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You Asked: I Don't Want My Best Friends to Date

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My two best friends (guy and a girl) like each other, but I have really strong feelings against them being together. First off, my girl friend is a man eater. She dates a guy for a week and then when things get semi serious, she dumps him. If she does that to my guy friend, he will be crushed and I don't want to see him hurt. Secondly, I have a feeling that if they do start dating, I will be the third wheel and it could become awkward for me to hang out with them together, especially since she makes a habit of ditching me for her boyfriends.

I told him how I feel but he freaked out on me and told me stay out of it. I don't know how to tell her not to hurt him or how to stop anything tragic from happening. Am I overreacting? I'm just worried about what the outcome could be. — Third Wheel Wendy

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You Asked: We Broke Up, Now Things Are Better Than Ever

DearSugar — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My old boyfriend from five years ago and I began speaking again a year ago, after both of us got out of really unhealthy relationships. At the time he was living across the country, but we developed a relationship and he decided to move back. At first our relationship was a dream. He was considerate, caring, sensitive, and treated me very well. Soon after he moved back, he also started working long hours while attending school, and our relationship became strained. He's always had a bad temper, but I began seeing more of it. We would rarely have sex, and he would often seem distant. Although he was apologetic when it was brought up, he would never really change his behavior.

Last week, after one particularly bad weekend, I felt I had no other choice but to end the relationship. The next day we talked and both agreed that it just wasn't working. He apologized sincerely for the way he had been treating me and described just how tired and stressed he's been. The night we had this talk was honestly one of the most special nights we have ever had, even though we were ending things. We made love and it was better then it had ever been before. He's called me every day since and it seems like he's turned back into the guy I used to know.

I only broke up because I felt I had no choice due to the way I was being treated, but now that things are so good, I want to get back together. Are we building our relationship again? And if so, should I demand to know where he stands? Or is that jumping the gun?

— Together or Not Taylor

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You Asked: I'm Homesick; Should I Move Back?

DearSugar — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I know most people write in and ask if they should move to be with their boyfriends; well I did, but now I'm having second thoughts. I lived in Indiana and moved to Arizona to be with my boyfriend. We were together a year long-distance before I moved. I love him, he treats me well and he is a great guy, but I am so homesick! I miss my family and friends terribly. I talk to him about moving back home, but he would never go back with me — he is from Indiana as well. It is wrong of me to think that he doesn't love me as much as I think he should because he wouldn't move back with me? We talk about marriage, and I want to be with him, but I'm just not happy here. Please help! — Homesick Hannah

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You Asked: Should I Make the Next Move?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Last Saturday night I met this good-looking guy at one of the college bars downtown. We hit it off pretty well and he asked for my phone number so he could text me later. However, all I got was a friend request on Facebook. I'm usually good at not getting my hopes up, but I found myself venting to my friends about how to take this to the next level. My guy friends tell me that he probably just thought I was attractive and wanted to see if he could get my number. I haven't heard from him, it's been two days, so they think he's probably just lost interest or too chicken to text or call.

My girl friends are telling me that he's shy and doesn't want to be too forward. I don't know what to believe. I've been thinking a lot about this guy and I want to know if I should pursue this or let it go. Should I send him a message on Facebook? Wait until I see him again? Or just forget him completely? Please help!

— Next Step Sammie

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You Asked: Is Our Anniversary Ruined?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fourth wedding anniversary is coming up at the end of this month. Every year, my husband and I try to take a vacation around this holiday. The problem is I plan the trip every year but have a lot going on with work right now and the stress of planning is just too overwhelming. I conveyed this to my husband and he said he would take on the task. I was a little apprehensive at first, maybe due to my own issues with control, but I got over it and agreed. Well here is the problem; we are now two weeks away from our anniversary and he has yet to plan anything! Last night, we looked online at some places within driving distance, but truth be told, I am a little upset that he didn't make more of an effort to plan something special. I fear that now, I will have to come up with something last minute. Why is it so hard to get a man to make plans?! — Disappointed Dina

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You Asked: Is He Actually Committed?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we live right next to each other — we've actually been neighbors for years. I am 24 and he is 29. The timing isn't certain, but he's been planning to move a half an hour to an hour away where it will be more convenient for work. Also, the areas he's looking at are much cheaper for buying a house. I really don't want to be away from him, so he suggested that I move with him, and we can get a house together. I really like the idea of living together, but the only problem is I believe that moving in together without the serious commitment of marriage has a lot of consequences.

We've never talked about marriage, but he does say that moving in together is the start of our life together. But why would he be willing to make a permanent commitment if all the privileges of marriage are there without any of the responsibilities? It makes me think he's not ready for the actual commitment of marriage, and I don't want to enter into some kind of pseudo-marriage situation. If I tell him this, I don't want it to sound like I’m suggesting or forcing marriage, but I also don't want him to think that I just don't want to live with him. Am I just being too paranoid and thinking too much into this? Should I go with the flow?

— Marriage and Moving Malia

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You Asked: Should I Move For Love?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am 29 years old and in love with a guy who is in love with me. We met several months ago, but just a couple of weeks ago he moved thousands of miles away for a job — our relationship wasn't established enough for him to stay here with me over the job, or for me to quit my job and leave everything behind to move with him. We decided to stay committed since we love each other so much, but I feel so sad that he's gone. We couldn't have been more excited to have met each other and spend time together, and now that he's not physically here, I'm feeling incredibly empty. We are both getting to a point in our lives were we would like to settle down, but I have family, friends, and a good job here. He had the same, but was having a horrible time finding a good job in his field so he had to relocate. I plan to go back to school and get my master's degree where I currently live and continue to work at my job. We have talked about what it would take for things to work out between us and he feels strongly that after a year, if we are still in love, that we need to be together. The only thing is that that would probably require me to move, meaning giving up my grad school program, my job, and my life as I know it. I understand that I might be jumping the gun here, but I don't know what to do. Should I try dating other people or should I stay open to changing my life around for the man I love? — In Limbo Lanna

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You Asked: How Long Should I Wait for Him?

