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Before a Breakup, Try Relationship Boot Camp

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

It's normal for couples to disagree and fight from time to time. We argue about huge things like money, and little things like which TV show to watch. Sometimes if a couple isn't getting along, a little intervention may be necessary. You're probably familiar with couples counseling, but have you ever heard of relationship boot camp? It could be seen as the last shot to mending a broken connection or as relationship maintenance, like bringing your car in for its 30,000-mile tune-up.

Relationship boot camp workshops are cropping up all over since divorce rates are skyrocketing. Relationship specialist Terry Real thinks this is because people never learned the skills needed to connect to another person. In his three-day relationship boot camp workshop, he teaches the basics like how to communicate clearly and honestly, how to listen, how to deal with conflicts, and how to argue respectfully. Relationship miracles don't come cheap, though; be prepared to spend $1,500 a couple.

Is this something you'd be willing to try?

Source

You Asked: I Have an Irrational Fear of Getting Pregnant

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have a rather strange irrational fear. Even though I am on hormonal birth control, use condoms, and never miss a period, I continually fear that I'll somehow magically get pregnant. This fear is quite literally taking over my life, not to mention ruining my otherwise wonderful sex life with my fiancé. I desire sex with him daily, but my fear of getting pregnant is so salient that I either make an excuse to avoid it, or just fall asleep while he is making a pass at me — we end up only have sex twice a week. I have been this way ever since he and I began having sex seven years ago.

My fear comes and goes with varying degrees, but it seems that it is worse during times of high stress. Every twitch, every headache, and every gurgle in my stomach is interpreted to me as a pregnancy sign. I feel like I am so alone. I know that I'm being ridiculous, but I cannot get it out of my mind. I am almost willing to go as far as sterilization to ease this anxiety. Do you have any advice? — Freaking Out Fionna

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Is Celebrity Rehab Just Another Voyeuristic Reality Show?

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:00:00 -0700

One of my favorite shows is back for its second season tonight and I'm already gearing up for it! If you didn't catch season one of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, tonight's the night to get hooked. As a self-proclaimed reality TV junkie, I've seen a lot, but this show takes an incredibly serious look at the lives of these celebrities and exposes their insecurities and weakness. Just like Intervention, Celebrity Rehab is an effort to get them off the drug of their choice, but throughout the season we get to see them rehab not only through detox, but through therapy as well. Sure, I feel a bit voyeuristic watching these individuals experience such pain and heartache, but seeing the realistic side of fame makes each of the celebrities seem a little more human — just like you and me.

Have you ever seen the show? If so, do you think it's just another attempt to pry into the private lives of celebrities or do you think it's an interesting way to get them clean and sober?

Source

You Asked: There's No Affection in Our Relationship

DearSugar — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have four kids. I don't feel as if she loves me anymore. She does not show me any affection and only goes along with what I initiate. I will occasionally stop her throughout the day to give her a hug or a kiss, but she never initiates it. She never tells me that she loves me unless she is responding to my "I love you." For our anniversary, I put love notes around the house and in her car so that she would see them through every event of her day and I bought her a dozen roses. She said thank you, but that was it. I didn't even receive a hug or a kiss!

The only time we ever have sex is if I make the move. This has been going on for the last five years. Before that she would at least show some interest in me. When I try to talk to her about the way I feel she turns it all around on me and it inevitably leads to a huge argument. I tried for years not to let it bother me, but it really is starting to affect me as I am always thinking about it and hoping she will initiate just a simple kiss or hug.

— Missing Kisses Kevin

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Can I Get Out of My Slump?

DearSugar — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and In the Dumps Daria need your help. She's struggling with depression and is having a hard time meeting someone special. I offer my advice on how to meet men all the time, but what works for you? Hopefully hearing your success stories will help keep Daria's spirits high so she can break free from her relationship slump.

