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Sunday Confessional: I Told My Friend She Looked Bad

DearSugar — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0800

A good friend of mine recently broke up with her live-in boyfriend of three years. Though it was her decision to end things, it was still a difficult choice to make; she still really cares about him. All her friends have been there for her and she's done a great job moving on. In an effort to put the past behind her, she wanted to make a change, so she committed the cardinal breakup sin of changing her look. She'd always had long, dark, beautiful chestnut hair and without consulting any of us, she went to the salon, cut it short, and dyed it blond!She invited me over to come see her new locks and I was speechless — she looked like a completely different person! I could tell that she loved it and I could see a new sense of confidence in her face, but I absolutely hated it. In my opinion, she looked 10 times better before. When she asked my "honest opinion," I gave it to her. I told her it wasn't my favorite look on her. She got incredibly upset, told me I was an unsupportive friend, and asked me to leave her house. Now I'm feeling horrible for hurting my friend's feelings, but I didn't know what to do; she asked me to be honest! I've called her, written her emails, and sent text messages apologizing, but she won't return any of my efforts. I know I should have just lied under the circumstances, but can I be forgiven for speaking the truth?Source

Sunday Confessional: I Told My Friend She Looked Bad

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

You Asked: Should I Leave My Husband?

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for 11 years, and my husband admitted to me three weeks ago that he's been sleeping with a girl that he worked with. I am hurt and very upset and don't know if I can trust him again. I gave him a ultimatum and he chose me, but I have a gut feeling that they are still in contact with each other. I check his phone to see if they talk, but he always deletes his call history. I don't know if I should end my marriage. When he told me about them sleeping together, he said he deeply regretted it and would never do it again. He also told me that it only happened once, but I don't believe him.

We've been together for 16 years and have two grown kids together. I just don't know what to do. Should I confront the other woman or just leave things alone? I've suggested seeing a marriage counselor, but he refuses. I don't know where to go from here. — Desperate Dede

To see DearSugar's answer,

A Do or a Don't: Lying For Someone You Love

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Though I’ve certainly been let in on some big secrets throughout the years, fortunately I’ve never been put into a position where I’ve been forced to lie on someone’s behalf, because honestly, I’m not sure I could do it. A white lie is one thing, but serious lies make me nervous. Still, I’m sure much of it depends on the person and the circumstance. What are your thoughts on this? Would you ever lie for someone you love? Or would even being asked to do so be a violation of your relationship?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Lied to My Boyfriend to Protect My Friend

DearSugar — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Three years ago I met my boyfriend through my best friend's boyfriend, and the four of us have been a great group. But recently, they've been having some problems, so she and I have been logging in some girl time. A few weeks ago we went out for drinks and met some guys. They did their best to hit on us, and I politely shooed them away, but not before my friend started flirting with one. She had been drinking so I dragged her home and didn't think much of it. Last weekend we went out again and I was shocked when she told me that the guy she had been flirting with was coming to meet us. I was angry, and told her I resented her for putting me in that position. I stormed out of the bar, but decided I'd wait a few minutes outside to see if she followed. When she didn't, I went back in to tell her I was leaving, only to find her making out with him. I pleaded with her to come with me, but she wouldn't listen so left alone. The next day I talked to her and she claimed that she realized she had made a mistake, but needed time to sort things out before telling her boyfriend. But apparently the guys talked about how we got home at different times that night because my boyfriend confronted me, asking what happened. I knew that if I told him the truth he would feel obligated to tell his friend, so I told him that we got in a fight and she ended up hanging out with another girl friend of ours. It took some convincing, but he believed me. Now I feel completely awful. Even if it was to help my friend, I've never lied directly to my boyfriend before. If it all comes out, I know he'll be hurt. Do you think this is something I can be forgiven for? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Lied to My Boyfriend to Protect My Friend

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

Spotting a Lie

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

For some people, lying is practically impossible, while for others, spouting a few untruths is almost too easy. But unless someone is a pathological liar, you'll probably see their deception spelled out in their body language and behavior. The October issue of Self has a few great pointers on how to recognize when you’re being totally duped. I've listed them here and added on my own suggestions too!