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I wasn't looking for love, but it found me, and I've now been dating my boyfriend for five months. We've been so happy and spend every moment together, but out of the blue, he asked me for some time to think — he doesn't even want us to see each other. I asked him if he wanted to break up or see other people, and he said no. He thinks that because of how much we talk and how far we've come in just five months that I am somehow too dependent on him. What does this mean? How much time should I give him before I move on?

— When to Pull the Plug Pauline

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You Asked: I Was Dumped Over Email!

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am a 25-year-old professional. Yesterday, the 27-year-old man I had been dating dumped me in a four-sentence email. Two days prior, I met his sister and brother-in-law for the first time and we shared a wonderful dinner with all of their friends. His reason for ending the relationship? My personality was too similar to his sister's and it made him feel "strange." He said that while she is (and I am) a good person, it wasn't what he was looking for. He refuses to discuss this in person and I am having a tough time as a result. I need a better understanding of why he would choose to break up with me by email, and why for those reasons? It just doesn't make sense to me. — Need More of a Reason Rachel

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You Asked: My Life Has Fallen Apart, Now What?

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I really feel like I am at the end of my rope. A year ago, I met the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We didn't become official until this February, but since then his ex has been trying to contact him nonstop even though he's told her to leave him alone. I graduated from school this year and got a job. I lost that job this week. We live together so I imagine my not having a job has him under some stress.

Since then, I noticed he has resumed contact with her and in turn, has started acting mean towards me. He has called me fat and has referred to me as a loser. Now he has refused to have any physical contact with me, and has basically vanished out of the apartment without a trace. He claims he needs space, but won't say until when. He doesn't even seem sorry for the way he's treated me.

I don't know what to do and I am starting to feel very hopeless. I have no immediate job prospects, I have no money, and the guy I thought loved me now apparently wants nothing to do with me. I can't even call him because he will just tell me to leave him alone. I don't know what to do and I really am feeling severely depressed, to the point of immobility. I don't understand how things can change so quickly.

— Down and Out Deanna

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You Asked: My Time Is Running Out

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly two years, and living with him for the last year. He is wonderful and I truly couldn't ask for more. We talk about getting married and our future fairly often. I recently found out that I may have a hard time getting pregnant, and was told that the sooner I try, the better. My problem is that while we both know that marriage is in our future, I also know that he is not ready to settle down and have kids quite yet. We're both 26 and I typically would not be in any rush myself, but knowing that I may not have a chance to have a baby has made me very impatient, to the point where I am sometimes angry at him for not being ready.

He knows my situation and we've talked about having babies sooner than we had planned, maybe even before we're married, but part of me is afraid that if I miss out on my chance to have kids, I will blame him for it. I just don't know how to wait more patiently, and not take my frustration out on him. — Impatient Izzy

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You Asked: I Want More From My One Night Stand

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was in a serious relationship for six years and I am now single. Up until last week, I hadn't had sex in eight months! On Saturday night, I met up with a guy I used to have feelings for. I invited him over and we had sex. There wasn't much flirting, kissing, or any kind of lustful passion. We did it and then hung out for an hour afterwards. I thought that would be the end of that, but he called me the next day and came over. We just hung out that time, but the following day he texted me and we started flirting. It's clear to me that he's looking for a hookup and that he's used to this lifestyle. He's incredibly sexy and I could see him getting girls easily. I know I was wrong for sleeping with him so quickly, but I like him now. Is there anyway to change the direction of our relationship at this point? He obviously sees me as a sex buddy, but I want more. We've been hooking up almost every day now.

— Hooked Up Hilary

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You Asked: Should I Continue to Date Him?

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm a recently separated 20-something. I've been on my own for a few months now and have dated casually. About a month ago I met a guy through work, though we have virtually no contact there; we're not even in the same building. We've been hanging out regularly and I'm having a good time with him. We go out to eat, watch movies, go to bars; just normal stuff. I do have two issues though. First, I'm afraid that he drinks too much. Normally, I would say to each their own, but that was one of the main reasons why I left my husband. Second, I'm starting to feel a bit smothered. When we're together, he is laid-back, but when we're apart, he texts me and wants to hang out, says he misses me, etc. Being wanted is nice, but one thing that I've learned about myself is that I need my alone time.

Basically, I feel that while I like him and enjoy spending time with him, he's not the one for me. We haven't discussed anything about our future, so is it wrong for me to continue seeing him when I know it will eventually end? — He's Convenient Constance

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You Asked: How Do I Kick Out My Roommate

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I live with my cousin, and moving in with her was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. At first when we sat down and talked about living together, it sounded it like it would work. We came to an understanding about how we would live and things started off well. But then she quit her job, without having a new one lined up, so I've had to fill in the gap in rent that she couldn't afford. Finally another month went by, she managed to get a job, but she still couldn't afford the rent. She wanted to just pay it late, but I told her it would look bad for both of us, and she'd end up with the late fee. So I offered to pay her rent again, but only on the condition she pay me back as soon as possible including the late fee.

She finally got paid, but when she went to pay me back, she only gave me one month's rent, not including the late fee. I tried to rationalize with her about why I should get that money, but she refused. I've hit my limit now and I want her out! She can't even take care of herself and she's completely self-absorbed. I've told her to leave, but she thinks I'm joking. How do I get her to go?

