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Sunday Confessional: I've Been a Selfish Sister

DearSugar — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I'm 28 and the youngest of three children. My siblings and I had a challenging childhood; our dad disappeared from our lives when we were little, and our mother suffered from severe depression. My sister, the eldest, took on the responsibilities of taking care of my brother and me, even though she was only a few years older than us. As early as middle school I started to rebel, and I ended up getting into drugs and a series of abusive relationships later on. In the process I also managed to completely alienate my sister. She was always there to help me, and I was always pushing her away. Some years ago, I did the unthinkable and hooked up with her boyfriend at the time — a man she was very in love with. She was destroyed, but she said that she knew it wasn't me. She told me she'd let it go if I checked into rehab, which she offered to pay for. After much begging, I agreed to go. But within a few weeks I left, and ended up costing my sister thousands of dollars. By that point she'd finally hit her limit, and told me she wanted me out of her life. It's been five years and we haven't spoken, though I'm still in touch with my brother. I've cleaned up my life significantly, and I have a stable job for the first time in my life. My sister recently had her first baby, and I'm desperate to see them. But when I told my brother I was going to reach out to her, he told me not to because he doesn't think she'll be willing to see me. I know I've done some bad things, and I know I'm still imperfect, but don't you think my own sister should be able to forgive me?Source

Sunday Confessional: I've Been a Selfish Sister

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Mistakenly Accused Someone?

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Around here we talk a lot about how important it is to trust your instincts, which I’m a huge supporter of. We have those instincts for a reason! But every once and a while wires get crossed somewhere along the way and we misconstrue what are gut is telling us. I know this has happened to me before, and my incorrect instincts have led me to make a false accusation for which later, I felt rather foolish. I’m sure it’s more of an exception than a rule, but have you ever accused someone of something they didn’t do? Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Mistakenly Accused Someone?

Nope, my gut instincts have always been right on.

I don’t make an accusation unless I have tangible proof.

Yes, I have done this before.

Other — Please share.

Sunday Confessional: I Wasn't There When She Needed Me

DearSugar — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few weekends ago, I ditched out on my long-time friend to hang out with a guy that I have feelings for. My friend and I had been planning on going to the movies, and when I canceled she got upset with me. Since I so rarely flake out, I immediately became irritated with her, and we ended the phone call on a very negative note. We didn't hang out that night, and I ended up going over to my date's house. Much later in the night, when I was fooling around with my crush, I got a text message from my friend saying that she needed to talk to me. I ignored it out of anger. A few minutes later she called me, and again, I ignored it. Not giving it much thought, I put my phone on silent. I was annoyed, but I figured I'd call her in the morning and we could talk about stuff then. The next day when I checked my phone, I had multiple missed calls from my friends, desperately trying to get ahold of me. As it turns out, my friend decided to go to the movie alone and on the way home, she had been assaulted by some young guys. They took her jewelry and her wallet. Needless to say, she was shaken up, but luckily they didn't hurt her and fortunately, she had her phone in her back pocket so she was able to call for help. As it turned out, she was trying to get ahold of me to meet her at the police station. She eventually got another friend to come get her, but I wasn't there to help her when she needed me most. I feel beyond horrible. I've seen her since and tried to talk her, but things are strained; I'm not sure I should even try explaining myself. I'm so torn up. Is what I did to her and our friendship ever forgivable? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Wasn't There When She Needed Me

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

Where Do You Stand? Saying "I Told You So"

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

When it comes to dispensing advice to our loved ones, it’s difficult to know when it's worth it. And if you do decide to speak up against a bad decision only to be ignored, it can be incredibly frustrating to watch as what you predicted would happen does. If I end up in that situation, my first reaction is to dispense the requisite “I told you so.” However, time and experience has taught me that “I told you so” does little good. Either your friend still won’t get it, or they'll already be beating themselves up enough. So, since I’m sure we’ve all been on the receiving end at one time or another, where do you stand when it comes to dishing out “I told you so's"? Do you avoid it or do think it’s something someone else should hear?