Emotions will appear on someone’s face. So watch their expression closely to see if it matches what they’re saying.
The eyes say more than you think. In fact if they seem motionless or neutral, it’s likely that the person isn’t truly behind what they’re saying.
A reaction that comes on strong and disappears just as fast is likely to be false. True emotions linger.
When you think someone is spinning lies, take note of their hand movement. If they're fibbing, you're likely to see a decrease in gestures.

To see my additions just

This or That: Lied About His Marital Status or Education?

DearSugar — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Just when you thought there weren’t any great guys out there for you, you've gone and fallen in love. And after a few months, it’s still going great. But now that things are getting serious, your boyfriend sits you down and tells you there’s something he’s been lying about. Would it be worse if . . .This: He’s actually married? He and his wife are separated, but they have yet to actually go through the process of divorcing. Or . . .That: He never actually got that masters degree he always refers to, or even an undergraduate degree for that matter? He didn’t want you to think he was dumb, so he just decided to lie instead. Source

This or That: Lied About His Marital Status or Education?

This — Technically he’s actually a married man.

That — He inflated his education to impress.

You Asked: Should I Wait and See if He Changes His Mind?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Back in July my boyfriend confessed that he lied to me about being a virgin — he had actually been with six girls before me. He was my first and it hurt terribly that someone I loved would lie to my for a year and half. I forgave him because I loved him and he genuinely was sorry; the guilt was eating away at him. In the end, he asked for a break and I was devastated. Apparently he had to work out some issues regarding his family and his job. I asked him specifically what a break meant, and he said he just wanted a month without contact.

I haven't seen him for about three weeks. We've both been incredibly busy, but I'm willing to make time and he's not. I asked to spend a day with him and he finally said OK. He blew me off and I waited around like an idiot. I called and left an angry voicemail and instead of calling me back, he proceeded to email me the next day only to go on about a blow-out fight he had with his parents. I replied back that instead of shutting me out he needs to open up to me. He is miserable and seems depressed. He says that he loves me but everything is too crazy right now for him to be in a relationship.

I just don't know where to go from here. I love him and I want to be together, but he can't seem to make the time for me. I know that what we have isn't a real relationship right now so is it over or should I sit tight and see what happens? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop thinking about all of it.

— I'm a Basket Case Bryn

To see DearSugar's answer,

Where Do You Stand: Lying to Your Friends About Your Sex Life

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 08:00:00 -0700

I'm all for a little embellishing when it comes to chatting about what happens in the bedroom, but how do you feel about outright lying? Are there times when it's appropriate to fib about what guy you've done it with, how often you and your man have sex, or how good it is? Have you ever felt the need to lie to your friends in order to impress them? Of course lying about such a private matter won't really hurt anyone, but tell me, where do you stand when it comes to lying to your friends about your sex life?

Source

True Confession — I Lied to My Roommate

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.
"My roommate brought her Internet date to our place. I totally knew this guy and I finally remembered why — I met him online a year ago and we fooled around a bit after our one and only date. We acted like we didn't even know each other. Since I don't know if their date is going anywhere yet, is it OK that I lied to my friend?" Source

True Confession — I Lied to My Roommate

Forgive?

Not Forgive?

Undecided — Please explain!

Sunday Confessional: She Knew He Had Herpes and Didn't Tell Me

DearSugar — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Six months ago I started dating my girl friend's male roommate. At the time, my friend warned me that although her roommate was a good friend, he was a notoriously bad boyfriend. I explained to her that I just wanted to have fun, but she still acted weird about it. Five months in, I learned he was hanging out with a lot of other girls, so we decided to end things. I was disappointed it didn't work out, but I knew it wasn't meant to be. A few weeks ago I found out that I have genital herpes. I knew immediately it was from him — I've only been with one other guy who was also a virgin. I had asked him before we slept together if he had been tested, and he said he was totally clean. Obviously I was very upset by the news and confronted him. Naturally, he claimed that I must have picked it up from some other guy. When I came crying to my friend, she was extremely distressed by what he had said. Apparently, he had confided in her a long time ago that he had herpes, but asked her to keep it a secret. When I heard this I was furious. I know that they're good friends, but I couldn't believe she'd kept that from me when she knew I was sleeping with him! I feel beyond betrayed, but she says she "tried" to warn me. Is her omission of the truth forgivable? Source

Sunday Confessional: She Knew He Had Herpes and Didn't Tell Me

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Had a Rumor Spread About You?