Dear Sugar,

I'm a 26-year-old woman who has been battling with serious depression for three years. I'm on medication and see a therapist regularly, and I have thankfully noticed an improvement in the last year. I feel in control of my emotions and am more hopeful about the future.

The one thing that really hasn't gotten better is my personal life. I haven't had a serious boyfriend in almost four years, and my feelings of loneliness really exacerbate my depression. I've tried dating but I just haven't found anyone compatible, and what's worse is that I go through periods of extreme discouragement. It's a terrible cycle — the depression makes it hard to meet someone, and meeting the wrong someone (or no one) makes my depression worse. Plus four long years of single life has made me fear being alone forever. I don't have low self-esteem, so how can I get myself out of this relationship slump? — In the Dumps Daria

Source

You Asked: My Time Is Running Out

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly two years, and living with him for the last year. He is wonderful and I truly couldn't ask for more. We talk about getting married and our future fairly often. I recently found out that I may have a hard time getting pregnant, and was told that the sooner I try, the better. My problem is that while we both know that marriage is in our future, I also know that he is not ready to settle down and have kids quite yet. We're both 26 and I typically would not be in any rush myself, but knowing that I may not have a chance to have a baby has made me very impatient, to the point where I am sometimes angry at him for not being ready.

He knows my situation and we've talked about having babies sooner than we had planned, maybe even before we're married, but part of me is afraid that if I miss out on my chance to have kids, I will blame him for it. I just don't know how to wait more patiently, and not take my frustration out on him. — Impatient Izzy

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You Asked: He Won't Have Sex With Me

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years in October. He is 31 and I am 23. We have two children together, a three year old and a nine month old. Since I became pregnant with our youngest, things have been lacking in the bedroom. We had sex five times between April 2007 and April 2008 and since then, we've only had sex once, and that was in July. I'm so confused and unbelievably hurt. Just thinking about it makes me sob; I can't help but feel like it's my fault that he never wants to touch me anymore. I've tried talking with him and telling him how it makes me feel, but nothing changes. We live together, and he is currently unemployed, so I know he isn't cheating. I go to bed every night with the hopes that something is going to be different and it never is. It's now spilling over into everyday life. Is there any hope? What is wrong with him?

— Sexually Frustrated Sybil

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You Asked: How Can I Get Past His Cheating?

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for six years and have been together for 10. About three months ago I found out that he had an affair about two years ago. I forgave him, and we have been working together to move past it. Lately some friends of his friends that know the other woman have been coming over to our house to spend time with my husband. Whenever they mention her name in passing, my blood boils. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and I can't seem to get the affair out of my mind. I don't know what to do. We are completely open and honest with each other, but my thoughts are consumed with him cheating on me. Do you have any advice? — Consumed Cassie

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All About Anxiety

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Everyone deals with stress; it’s just part of life. But when stress overwhelms your ability to function normally, it becomes something more. Anxiety disorder affects approximately 15 million people in the US, and like depression, it comes in varying degrees and with its own set of social stigmas. Anxiety disorder can begin early or late in life, but in most cases, it's closely linked to family history as well as severe stress.

To learn about the symptoms and treatments of this challenging and common disorder,

Dear Poll: Do You Enjoy Shopping?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Sometime in the last couple decades shopping has become a tongue-in-cheek euphemism for therapy, at least as far as ladies are concerned. If you’re sad, it’s nothing a quick trip to the mall won’t fix, or so Cher from Clueless taught us. But even though I'm a fan, frankly, I think it’s just silly to assume that all women get a kick out of shopping. In fact, some women I know find themselves feeling more down than ever after a few minutes in a dressing room. So ladies, let me ask, do you enjoy shopping? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Enjoy Shopping?

I do. And it’s totally retail therapy for me!

I enjoy shopping, but only because of the new clothes I get out of it.

I can go either way.

Ick, no, I hate going shopping!

Other — I'll explain.