— Roommate Blues Rae

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You Asked: I'm Getting Depressed About Being Unemployed

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just finished my master's in May and I still can't find a job. I am in the education field and I live on Long Island, where jobs are hard to find. My boyfriend and I have an apartment together, and he is working a lot to keep us afloat. We have considered relocating for my sake but figured we would allow some time first. Money aside, I am having a really hard time dealing with being unemployed. I am feeling sad over the fact that my boyfriend is overworked and has to basically support me. I feel like all of the time and money I spent on my education is not paying off. I have a part-time job, I work evenings, so I spend most of the day at home and then miss my boyfriend because he has a day job. At first, I took advantage of getting myself organized and continuing my job search, but now I have a hard time getting out of bed and feel like there is no purpose to my day. I know that I am depressed. I would love to have some input on how I can get out of this slump and get on with things. — Desperate Davida

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You Asked: What Does He Mean by "Break"?

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five and half years. We've dated since high school and throughout college, but have also had some rough periods. This Summer he got accepted into a four-year pharmacy program in another city. Before he left, he dropped a bomb on me: He wanted to breakup. I was heartbroken but we talked before his move and he told me he always saw his future with me but wasn't sure if his feelings were strong enough presently to do long distance for the next eight months.

We decided to keep things open, but he's created an entirely new life and even though we talk every day, he says he feels single and he likes it. Still, he maintains that he wants to be with me eventually. His proposed solution was that we take a "break" until Christmas, when he will be home next, in hopes that he will realize that he wants to be with me 100 percent. He said that it would mean we would talk less and be able to see other people, which he said he had no intentions of doing.

I agreed on this break hoping that it would bring us together in the end. We decided to write a list of guidelines during this period in order to make the break work. When I mentioned to him one guideline I had — no fooling around with other people (going on dates was acceptable) — he became hesitant. I don't think that messing around with other people will solve our issues. So all this leads me to wonder exactly what he means by "break." Does he want to be single for now but knows that he will have me in the end? My definition of a break was to reassess our relationship and figure out if we want to be together in the future. I don't want to end up getting hurt in the end. Please help!

— Uncertain Ciara

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Have an Affair?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’m married to a man who works 14 hours a day. When he finally gets home he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t ask how our 7-year-old son is, he only grunts, gets a bottle of water out of the fridge, sits down in front of his computer and does more work. He hasn’t thrown a baseball with our son once! When he’s home he’s either in front of his computer in his den or watching golf on TV. He’s so closed off and self-involved that when I suggest we actually play nine holes of golf together, he says his back hurts. He pays more attention to our Labrador than to me and his son.

We don’t eat dinner together (he usually eats with “important” clients), we don’t sleep together (he sleeps in the den), we haven’t gone to a movie or a restaurant in a year, and have not had sex in three years.

On the other hand, he’s a great provider and my life is rather pleasant. I have closets full of clothes, a new car, a personal trainer, and my son is going to the best country day school in the county. But my husband does not talk to me. Every day I try to be cheerful, upbeat, try to suggest fun “dates,” interest him in the neighborhood gossip, but nothing. I cook great meals, invite people over — he leaves our guests and goes and sits at his computer!

I knew my husband was a loner when I married him, I also knew our sex life was not the hottest thing going — but what do I do with no sex and no social life? Recently I met a very nice man at the dog groomer’s and we’ve been meeting for coffee. I love our deep conversation — I’m starting to feel human again! He makes me feel appreciated and like I have something to contribute to the world. I’m writing because a couple of days ago he kissed me and my world exploded. I’ve never wanted anything or anybody like I want this man. But I also don’t want to divorce my husband. What do I do? Nobody’s even listened to me in years, let alone kissed me! — Feeling Like New

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You Asked: I'm Ready For a Ring!

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We are high school sweethearts and 24 years old. We both agreed that once we finished our master's degrees, we would get married. We graduated in May and while there has been talk about our engagement, there's been no ring! Recently, our good friends who have been together almost as long as we have announced their engagement. Even though I am happy for them, part of me is really angry, jealous, and upset. Seven years is an extremely long time to be with someone, and I am ready to take the next step. As I said, we have communicated about marriage and I know it's what he wants too, but I am feeling more and more frustrated that he hasn't asked me yet. He is caring and kind and I know he loves me, so I don't know if I should say something to him, or wait a little longer, in hopes that he is planning a special engagement. What should I do? — Ready For a Ring Rachel

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You Asked: Does Love Fade?

DearSugar — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for just over four years. Those four years have been both turbulent and amazing, and also the best four years of my life. We've been through a lot together including his travel-oriented career, family drama, a few dramatic breakups, and me going to school 1,500 miles away. Somehow our love and our relationship has survived all that.

Currently I'm visiting him at his training site for his new job. He's at the site for two months, meaning that if I didn't visit, I wouldn't see him until Christmas. But the problem is, I don't know if I love him anymore. I'm here for a few more days and then I won't see him until December, or possibly Thanksgiving. Should I tell him now, leave early, and risk being wrong about my feelings? Or should I stay, not being sure? He's here for another three weeks after I leave, and I can't stand him being lonely and sad throughout that time; he has nobody here. How do I know if my love has faded?

— Lost Love Laney

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You Asked: Should We Un-Invite Them to Our Wedding?