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Although it would be nice to think that the world of rumors and talking behind someone’s back is left in the halls of our high schools, I think we all know that’s just not the case. In fact, most workplaces are rife with gossip as are many circles of friends. That said, not all gossip is bad; some rumors are simply a matter of misinformation. Either way, they can hurt so tell me, have you ever had one spread about you?Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Had a Rumor Spread About You?

I have, and it was a very negative experience.

Yea, but it wasn’t a big deal.

Not that I know of!

Other — I'll explain.

Where Do You Stand? Lying to your Family

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

My dad once told me about a college friend of his that dropped out of school his junior year but never told his parents. They continued to give him money to pay for his tuition and on graduation day, he rented a cap and gown and walked in the commencement line with the rest of his class!

Since I'm so close with my family, I couldn't even imagine living a facade like he did, but I think lying to family members is more common than not. Some lie about living with their significant others and others hide their smoking habit — whatever the case may be, many believe that what people don't know won't hurt them. So where do you stand on lying to your family members? Do you purposely leave certain things out when catching up with family, or are you as honest with them as you are with your best friends?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I've Been Faking Orgasms Our Entire Relationship!

DearSugar — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for over five months. I'm very happy with where we are as couple except for one area: our sex life. My boyfriend just doesn't do it for me! I'm completely attracted to him, but his moves just don't get me to where I need to go. It's partially my fault; I've never communicated my likes and dislikes, instead, I've been faking orgasms (I know, I know) since day one. At first it was just a matter of not ruining the night, but after a while it would have just been too weird if I didn't (pretend) orgasm anymore. I guess I just figured it would work itself out, but it hasn't. So now, in all these months, I haven't had one real orgasm and I can't take it anymore! I am satisfied in every other way, and I want to make it work, but I can't even comprehend what his reaction might be if I tell him the truth. He's a kind man, but he's still very prideful. Do you think he could ever forgive me for this? Source

Sunday Confessional: I've Been Faking Orgasms Our Entire Relationship!

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided — Please explain!

You Asked: I Exposed a Cheating Woman to Her Husband

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

During my husband's first marriage, he had a long-distance (but full-on sexual) affair with a married woman. After we were married, I discovered that they were still in contact. I told him it had to end immediately, and he stopped contacting her. She would still call sometimes, and I demanded that he tell her to stop it. He refused to be "mean" to her, so in a fury, I called her husband and told him that since she'd already ruined his first marriage, I did not want her anywhere near us.

He didn't know about it before I called him. My husband now says he's glad I took charge and ended the problem, but my girlfriends say I was completely irresponsible and put the other woman in danger. They made me feel horrible, and told me it was possible that her husband would be violent against her. This situation has caused a lot of grief for me and my husband, but now on top of that, I'm worried about her. I was trying to fix the situation. Did I do the wrong thing?

— Full of Fury Fleur

To see DearSugar's answer,

Dear Poll: Do You Lie About Your Age?

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Age is a funny thing. Although it's just a number, many people in this world have a hard time admitting what year they were born. And with all the medical advances we have, it's harder than ever to even guess! I understand the concept behind lying about your age on a resume, but lying to friends or potential mates just doesn't make sense to me. Sure, admitting that I'm 30 is a harsh reality, but what good is it going to do if I tell people that I'm still 27? Even though it's silly, tell me ladies, do you lie about your age anyway? Don't worry, your secret is safe with me! Source

Dear Poll: Do You Lie About Your Age?

Yes, I've been lying about my age for years! I feel so much younger than I look so why not?

No, I don't see the point. Age is just a number anyway.

Other — Please explain.

DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Fiance Lied to Me

DearSugar — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Lied-To Linda need your help. Her long-term boyfriend lied to her about being a virgin, like she is, and now that the truth is out and the trust has been broken, she doesn't know how to proceed. They love each other, but can their relationship survive?

Dear Sugar,

I have been in an amazing relationship for about a year and a half. At the beginning, I was honest with my boyfriend about the fact that I was a virgin, and he responded that he was one too. We ended up taking our relationship to that next stage, and now I find out that he lied to me about his virginity. He told me that his lie was eating him up inside and he loved me too much to continue the facade. My reaction was immediate hurt and disgust. I just couldn't believe this person had been lying to my face for so long! He said that he realizes this is not going be fixed overnight and that trust was broken. We had talked about moving in together, marriage, and kids, but everything has changed now.