You Asked: Is Our Marriage Over?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Help! I have been with my husband for 13 years and will be married 11 in November. To make this as short as possible, I've lived in a sexless, loveless relationship for 12 years. Last November I met someone wonderful and decided to tell my husband I was done. We separated for four months and I stopped seeing my "friend" for a while to get my head together. My husband immersed himself in therapy and told me he could not lose me, that he loved me and would do whatever had to be done to keep us together. I moved back home in May but I still don't feel passion toward him. I love him, but am still very hurt and angry. He supposedly suffers from intimacy issues, fear of failure, etc., and although he is working very hard to be in my heart, our sex life is not good, in fact, it's horrible. He makes no effort to please me at all. After not having any for months, he accused me the other day of not wanting him.

I know he loves me in his very own way, but I am not sure I can ever be happy with this man. So many people tell me what a great guy he is and that I should stay with him. He is a great provider and very good in other ways so my question is do I work my butt off to save my marriage, or call it a day? I need some advice please. — Unhappy Helena

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Sex Therapy: What to Expect

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

For whatever reason, your sex life isn't doing it for you. Maybe it started out amazing, but it's lost its pizazz. Maybe you're upset because you used to do it several times a day and now you're lucky to get to it once a month. Maybe you want to deepen your intimacy level, but you're not sure how. Whatever the reason, sex therapy can help.

If you've contemplated making an appointment, but are nervous about what may happen, here's a little bit of what you can expect.

When you and your partner begin to see a therapist, they'll probably want to see you for 50-60 minute sessions, once every week. This consistency will help to develop a closer relationship with your therapist.
The therapist wants to help you, but in order to do that she will have to ask you a lot of questions, many of which will be personal and/or embarrassing. Nonetheless, it's important that you and your partner are both open and honest so the therapist can get to know you and your situation.

What else can you expect? To find out

The How-To Lounge: Finding a Therapist

DearSugar — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

As you already know, I’m a huge supporter of therapy and often suggest it as a means of working through a specific issue — some problems are best solved with professional, and specifically, unbiased help. But finding someone who can meet your specific needs and whom you can trust is not an easy task. I’ve compiled a list of things to consider when seeking a therapist. To check them out

You Asked: My Husband Took Advantage of Me

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been having problems for a while now. I wanted to leave the marriage, but instead we decided to seek professional help and go to counseling. Up until Saturday night, we had not had sex for two months; I'm struggling so much with our marriage that I'm just not able to be intimate right now.

But on Saturday, we went to a get-together then out with old friends. I had a few more drinks than usual and to make a long story short, I woke up next to him naked. He admits that we had sex, although I have no recollection of it. At first I was only angry at myself for drinking too much, but the more I remember of that night, the more I think it was his intention to get me into bed the whole time. Am I wrong to be so angry days later?

— Very Upset Vicki

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Where Do You Stand: Sharing Your Therapist

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you take it upon yourself to see a therapist, chances are you need that unbiased person to confide in and truly trust with your deepest secrets and innermost thoughts. Often times it takes a few tries to find someone you mesh with, so if a friend, family member, or significant other were to ask for your therapist's name for their own use, would you offer it up? I know I wouldn't want someone I might vent about to go to the same person as me, even though they are sworn to secrecy, but what about you? Where do you stand on sharing therapists?

Source

Relationship Protocol: Couples Counseling

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

I’m always quick to mention therapy as an option for people in relationships who are working through what can seem like insurmountable issues. The effects of communication in a safe environment with a third party professional vary from person to person but have the potential to be quite powerful. That said, I’m not convinced that therapy is the answer for every relationship, especially those that have yet to commit to a lifetime partnership, marriage or otherwise. If you’re two years in and having problems, maybe that means you’re just not meant to be.

I’m being tough, I know, but do you agree that couples counseling is best left to the long-term and lifelong committed relationships? Or do you think therapy is viable for any couple that wants to make it work?