DearSugar — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I got engaged last November, and our wedding is set for Oct. 18. Last March, my fiancé's company was bought out by a corporation and in early April, the entire office was shut down unexpectedly. He was out of work until July when he was hired by a small independent technology company (and by small, I mean a total of seven employees). He was having a great time for the first few months; he really enjoyed his new boss, co-workers and responsibilities. During that time, we were writing out our wedding guest list and to be friendly, we invited his new co-workers and their significant others. A few months later, he became really unhappy with the company as a whole and is at the point now where he's going to apply elsewhere. If he finds something, he may quit before the wedding. So my question is this: if he does quit before the wedding, how do we handle his current co-workers that have RSVP'd yes? Do we un-invite them? Do we tell them that we still want them there but we understand if they change their minds? I have no idea how to handle this, so any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated. — About to Wed Wendy

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You Asked: He's Obsessed With Sex

DearSugar — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I moved really fast in our relationship, which is great! Everything has worked out really well. The first few months that we dated we made out a lot, but we didn't have sex. We wanted to get to know one another without sex being involved. As passionate as we both felt about one another, we knew sex would not be an issue, which turned out to be true. But now he is obsessed with sex; he wants it all the time! And a lot of his pleasure is derived from me getting pleasure. That's fine, except sometimes I don't feel up to it.

I have discussed this with him, and he's told me that sex is a very important aspect of his life, but of course I didn't know just how important it was until after we moved in together. Obviously, I don't want him to totally stop initiating sex, but I can't do it every time he wants it and it makes him upset. Is his behavior normal? Am I just being unrealistic? What do I do now?

— All the Time Alicia

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You Asked: My Guilt Is Overwhelming Me

DearSugar — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

This issue has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now, and the guilt has been absolutely eating me up inside. A couple of weeks ago, a few friends of mine all got drunk (myself included) to celebrate our guy friend's return for the weekend. He has been dating a girl that I know for a few months, but he and I have always had a sort of thing for each other. That night we got very drunk and to make a long story short, we ended up sleeping together. He also told me that he'd been sleeping with another woman while he was away from home and from his girlfriend. I feel absolutely terrible and haven't told anyone about this. I can't seem to get over the guilt I feel and it's destroying me — I feel shameful and I'm scared that if this gets out, everyone will hate me. I'm at a complete loss as to what I should do, and I really need some advice. I've learned my lesson with the drinking and haven't had more than a glass of wine at most, but I know the damage is already done. Please tell me what to do! — Regretful Reagan

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You Asked: Am I Overreacting?

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I fell for my very best friend. We began dating, and not a week later, a serious crisis occurred in my family and I told him I could not start a relationship under such circumstances. We went our separate ways, and he was very bitter towards me for a while. He immediately began dating a girl, wound up getting her pregnant, and now they are married. Although our friendship suffered serious blows, he will always be someone very dear to me. On occasion we've run into each other at parties, and it's like nothing changed, until a few months ago.

One night we both had a number of cocktails in us and began discussing the unfortunate turn our relationship took. The conversation ended when he grabbed my face and kissed me. Since then, he has contacted me a few times online, asking to hang out. Generally I've ignored these messages, but now he is texting and calling more frequently, asking to just spend a little time with me and talk. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. Spending time alone with a married man with whom I have a past seems inappropriate. I've already caused him to cross the line once, and I refuse to be a part of such a thing again.

All I can think about are his wife and her child, and how this would make me feel if I were in her shoes. Am I overthinking his request? If not, is there a way to handle this without causing any more damage to the memory of our friendship or his marriage?

— Fraught Friendship Fima

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You Asked: Can I Learn to Tolerate Her?

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been great friends with my boyfriend for 10 years now and we have been dating for three. Throughout that time, I've become close with many of his friends. I love them dearly and I respect the close relationships he has maintained throughout the years, and I know that they respect and love me as their own good friend now too. Unfortunately, from day one, I have never really taken to my boyfriend's best friend's now-wife. She was rude to me when we began dating and later explained that she just didn't like "outsiders" dating her best friend — but I'm not an outsider! We were friends for 10 years before we started to date! Of course knowing how much his friends mean to him, we laughed it off. As the years pass, I can't help but cringe when I find out she will be anywhere we are. And the sad thing is I absolutely adore her husband. He is sweet, kind, smart, and a ton of fun. In social settings, she is alienating, rude, loud, unkempt, and just a total nightmare to be around.

I love all the other guys’ girlfriends, but this one makes my skin crawl and I can't take it anymore. What can I do to have a good time when we're all out? I hate having my evenings ruined because I have to listen to the loud, obnoxious things that she says. Any ideas? — Fed Up Phoebe

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You Asked: He's Sending Mixed Signals

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me about a month ago. Before the breakup things were great; we were having a wonderful Summer. We talked of being together forever and we were so in love, but he had other things going on in his life. He didn't get into the school he wanted and is now taking a year off to work. It's a hard issue for him; I think he feels like a failure. But when he's home, all he does is play video games and he only works three days a week.

I do love him and he's very important to me, but it seems like he ended things just so he could avoid commitment. He said he doesn't love me the same way anymore but wants to remain friends, although his behavior has shown nothing like that. Recently I decided to stop contact with him, and I noticed that his phone calls started coming in more frequently. When we do see each other, which is rare, he tries to flirt with me. I'm sick of him calling me all the time and acting as if we're together when we're not. I've tried to talk to him and set boundaries, but so far all he's done is try to surpass them. My question is what else can I do to get the point across? How can I help him realize that he needs to be more responsible? How can I communicate these things and ultimately help him find his way?

— Over It Ilea

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You Asked: Should We Take It to the Next Level?