Source

This or That: Caught in the Car or Stuck in the Rain?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:00:00 -0700

In an attempt to spice things up, your boyfriend decides to take things out of the bedroom and onto the open road. But what you think is just a romantic mini road trip ends up being more than you bargained for. Parking off a one-lane, seldom-used road, you guys to try something totally new. Would it be worse if . . .This: You decide to give sex in the car a try only to be interrupted mid-session by a tap on the window from a police officer? Apparently he happened to be passing by and wanted to make sure there wasn’t any car trouble. Or . . .That: In an attempt to be romantic, your boyfriend lays out blankets for you under a tree, but when it starts pouring, it turns out his keys are locked in the car? Not only do your cell phones not work, but it’s a four-mile walk to the nearest house. Source

This or That: Caught in the Car or Stuck in the Rain?

This: You’re caught with your pants down, literally.

That: Your romance gets rained upon.

Sunday Confessional: She Stabbed Me in the Back

DearSugar — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A year before I left for college, I started dating a guy I was crazy about; it was my first love. We had a very happy relationship, but as high school relationships do, things got difficult when I went away to college. By the time I headed home for Winter break, it was clear that he was spending time with another girl behind my back. He admitted to it, and I immediately ended things. Of course, I felt completely wounded and foolish. It was only a few weeks later that I learned that girl he'd been hooking up with was none other than one of my closest friends. I was extremely hurt, and my initial feelings of embarrassment were only multiplied — I was played a fool by my boyfriend and my friend. By the time I talked her again, I was already settled into college life and had emotionally moved on from my ex. She wanted things to go back to the way they were, but in my mind our friendship was over. Now seven years later, she contacted me via email out of nowhere. It turns out she heard from a friend that we are both living in the same city. As a recent transplant, she doesn't know anyone and she's looking for friendship. Of course her email doesn't acknowledge anything about what happened before, but it was the first thing I thought of. I don't care about what happened seven years ago, but what she did then makes me question who she is now. Should I forgive her past actions and become friends again? Or is she not worth my time? Source

Sunday Confessional: She Stabbed Me in the Back

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided — Please explain!

This or That: Blow Out or Blow to the Head?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

The sex with your new boyfriend has been amazing. You guys have the kind of chemistry you thought only existed in movies. But during a fairly animated and exciting romp, things seem to get out of hand. Would it be worse if . . .This: In the excitement of the moment, you just couldn’t control yourself and you let an embarrassingly loud bit of gas pass? He laughs in a way that makes you feel like it’s at you not with you. Or . . . That: Trying to be sexy, you manage to elbow him right in the temple so hard the he passes out? Although he’s only out for a few moments, you’ll never forget the expression on his face as he comes to. Source

This or That: Blow Out or Blow to the Head?

This — Regardless of what happens with you guys, you’ll know he’ll always remember you now.

That — With such a blow to the head, you’re not sure if he can remember anything?

Dear Poll: Are You Good at Apologizing?

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Pride is a stronger force in most people's lives than they recognize. Admitting when you’re wrong is an incredibly difficult thing to do, and it sometimes requires swallowing (or choking down) your pride, which is especially challenging if you're used to being right. But saying sorry is an incredibly noble act and you almost always end up on top if you're honest and own up to your mistakes. Of course knowing that doesn’t make it any easier so let’s be honest here, are you good at apologizing? Source

Dear Poll: Are You Good at Apologizing?

Yes, if I've made a mistake or hurt someone, I will always say sorry.

It’s not easy for me, but if I need to apologize I will.

No. I’m terrible with this. I have a hard time swallowing my pride.

Other — Please share below.

Handle This: You Make a Big Mistake

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Your new boyfriend went away on a business trip for more than two weeks and left his pet bird in your care. A graduation present from his family, the bird means a great deal to him and holds sentimental value. He's given you very specific instructions on caring for it, with the very explicit declaration that he'll be destroyed if you kill it.

You're not a huge fan of pet birds, but you know that he cares about it, so you do your very best. In an effort to avoid going to his house every day, you decide to bring the bird to your place. One morning when you go to feed it, you find it lifeless in its cage, completely dead. A trip to the pet store confirms that it's really gone. He won't be back for another week, but you feel awful and can't bear the idea of telling him. It's an inevitable conversation, so how would you handle this?