Source

You Asked: My Mother Is Severely Depressed

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am at a loss with how to deal with my depressed mother. She has been plagued with depression her entire life but she only started medication eight years ago. She decided at some point last Summer that she didn't want or need the medication anymore because it made her feel so numb, so she weaned herself off without telling a single soul. Since she finally spilled the beans, I have encouraged her to go back on some sort of medication, but she's not budging.

Now my mom is an unmedicated mess. She has her doctor believing that she's able to manage this on her own and she can't. My concern with the doctor is that she has only been to see him a couple of times. How can he really know what's wrong with her? I have tried to broach this subject on more than a handful of occasions but she doesn't want to hear that she needs to be back on medication. Can I call her doctor? I know he can't share anything with me, but can I share information with him? What should I do?

— Scared For Mom Madison

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Blogging About Breakups

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 07:00:45 -0700

On Friday, The New York Times addressed the phenomenon of using the Internet and blogs to write about and process fallen relationships or take revenge on a disgraceful ex. The article notes:

For the blogger, the writing can be therapeutic . . . For some ex-spouses, revenge is not the point. Writing about divorce can be good for readership.

Of course, I can't help but think about the notion of the Internet as a tool for both revenge and therapy. Although I know that more than a few of us have taken revenge, is it OK to use the Web — where everything is easily and indefinitely accessible — to act out our personal vendettas? And though I always recommend journaling as a therapeutic method, I wonder if it's wrong to use a public venue for such a personal process. What do you think? Is the Internet really the place for breakups and divorces?

Source

You Asked: I Can't Control My Mood Swings

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating this great man — he is 44 and I'm 35 — with whom I recently moved in. Things have been great, except for some personal issues I'm encountering. Often when I come home from work or sometimes completely out of the blue, I become an emotional wreck! I cry for no reason, and I know he just doesn't understand what's going on. I often end up fighting with my daughter and getting angry with my son. I was in a 14-year marriage that was very hard on me, so I don't know why I can't be happy now that things are so much better. Other than my strange mood swings, everything feels right for once. I feel terrible about the way I'm acting, but it almost seems like I have no control over this. What can I do before I hurt my relationships?

— Emotional Wreck Emeline

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You Asked: How Can I Get Over My Adolecent Bullying?

DearSugar — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was severely bullied for my last four years of elementary school. Ever since then, I've suffered from low self-esteem, loneliness, and unhappiness. I feel like an outsider, even today. I've made friends, but never any solid, long-lasting friendships. For a long time I pretended like it never happened and as a result, I started to binge drink and I let men take advantage of me. I think I loved the attention guys gave me. I've since stopped that self-destructive behavior, but I still can't seem to move on and get my life started. All I want is to put the past behind me but how can I do that?
— Stuck in the Past Patty

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Dear Poll: Do You Lie to Your Doctor?

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 13:11:51 -0800

Tara Parker-Pope brought up an interesting subject on her Well blog: lying to your therapist. Sure, there are many topics that can be embarrassing or uncomfortable to talk about, especially when it comes to your body or your innermost thoughts and secrets, but in order to get the correct advice, we need to give all the facts. I can’t help but wonder what the point of talking to a therapist or doctor is if you’re just going to lie to them. I'm always honest because I just assume that they've heard worse, but what about you? Have you ever lied to your therapist or doctor? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Lie to Your Doctor?

Yes

Other — Please explain

You Asked: Raped at a Party

DearSugar — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

When I was 19-years-old, I was raped at a party. Ever since then it's been hard for me to be in relationship or to have sex in general. I don't trust any guys even though most of my friends are male. I recently kissed my best friend and I'm freaking out. I know he likes me, but I don't want to make him go through the horrible relationship pattern I always go through. I tend to break up with a guy I'm seeing many times and then get back together. I'm afraid after that I'll eventually lose him as a friend not to mention the fact that I'm moving 7,000 miles away in two months. I'm very confused, please help.

—Can't Get Close Clara

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You Asked: How Do I Avoid the Questions?