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My best guy friend and I have known each other for about eight years. We went to neighboring colleges, but after we graduated, we moved to different states. We kept in touch but didn't see each other like we usually did. Over the years, my feelings changed for him from friends to more than friends. I've had numerous conversations with him about it and he says he feels the same way but is afraid that if we take it to the next level, it will ruin our friendship.

I recently came back from visiting him. Spending time with him made my feelings stronger. When I asked him how he felt, he couldn't give me a straight answer. He just said he doesn't want to mess up what we have. I don't want to ruin our friendship either, but I really think he could be the one for me. Can you give me any advice with this situation? I'm almost obsessing about it! Should I keep our relationship in the friend zone, or should I try to pursue something more? — Interested Irene

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You Asked: Should I Wait and See if He Changes His Mind?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Back in July my boyfriend confessed that he lied to me about being a virgin — he had actually been with six girls before me. He was my first and it hurt terribly that someone I loved would lie to my for a year and half. I forgave him because I loved him and he genuinely was sorry; the guilt was eating away at him. In the end, he asked for a break and I was devastated. Apparently he had to work out some issues regarding his family and his job. I asked him specifically what a break meant, and he said he just wanted a month without contact.

I haven't seen him for about three weeks. We've both been incredibly busy, but I'm willing to make time and he's not. I asked to spend a day with him and he finally said OK. He blew me off and I waited around like an idiot. I called and left an angry voicemail and instead of calling me back, he proceeded to email me the next day only to go on about a blow-out fight he had with his parents. I replied back that instead of shutting me out he needs to open up to me. He is miserable and seems depressed. He says that he loves me but everything is too crazy right now for him to be in a relationship.

I just don't know where to go from here. I love him and I want to be together, but he can't seem to make the time for me. I know that what we have isn't a real relationship right now so is it over or should I sit tight and see what happens? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop thinking about all of it.

— I'm a Basket Case Bryn

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Can a Relationship Without Sex Work?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I'm trying to sort out my dilemma, which concerns the man I've been dating for two months — he's 34, me 30. We have an incredible amount of things in common, laugh a lot together, both have our ducks in a row career-wise and financially. We love surfing together, making dinner, biking, we've traveled together twice without a hitch, gee what a match!

Well after about a month of wonderful, he freaks out and doesn't call me one night we have plans. I call him the next day, and he tells me he had a freak-out because we’ve been having sex, which doesn't align with his Christian values. Now he knows it's wrong. So end result, he wants to date, but no more sex.

He's been engaged twice before, both ended by the ladies. He thinks he may have rushed into the engagements because he's Christian and believes in waiting until marriage for sex.

Another month goes by. He says I've been “amazing and sweet”. He says I’m fun and he likes that I don't play games. He says I "have all the qualities he would want in a girlfriend," but he's not there yet. My stunned response was "it's only been two months . . . we're still just getting to know each other, so dating is fine."

My questions: Am I being let down easy; should I get out now? I wonder why he wants to continue seeing me. I feel like on paper I'm his ideal, attractive, outdoorsy, fun, laid-back, low-maintenance woman but perhaps something is missing for him and he wants to make sure? Or is he just looking to not be alone? Would I regret it more if I ended it now (the constant flip-flopping is killing me), or gave it a chance only to have another whammy delivered later? Or am I overthinking it entirely and should just live my life and let the chips fall where they may?

Speaking of which, we have not had sex since “the talk,” and have barely fooled around, in fact he rarely touches me now — a big problem. He acknowledges that he's not very affectionate.

Help! I can't sleep, because I alternate between crying because I feel so rejected, and angry that he's so all over the map. That's my story. I feel like there’s potential with him, but is it worth it? Oh, I should comment that I am not Christian, but very supportive of his values, and thought it was so refreshing to date someone that believes in faithfulness and honesty and the sanctity of marriage. — Nauseated in San Diego

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You Asked: Should I Quit My Job?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I really dislike my job; I might even go as far as saying I hate it. I work for a hotel at the front desk, and not only do I have to deal with rude guests all day, but I have to deal with rude and inconsiderate co-workers as well. I have been with the company for over a year, but I've never felt appreciated and I dread going to work every day. I would quit, but I am taking a week paid vacation in November and I am moving to a different state in March, so I feel like maybe I should just stick it out until then. I'm afraid that if I leave now I wont be able to take my vacation, plus I can't really afford to go a week without pay. And I'm also afraid that if I leave after my vacation, it will look bad on my resume to only have had a job for four months. What should I do? Stick it out and be miserable for the next six months, or run while I can still salvage my sanity? — Disgruntled Dede

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You Asked: He Won't Have Sex With Me

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years in October. He is 31 and I am 23. We have two children together, a three year old and a nine month old. Since I became pregnant with our youngest, things have been lacking in the bedroom. We had sex five times between April 2007 and April 2008 and since then, we've only had sex once, and that was in July. I'm so confused and unbelievably hurt. Just thinking about it makes me sob; I can't help but feel like it's my fault that he never wants to touch me anymore. I've tried talking with him and telling him how it makes me feel, but nothing changes. We live together, and he is currently unemployed, so I know he isn't cheating. I go to bed every night with the hopes that something is going to be different and it never is. It's now spilling over into everyday life. Is there any hope? What is wrong with him?

— Sexually Frustrated Sybil

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You Asked: Do I Have a Right to Feel Cheated?

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I had a decent size wedding of about 120 people. Each guest cost my parents about $130. One family we invited sticks out in particular. Eight people in their party showed up (all adults) and when it came time to open gifts after the wedding, theirs was $100 — $100 from eight grown, working adults!! My husband and I were both shocked initially because the family is pretty well-off, but my husband decided we should let it go.

