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A Do or a Don't: Ultimatums

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Giving an ultimatum is supposed to be a last-ditch effort in trying to change a particular situation. Most of the time this approach is only used in the most desperate times. However, even as a last resort, ultimatums can be very problematic. Not only can they completely backfire on the person giving it, but they also put the receiver in a very defensive position.

Needless to say, sometimes they don't work out as planned. If you’ve ever given an ultimatum, how did it turn out? If you haven’t, would you? Or do you think it can cause more problems than it’s worth?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: He's Thinking About Living With Two Women, But He Won't Live With Me!

DearSugar — Sat, 03 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of one year currently lives in a three bedroom apartment with two of his guy friends. He's lived there for five years and absolutely loves the place. He's comfortable there, he doesn't have to pay much rent, and it's in an amazing area of the city. Both of his roommates are moving to another state and he has one month to either move out of the apartment, or find two new roommates. I currently live in the same city (about a 15-minute walk from his place) in a beautiful, roomy one-bedroom apartment. He was really stressed when he first found out he was losing his roommates (and possibly his place), so I brought up the idea of him moving in with me. I completely understand that he may not be ready to take this next step, but he said he'd think about it.

In the meantime, he put an ad on Craigslist looking for two new roommates. He's set up a bunch of appointments with different people to come over and see the place and as it turns out, one of these "appointments" is with two college girls, and he's 30! When he first started the roommate search, I asked him about the possibility of living with women and he made it very clear that the only woman he'd live with would be me, yet now he's entertaining the idea of living with not one, but two girls! This is obviously really upsetting to me and I'm completely NOT okay with the thought of him living with two random college girls. Am I being irrational? Why would he want to live with them over me? He's not the type of guy who would do well with an ultimatum or a jealous tantrum, but this is simply something I am not willing to compromise on. I feel like he should have jumped on the opportunity to live with me! Please give me some advice before it's too late!

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Where Do You Stand: Withholding Sex to Get What You Want

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:00:38 -0700

Let's say your man smokes cigarettes and you want him to quit. You've tried talking to him about it, but nothing changes. So you throw him an ultimatum: No sex until he quits. Of course, that proves that you mean business, but is it right to withhold sex to get what you want?

How about you? Have you ever kept your pants on until your partner agreed to something or did something for you? Has anyone ever refused to give you sex because they wanted something? Is this an innocent little ploy or unacceptably immature?

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Dear Poll: Has an Ultimatum Ever Backfired?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:00:00 -0700

According to a previous poll, 51 percent of you said you'd never give a marriage ultimatum, but 31 percent of you said you would. The thing with ultimatums is, you have to be willing to put it all on the line and accept the outcome if the other person doesn't oblige. Sure, a lot of times they light a fire under someone, but other times, they send people running. Playing hardball is often worth the risk, but what I want to know is, have you ever given an ultimatum and had it backfire?Source

Dear Poll: Has an Ultimatum Ever Backfired?

Yes

Other — I'll explain below

Dear Poll: Would You Give a Marriage Ultimatum?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 16:00:00 -0800

Ultimatums, they can either destroy a relationship or give the man a much needed push in the right direction. We've all heard the saying, s**t or get off the pot, but sometimes, when you're in the relationship, it's easy to get a little too comfortable and fear taking the next step. I know two couples whose engagement came to be because of an ultimatum, and on the flip side, I know other couples who have been together for years and years with no engagement in sight because one refuses to put the other on the spot. I hope I never have to give one, but ladies, tell me, would you give your boyfriend an ultimatum if you were ready to take your relationship to the next level? Source

Dear Poll: Would You Give a Marriage Ultimatum?

Yes, I would. If it was up to the man, he would never take the next step. Putting a little fear into him won't hurt.

No way, I only want to get married when my boyfriend is ready on his own accord.

I did it and it worked.

I did it, and it backfired.

Other — Please share!

You Asked: Is It Ultimatum Time?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 16:30:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and living together for 2 1/2 years. Every time I talk about marriage with him he blows me off. I have a 7 year old daughter and she realizes that we are living together and we are not married. I want to be a good example and role model for my daughter, and lately I've haven't been feeling like one. Should I give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either man up and marry me or I'm moving out. ~ Fed-Up Phoebe

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