Source

Relationship Protocol: Have You Ever Accidentally Injured Each Other?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

When you're a kid, getting hurt is inevitable; you run, jump, fight with your siblings and wrestle with your friends. As adults, our play is usually more relaxing and less agressive, but I'm sure most of us still engage in some roughhousing with our significant others every now and again.

Just like our parents warned us as children, as soon as people get rowdy someone's likely to get hurt. And the physically closer you are to someone, the more chances you'll have of accidentally injuring them. To me, the only thing worse than hurting myself is inadvertently hurting someone else, so tell me, have you or your significant other mistakenly injured the other when goofing around?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Ruined Her Wedding Dress

DearSugar — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Last weekend I was in my best friend's wedding. As her maid of honor, I took her wedding dress home with me for safe-keeping while she and her husband left from the reception straight to the airport for their honeymoon. The next night, feeling slightly down and a little goofy, I got the silly idea to try on her wedding dress. I admit it wasn't a smart idea but at the time I really meant no harm; I just wanted to see what I'd look like in it! I pranced around in it for a bit, but since my friend is a few sizes smaller than me, it was extremely tight and I had to take it off. Stupidly, when twisting my torso to unlatch it, I managed to rip the back seam. Completely panicked, I tried to get it off me as quickly as possible and ended up tearing a large portion of the bodice, which was hand-beaded! The upper portion of the dress is now destroyed, and I'm not sure it's even repairable.She gets back in a week, and I don't know how I'll bring myself to tell her. This dress was literally created just for her; she even gushed about passing it on to her future daughter. My guilt is overwhelming right now, and I'm terrified of how upset she'll be. Is there any way I can ever be forgiven for destroying one of her prized possessions? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Ruined Her Wedding Dress

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

Do Tell: Do You Get Upset When Your Friends Make Poor Decisions?

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

No one is perfect — that's something I think we all accept. But when our friends make poor decisions, it's sometimes hard to sit back and watch knowing it will only hurt them in the long run, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. While I feel it's important to follow your gut and do what you feel is best, sometimes our instincts lead us astray. And though I don't advocate butting in, I do think there are exceptions to that rule.

Getting worked up over our friends' blunders isn't necessarily fair, but I think it's fairly common, so ladies, do tell: Do you ever get upset about the decisions your friends make, or do you completely separate yourself from their business until they ask you for your advice?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Was a Bad Friend, but I'm Ready to Make Amends

DearSugar — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few years ago, I started a relationship with a very controlling and emotionally abusive man. Obviously this wasn't clear to me at the time, I just knew that I felt happy for the first time in what seemed like ages, and I truly believed that we were in love. My group of friends had immediate reservations about him — they saw something that I couldn't — and my feelings were hurt that they weren't being more supportive. In less than six months time, my entire world had started to revolve around him. He had begun to effectively convince me to cut off all ties with my friends. I stopped returning phone calls and socializing in any way; I still have heartbreaking emails from my friends begging me to call them. By the time I woke up and realized what was going on, I was too ashamed to call them and ask for help. It took me nearly a year and half to pull myself from that terrible relationship. After a lot of soul-searching, I've come to realize many of my flaws, and I'm ready to start over. My friends are everything to me and I know that it shouldn't have taken all of this for me to see that, but it did. Unfortunately, they want nothing to do with me. Most of them won't talk to me, and those who do are generally angry and full of resentment. I missed a lot of important things that happened to them, and I wasn't there for them when they needed me, but I'm ready to be there now. Is there any way that I can be forgiven for cutting them out of my life? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Was a Bad Friend, but I'm Ready to Make Amends