We've been married for over a year now and I can't seem to completely get over this. They are family friends of my husband so I hate to mention it to him, but it still hurts me to this day. I know I'm being selfish, but do I have a right to feel kind of cheated? I would never dare approach the family about it, but I've lost a lot of respect for them. In fact, their daughter (who attended our wedding) is getting married at the end of the month and I'm tempted to skimp out on her gift just in spite. Are my feelings justified? And when it comes to wedding gifts, what are the general rules anyway? — Holding a Grudge Gretta

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You Asked: I Love Him, Now What?

DearSugar — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are both 20 years old and have been in our relationship for six months. We are both shy. I love him and I want to tell him, but I'm not sure he feels the same way. I don't want to scare him off and I don't want to force him into saying it only because I said it first. I thought he was going to say it the other night because he said he had something to tell me; however, he was partying at the time and he left the conversation saying we would talk when he was in a better state. We did see each other after that evening, but he has not mentioned anything to me.

Now I don't know what to think. I'm afraid to bring up the conversation because I'm not sure if he remembered what he was going to say. I love him and I want him to know. Any advice?

— In Love Leah

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You Asked: Should I Ask For Closure?

DearSugar — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met the "perfect" guy for me about four months ago. We had great chemistry, similar worldviews, and we always got along great. He made me feel like the center of his universe when we were together and I trusted him completely. About three months in, what was supposed to be a Summer fling ended up getting extended because my moving plans changed. Around that time he started doing the ever-so-transparent freeze-out: our regular dates, phone calls, and texts dried up to once a week at most. I confronted him as to whether or not he was seeing anyone else or if he wanted to discontinue our relationship, and he assured me that he wasn't seeing anyone and that he was still very into me. I believe that he isn't seeing anyone else, but it seems crystal clear that he just isn't that into me anymore.

My better judgment tells me that I should let it go — I've already started talking to other guys and getting back out there. But my petulant side thinks that I deserve some sort of closure. I think our time together was worthy of some formal/official "farewell" rather than him disappearing and hoping I wouldn't notice. It hurts because we were honest and upfront from the beginning, and now I'm having a hard time remembering our good times fondly because of the way that things are ending. Should I just get over it and not drag it out, or can I pursue some form of closure so I can properly move on? — In Limbo Lanna

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You Asked: I Upset Her, So Now What?

DearSugar — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

It's been two weeks since my college friend, who became a co-worker, has been giving me the cold shoulder. I've asked her if anything was wrong or if I had offended her in some way but she just ignores me. I asked her to coffee, to lunch, and to go for a walk so we could talk, but she turns me down each time.
I just found out through a girl at work why she's upset: she was offended when I made a comment about her buck teeth during lunch one day. I said, "I never noticed this before but you have buck teeth! It's cute! My sisters have them, too. It's like Kate Hudson." I didn't mean to hurt her feelings; she just went on with the conversation so I didn't know that I had. I've tried to apologize several times but as it turns out, she's been talking about me behind my back. What should I do? — At a Loss Annie

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You Asked: Should I Choose My Boyfriend?

DearSugar — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for three and half years, and he's cheated on me more than once in that time. Obviously we have a lot of trust issues, and in this past year our relationship has become even crazier. I've finally decided I need a change. I found someone else who just makes me feel happy; I just wish my boyfriend would do this. The other man I've met is married and has asked me to be serious with him — he wants to leave his wife to be with me. But I don't know what to do. Should I stay with my current boyfriend who treats me like I'm not important, or do I dump him to pursue the other guy who happens to be married? Help me!

— Cheaters Never Prosper Chelsea

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You Asked: My Sister-in-Law Is Competitive With Me

DearSugar — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 16:40:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have a sister-in-law who I've been having a hard time dealing with lately. We used to be a lot closer, but over the past two years we have grown apart. My husband's family decided to buy two hair salons, one of which my sister-in-law was employed at. And it just so happens that I'm in the business as well, so we've been working together, too. Ever since then she has tried to compete with me. We are both managers and though we do have some differing views on managing the salons, our priorities for the most part are the same.

Recently I left a note for one of the employees to make sure she properly handled her clean-up and I got a nasty response back. Instead of defending me or helping me deal with it, my sister-in-law just laughed about it. It's obvious she doesn't value me as her partner, and I don't know how to deal with it. What can I do to make this situation better?

— Sister-in-Law Stress Sadie

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You Asked: I Don't Know What to Believe

DearSugar — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of five months just told me that he has chlamydia. He swears he hasn't cheated on me, but after researching STIs, I found out that symptoms usually surface within a week or two. I talked to a doctor and was told that while it's possible for symptoms to show up months after being infected, they usually show up within seven to 21 days. We are together all the time, so his response to my accusations was, "When would I have had time to cheat on you?" As it turns out, he was out of town about a week and a half ago, visiting some college friends, which makes perfect sense time-wise. I am in love with him and things have been going really well so I don't want to mess things up by being jealous or paranoid; however, I won't tolerate cheating and/or lying — I just want to know the truth. What should I do (besides getting treated for chlamydia!)? — Skeptical Sasha

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You Asked: I Don't Want to Ruin My Parents' Friendship

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been really close with one of my friends since we were about six years old because our parents are childhood friends, too. About five years ago I hooked her up with my best male friend, and they really hit it off. I also started dating someone and we all became a group of friends; we used to double date and do everything together.