DearSugar — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 07:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I are currently having some relationship problems. We have been together for eight years and have never had any rough spots like this. It's to the point that we have completely stopped planning our wedding and are telling people it's because we can't afford it (we did just buy a house together). We are currently in couples counseling to work through this rough patch but my question is, how should I handle all the inquiries from family?

We have decided not to talk about our problems with our parents, as they have a history of getting too involved. Even with the completely plausible excuse of money, I am continually getting asked about how we are doing and being told that folks "have a bad feeling about us." How should I handle these questions? They make me anxious and escalate my already on-edge feelings. —On Edge Emily

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Do Tell: How Would You Want a Therapist to Help You?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 07:00:00 -0700

I happen to feel that everyone would benefit from seeing a therapist. Having an unbiased person to talk to about everything and anything can only help when dealing with everyday problems or deeper seeded issues. Of course it may take a while to find the right one, but once you do, you're all set! If money was no object, and you already found your perfect therapist, what would you want him or her to help you with? What would be the things you would want to discuss while sitting on his or her couch?

Source

You Asked: I Need Support for my Depression

DearSugar — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I have spent my entire life battling bouts of depression. About a month ago a series of events have led me into a serious funk that is affecting me physically and emotionally. I'm suffering from insomnia and feel completely disconnected from everyone I know and love, especially my boyfriend who I've been with for almost 3 years.

I don't know what to do about our relationship. I feel awkward and distant around him now. I have almost no sexual urges, and I'm starting to avoid him. Unfortunately this is how I feel with everyone around me (minus the whole sexuality bit), so I can't figure out if I've simply fallen out of love, or if this is my depression taking hold of what I've held most dear. I haven't communicated my current situation with him because previous discussions have left me disappointed when he wasn't there for me the way he said he would be. I know I can't depend on him for a successful recovery, but he's promised support and then avoided the subject completely.

I know I need to talk to him... but now I'm wondering if I should suggest a break while I try and regain control of my life. I don't know if I have the emotional energy to be the girlfriend he deserves to have. I'm 21 and he's turning 24 in a few days. I don't want to hold him back when we're both so young. We've been very serious up to this point - so I'm not sure if I should give him the opportunity to support me during this time or chance losing him completely by asking him for space. I just feel like he deserves better.

--Depressed and Unsupported Debra

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The How-To Lounge: Finding a Therapist

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 10:00:00 -0700

Deciding to see a therapist is a big decision and there are many things to consider before unloading all your problems and worries to a complete stranger. For some good tips, click here to

Self Help: Keep a Journal

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Women spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about things. That's just our nature. If I spend too much time running thoughts or problems over and over in my own head, I get totally stressed out. Plus it clouds my brain and then I can't focus on anything else.

Talking to a trusted friend or a therapist is awesome, but sometimes you just want to get your thoughts out without anyone listening, judging, or offering advice. That's where journal writing comes in.

Click here to

You Asked: My Feelings or Hers?

DearSugar — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 07:41:10 -0700

Dear Sugar--

Your re post of the friendship question had me thinking about my own current situation with someone that I consider to be one of my best friends. We met through school and automatically clicked with similar senses of humor and outlooks on life. I think that she is a good person and I am
always hoping that things in her life work out well. Lately she has had a lot of bad luck with school and men. Rather than working on improving her life she is doing a lot of wallowing and she has kind of "checked out" of the world. She doesn't leave the house much and she just spends all day watching TV or talking on the phone.

I don't think it's healthy for her but I don't know how to approach the subject. She has been getting some counseling, but hasn't been doing much else. I want her to get well so I have been taking a hands-off approach to everything. But I feel like I am being neglected. I always invite her to do things and she declines and I am always the one calling her. Is it too much for me to ask that she invest a little bit in our friendship, or should I just back off and let her come out of her slump on her own? Is she is trying to tell me something and I'm not getting the hints? --Sensitive Sally

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