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

Sunday Confessional: My Fiancé Thinks I'm a Virgin, but I'm Not

DearSugar — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My fiancé and I have been engaged for the past year and were together for a year before that. We were both 20 when we met, and within the first few weeks of our relationship my fiancé confided in me that he was a virgin and intended to be until he was married. He comes from a very religious and traditional family, and his values and morals are extremely important to him — one of the many reasons why I love him. I knew that there was something special between us, so I didn't think twice about having to hold off on sex. But when he went on to tell me that he needed to be with a woman who shared the same values, I panicked. Out of fear of losing him, I made a horrible error and lied about my own sexual history. I told him that I too was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage, when in fact, I had had sex with two other guys. It's now two years later and just over a month away from our wedding. I know that my fiancé is nearly more excited for the wedding night than the actual wedding, and this secret is eating away at me. I love him more than words can describe. I don't want to disappoint him or hurt him; it will destroy him to find out about this. Can I ever be forgiven if I continue this secret and never tell him? Source

Sunday Confessional: My Fiancé Thinks I'm a Virgin, but I'm Not

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided — Please share.

Handle This: Email Error

DearSugar — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:00:00 -0700

You’ve been stuck on an email chain headed by a girl from your office about an upcoming BBQ she's hosting. For over a week, she’s been driving you crazy with her cutesy remarks and annoying questions, and the back and forth with her friends appears to be endless.

When you get yet another reminder about the event, you're so fed up that you decide to forward the email to a friend, adding your own very sarcastic note about how annoying your coworker is. But when you go to press "forward," you accidentally press "reply all." It's too late to take it back, and you know it's only a matter of seconds until your coworker and everyone else on the chain reads it. How would you handle this?

Source

You Asked: I'm Dating My Professor

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I started seeing an awesome guy a few months ago. We have great conversations and our sexual relationship is amazing. Unfortunately, there are a few issues. For one, he is twice my age (I’m 24), and he also happens to be one of my college professors. The problem now is that somebody has told the college that he and I have a very "close" relationship and he's received a warning about getting involved with a student even though I'm more than consenting of our relationship.

He’s worried about his job, but I don’t want to lose him. He wants to end things with me but I want be selfish and ask him if we can stay together even if it means that we only spend time together on weekends, and avoid going out in public, and never interact on campus. What should I do?

— Dangerous Liaisons Lucy

To see DearSugar's answer,

The How-To Lounge: Handling Embarrassing Moments

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 10:00:23 -0700

I don’t care who you are; embarrassing moments happen to all of us. But countering a humiliating situation with awkwardness only makes it worse. Instead, with a little grace, it’s easy to put an embarrassing situation behind you in no time. To check out my hints on how to deal with the agony that follows a public fall or a foot-in-the-mouth moment,

Handle This: Your Boyfriend Owes You Money

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Things have finally come to a head in your rather tumultuous relationship with your boyfriend, and you’ve finally gotten the courage to pull the plug. The only problem is that he still owes you the $2,000 that you loaned him over six months ago. You now realize that loaning him anything was a rather stupid move, but you really want to get your money back.

He’s completely irresponsible, which is half the reason why you’re ending things with him to begin with, so you know it's not going to be as simple as just asking him nicely. You need that money to pay your credit card bill so how would you handle this?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Hit and Ran

DearSugar — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 09:00:00 -0700

After a few years bumming rides from people, I finally got my license and in no time, I had my first accident. I was borrowing my mom's car and when I tried to reverse out of a parking space, I dented the side of the car on a pole. I was totally embarrassed and felt completely awful, but from then on, I've been overly cautious behind the wheel.Yesterday, when I was looking for parking, I saw two great spots down a one way street. I had to go around the block to get on the right side of the road, but by the time I got there, both spots had been taken. I was annoyed and decided to reverse back down the street so I didn't have to go around again, but apparently I wasn't going in a straight line and I glided past a car next to me. I got out to check my car, and there was little to no damage. I was totally relieved that no one was around to see my blunder, and I decided to park my car up the street and then come back to check on the car I hit. When I walked back down, I saw what I had done. There was a very large scratch right above the front tire; you couldn't miss it. I guess I didn't realize how hard I hit it and I immediately panicked, ran back to my car and drove away. I feel absolutely terrible. The guilt is just eating away at me and I'm even afraid there will be some sort of karmic revenge on my family or me. Can I be forgiven for this mistake? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Hit and Ran

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided — Please share