About a year and a half ago they broke up — he dumped her. It was a really nasty split, and she was left deeply hurt. Of course, me and my boyfriend were there for her and tried to make her feel better. At one point she got really mad at us because we were hanging out with him too. We tried to explain to her that we didn't want to take sides, but she didn't seem to care. She decided to stop talking to us. At the beginning of this year my significant other and I broke up, too, and a month later in a drunken stupor, I ended up having sex with my friend's ex (my closest male friend).

It's been six months since that night and it actually developed into a beautiful relationship. But sometimes it's hard because in public places or in front of common friends, we have to pretend that we`re just good buddies; we can't let my ex or friend find out. Honestly, I don't really care about what they think but I'm afraid that her parents would get mad at my parents for what I've done. I really don't want to ruin my parents' friendship if this gets out. What can I do? We're sick of hiding it.

— Hiding Hannah

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Do I Tell My Husband the Truth About Our Son?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’m close to losing my mind. This week I received the results of a paternity test. It confirms that my husband is not the father of our 10-year-old son, our oldest child. The news will absolutely destroy my husband and devastate our four happy children.

How did this happen? Three days before I married my husband, a guy I dated in college came over to my house, took me out to dinner, and begged me not to get married. Afterwards he drove me to the beach, we went for a walk — well, you can guess the rest. The wedding took place, my husband and I went on the honeymoon, and when we came home, I knew I was pregnant. Both our families were ecstatic. “A honeymoon baby!” they called it. But I was suspicious at the time that it could be either man’s.

However, I put it out of my head, gave birth to an awesome boy, 10 years passed, everything was fine. Then I heard the other man was getting a divorce and there was a big fight with his wife over money. His picture appeared in the paper. I looked it up. The resemblance to my son was unmistakable. But the worst part is the wife was accusing him of abusing their children.

That was when I decided I had to know for certain. And the results of the DNA samples (samples I took from my husband and son while they were both sleeping) confirmed what I feared: My husband is — I’m quoting — "excluded as a biological parent" of my son.

I'm a total wreck. It's like a bad Maury show. The truth will demolish my son’s trust, my husband’s love, my other three children’s stability. What can I do? How can I find the words? What do I say? I don’t know how I’m going to live through this. — Devastated.

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You Asked: When Will This Loneliness Go Away?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am really struggling with my emotions at this moment in life. I just moved 1,000 miles away from home in order to attend a great school, but I'm miserable. I haven't made many friends if any, and most of my time is spent in my dorm room alone. I know this isn't good, I should go to clubs and hang around campus to meet people, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I am very stressed and contemplating moving back home. My parents swear the problem is being away from my boyfriend — we have been together for about two years — but he wouldn't be in my hometown anyway, he's living away from home too.

In my hometown, I was involved in many community things and had a job that gave me great experience for my future career plans. But at college, everything big happens on campus; this is a small town, and I am a big-city girl. I don't know what to do. Any advice? — Homesick Sandra

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You Asked: Does Religion Trump Love?

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are discussing marriage. I was brought up in an Italian Catholic family, and although I am not very active in my faith, the traditions and values that have been passed down are still very important to me. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was raised Catholic but is now Agnostic. I knew this when we started dating, and it's never bothered me. I admire that he has searched for his own truth and is happy with his own beliefs. I have fallen in love with a kind and generous person, and his beliefs, or lack thereof, really don't have any influence on my feelings.

The problem is now that we are discussing marriage, I would like to honor the traditions in my family and marry in a Catholic church. He is willing to do so but has mentioned that it would make him feel uncomfortable, and I really want this day to be about the two of us. We have discussed other options, but for some reason they are just not sitting well with me. I know I can't change his feelings or mine but I worry about the future and how this will impact our children and our relationship. I am one to fight for love, but in this situation is love enough?

— Religion Woes Rachael

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You Asked: I'm Ready to Break Up

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm tired of trying to make things work with my boyfriend of five years. He's constantly bashing people's efforts, problems, and ways. He always has some negative comment about something. When he isn't doing that, he's either sleeping or making excuses to justify his actions. He blames everything on someone or something going on in his life. If I try to say something to encourage him in a positive direction, he comes back at me with some type of insult. In my opinion, he is a walking contradiction and a hypocrite. He's older than I am, which makes it even worse that I have to tell a grown man how to think and act like an adult. He lives with me but does nothing to help out. I love him, but I've reached my limit — I know I deserve better than this. His negativity is weighing on me, so what should I do? — I'm Done Donna

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You Asked: My Parents Hate My Boyfriend

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

For the past two years, I've been dating a 28-year-old man who has two kids; I'm 22. Things have been difficult from the start because my parents, who love me dearly, do not approve of my boyfriend. They want me to graduate from college, get a job, and have an amazing future. To them, that also means finding a different man to be with; they are not OK with the fact that he never went to college and has two children.

Things eventually got so bad that I moved out of their house and went to live with my boyfriend. Now I have a lot of feelings of guilt in regards to my parents. Before I moved out they were paying for college, my car, and things like books and gas. I'm an excellent student, but I decided to take this semester off because I am so exhausted. My parents are adamant that I go back to school, but they said they are not willing to help me financially unless I break up with my boyfriend and move back home.

Needless to say, my parents are something my boyfriend and I argue about. One time during a bad argument, he called my dad and started swearing at him on the phone. Since then my dad has told me that he'll never accept my boyfriend. My mom is also worried, and she's lost a lot of weight. I'm so torn; I don't know what to do. Please help!

— Disapproved of Deena

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You Asked: Why Do I Feel So Terrible?

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

After seven years of dating my boyfriend, I broke up with him. I had known in my heart for a while that I couldn't marry him and I had been very unhappy for a long time. Among many other problems, I felt that he wasn't attentive enough. He tried in his way, but I was left lonely and miserable. My friends and family, seeing my loneliness, constantly told me I could do better and were probably tired of my complaining (I know I was).

