the lawyers (she is not a senior-ranking lawyer) asked me if I was doing anything. After filing all morning, I was just sitting down for a break, covering the front desk while the office manager was at lunch.

I figured she had a work-related task for me. Instead, she asked "are you crafty at all? I have these birthday invitations for my daughter that need to get out in the mail next week." I asked if she wanted me to fill in names and addresses and other details, but she actually wanted me to assemble them! I was just kind of stunned and didn't know how to react because in fact, NO, I did not wish to assemble her daughter's birthday invitations. It makes me mad that she asked for this type of favor. Unfortunately I said that I'd do what I could as time provides - I wasn't sure how to respond being put on the spot like that not to mention feeling like I would have gotten in trouble if I had said no. Now I feel like I've opened the door for her to make other personal-related requests. How can I convey this tactfully in the future, and is there anything I should have done differently? -- Used Urna

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You Asked: How Can I Get Over My Husband's Abusive Past?

DearSugar — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I have been married to my husband for almost 21 years. To many people he appears the perfect husband, and in a way he is. He can cook, will help around the house and with the children and is generally very good to me. However, I have a problem.

When we were first married, for the first few years, every time we got into an argument he would hit me. He caused black eyes on occasion, made my nose bleed and left me with bruises. Every time it happened he was remorseful afterwards and promised that it would never happen again and eventually he did stop hitting me.

He is however still quite threatening in his stance when we have an argument now, and although I do actually believe that he wouldn't hit me again, every time we fight, it brings back vile memories for me. He denies any current threatening attitude, and admittedly that is all it is really, and he gets upset when I mention the past.

He is a good husband in so many ways, but these memories have put a distant shadow over our marriage. I have five lovely children, and I want really to keep the marriage alive for them. Do you think that I can ever get rid of this ghost?

--Hurting Helene

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You Asked: Should I Move in?

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I'm currently in a relationship with my girlfriend who has two kids, 4 and 2. She is married and is going through a tough divorce. We have only been together for 5 months, but I absolutely adore and love her. But we are currently in a situation where her ex-husband just shows up, unannounced, to her apartment, and harasses her to get back together with him. It has become a very frustrating situation because my girlfriend has made it very clear that she has no interest and that their marriage is long over.

She has asked me to move in with her, and while I do love her, I just don't feel like we are ready to take that step in our relationship. It is very unsettling for me when her ex comes around her and her kids because he has an abusive past, and I don't want to move in with her to be her protector. Sometimes I just feel like ending it, like there is simply too much baggage, but other times I feel like this could be true love. I am at a total loss and would love some advice. -- Looking out Lawrence

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Is it Okay NOT to Tell my Mom Where I Live?

DearSugar — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

Currently, my mom lives out of state but as of next month - she's moving where I live. She is one of those crazy, emotionally and physically abusive types of people - the type of mom who cleaned out my bank account a few years ago (she said I passed away)! The type of Mom who would smack you around if you didn't clean the right way. I've learned that I can't change her and keep contact just by mail or email. Life is good and peaceful.

So, I just bought a condo. I don't want her to know my exact address (since she was the type of mom who also sold all my personal belongings at one point). Is it okay not to tell my mom where I live or work, etc and to keep my life 100% separate from her?

-- Finally Happy Haley

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