Our main contact was daily phone calls. He was one of the first people I called when anything happened. We talked when we were bored and just to hear the other's voice, but toward the end, I avoided him at all costs. So my question is this: Why do I feel so awful? I was fine immediately after the breakup — I knew I had to do it — but now I'm a wreck. I have been crying for days now. I feel terrible about breaking his heart and about my passive-aggressive treatment toward him for the last six months. I guess it comes down to the fact that we were best friends but terrible lovers, but I still can't help feeling a loss. Any suggestions? — Dumped Him Heidi

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You Asked: How Can I Know if He's Cheating?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and two months. He's a wonderful man, but I've been noticing some strange things that lead me to believe that he might be cheating on me. For example, he doesn't want me to see his phone, and before he used to have a picture of me on his phone wallpaper, but suddenly he has a picture of himself instead.

Just yesterday we were at the beach having a great time when he decided to check his voicemail. I was close enough that I could hear the messages, which were clearly left by another woman — he just smiled while he listened. I have no problem with him having female friends, but what was particularly off-putting was that when he was done listening, he said, "It was the guys." I've known my boyfriend long enough to have built a wall of trust between us, but all these little things lead me to think that maybe he might be cheating. He says he loves me very much, but I'm starting to doubt him. Does this mean that he is cheating on me or will be soon?

— Doubting Darla

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You Asked: How Do I Kick My Roommate Out?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My roommate moved to Seattle (my town) from Indiana at the end of June after I had secured a lease on an apartment. We had never met before, except online through a mutual hobby. She moved in time to go to an interview for a job she did not end up getting. A month went by before she found work, leaving me to pay the rent in its entirety, with the agreement that she'd pay me back once she found a job. Meanwhile, as she sat at home looking for a job all day, she did nothing to clean the apartment. I would come home from work, do the dishes, clean up the place, make dinner, and then go to bed. Rinse, repeat.

She finally got a job, and then lost it three weeks later. This was not her fault, but regardless, it has been three weeks since she lost her job and she still does not have another. Not even a minimum wage job to tide her over until she finds a web design job she wants. And yet again, she fails to do anything around the apartment.

I can't stand the fact that I'm living with someone I find to be irresponsible. In addition to the lack of cleaning, lack of job, and lack of ability to pay rent on time, I hate her dog. I walk in every night and the dog is all over me. She doesn't do anything to stop it, so I always feel like the bad guy for disciplining it. We are both on the lease. I've already inquired about switching roommates and the landlord said it wouldn't be a problem, but how do I tell her I want her out? She has no money and no job, but I'm simply miserable! — At My Wits End Emma

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You Asked: I'm Scared Every Day

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My father is a firefighter, and I grew up with the mentality that I needed to tell my dad I loved him every single time he went to work. When my parents divorced things changed, and since I no longer live with him or my mom, I don't get nervous every time he goes to work anymore. However, my brother just graduated from the police academy in Cleveland. He's posted in an absolutely terrible neighborhood, where people get shot on a daily basis, there's not a window without bars to be seen, and 8-year-olds are selling drugs.

I'm terrified. I get these images that he's going to get shot, or worse. He has a really bad temper, and I'm afraid he's going to get himself in trouble. Now, with my brother starting his police work, I'm starting to freak out about my dad again too. Both of their jobs are dangerous, and I think I am actually more scared for them than they are! How can I learn to deal with this fear and cope with their life-threatening jobs?

— Terrified Teresa

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You Asked: Why Do We Keep Fighting?

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. After much thought and discussion, we decided to move in together. The first month things seemed to be going very well. We had to make obvious adjustments to each other's lifestyles, but all in all, we seemed to be managing things well. Recently, however, we have been bickering about a lot of little insignificant things and we both don't understand why these arguments never arose before. It's very frustrating. We spent two years in a long distance relationship and now that we are finally together, we are at each other's throats! Is this something that I should be concerned about, or is this just another step in the relationship that is going to take time? — Cohabiting Casandra

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Did I Upset Him That Much?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,
Last weekend I had a new guy over for dinner. I spent two days cleaning, one day cooking, and everything went fantastically until we started watching a movie after dessert and fooling around on the couch. I admit I had three cognacs, but as he was kissing me, I began laughing at the movie and at one point I started repeating some of the dialogue.

E. Jean, I couldn’t help myself. It was Dr. Strangelove. The guy is a movie buff and a big Kubrick fan! Anyway, once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop. I apologized about 50 times, but he got up abruptly, said "Thank you for dinner," made a dash for the front door . . . and left!

I got a text from him the next day that said "You’re the only woman I know who can cook like Martha Stewart and talk like Slim Pickens."

Obviously I hurt his ego. But must I remain totally silent when a guy starts making his moves on me? — Love Is Very Strange

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You Asked: Will Our Differences Break Us Up?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been in a relationship for about a year. I met my boyfriend while I was doing an internship at the company he is currently working for. He has been great to me so far — he's patient, loving, and sweet, however I am feeling rather insecure and bugged about his education. I have a higher education level than he does, thus I am earning more than him. My mom has not been taking this piece of news very well as she feels I deserve more. It's gotten to the point where I try not to include him in my social group other than my close friends because they are all college graduates and he's not.

He's been taking classes again, but it will take approximately three years to complete his study. Three years to me is a significant amount of time. Both of us have talked about our future goal of getting married, but I don't want to waste his time or mine, so do you think I should stand by him and wait for him to graduate college, or should I just move on? — Smart Alec Alex

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