I explained to him that when you're in a relationship, you owe it to that person to be honest about everything, including their sexual history. He's completely admitted that he's in the wrong, and he tells me that he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work, but I'm torn. What if there are other lies out there that I don't know about? Do you think that I am over-analyzing this situation too much? I know that he is hurting as much as I am, but I just don't know how to move past this awkwardness. I know that this can either ruin our relationship or bring us closer as a couple, so any advice would be a tremendous help.

Source

Handle This: She's Lying to Everyone

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Your friend has always had an insecure streak in the midst of large groups. She tends to become a different person, you assume as a way to compensate for her own fears that the real her just isn’t good enough. But lately she seems to be taking this to a new level.

At a recent party with a group of some of your other friends, you overhear her lying about what she does, where she lives, and where she went to college. She then proceeds to make up a completely phony story involving you. You’re shocked that she’d just blatantly lie to your friends and you think this should be addressed. It's going to be an awkward situation so how would you handle this?

Source

Dear Poll: Do You Ever Lie to Get Out of a Commitment?

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Life is hectic, and it’s all too easy to sign on for more than you can or want to handle. Fortunately, I’ve practiced saying no often enough to avoid locking myself into an obligation I know I’ll regret later. Though I’m sure we’re all the type to try our best and follow through on commitments, every once and a while, when the time comes, it's normal to not feel up to making the effort. Sometimes a lie is easier than the truth, so do you ever lie to get out of a commitment? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Ever Lie to Get Out of a Commitment?

Yes, I've done this on more than one occasion.

No. I'd rather just speak up and be honest.

Nah, I just suffer through the commitment.

I've done this before, but I try to avoid it.

Other — I'll explain.

Do Tell: Do You Lie to Your Friends When It Comes to Matters of the Heart?

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Friends are overprotective by nature and since they can be such tough critics when it comes to matters of the heart, it's sometimes hard to be forthcoming with all the details of your relationship, especially when you're experiencing bumps in the road. While I'm not one to advocate lying, I do believe it's imperative to live life for ourselves, not for our friends, which is why leaving out the bad parts can sometimes be a good idea in the long run. I've done it before, so do tell, have you ever lied to your friends when it comes to matters of the heart in order to protect your relationship?

Source

Cheat and Not Tell?

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Earlier this week I came across a Time article dedicated to infidelity. Author Andrea Sachs interviewed Mira Kirshenbaum, a couples counselor expert, who has discerned 17 reasons that people have extramarital affairs but almost always advises them not to tell — yes, not to tell! She rationalizes her opinion by saying:

. . . how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn't alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow.

Sure, telling your loved one that you strayed is devastating, but in my opinion, lying to your significant other is just as hurtful. Kirshenbaum believes there are only two exceptions to her rule: when he/she didn't practice safe sex or if it's imminent that the other person will find out. Now I've always been one for honestly, so while I understand what she's trying to say, I have to disagree with her advice to lie. What about you? Do you think her opinion has more validity than telling the truth?

Source

You Asked: I'm Dreaming About My Ex!

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been in wonderful committed relationship going on three years, but recently I've been having very vivid sexual dreams about my ex-boyfriend. I think this might be linked to the fact that I just started birth control and my libido has virtually vanished. I long for the earlier times when sex was uninhibited and exciting like it was with my ex. Every time I have these dreams, I am aware that I'm in a relationship, but choose to cheat with my ex anyway. My boyfriend and I have always had a healthy sex life so what do you think these dreams mean and should I be worried? — Dreaming Deirdre

To see DearSugar's answer

Sunday Confessional: I Exposed Her Secrets on My Blog

DearSugar — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I started a personal blog about a year ago as a way to keep track of my life post-college. In the beginning, it was more of a casual thing, but over time, and as I gained a few readers it became more serious. Friends and family knew about it, but I never really made it accessible for them. In fact, many of the people in the posts involve my closest friends and family members — though I've always given them pseudonyms. One friend in particular has had some bad months lately, and I often found myself blogging about her and her messy life. She's made a lot of poor decisions, and I think posting it on my blog was a way for me to talk through it without actually talking about it with anyone who might know her. Long story short, she recently discovered my site — I have no idea how — but she was enraged and deeply hurt. She feels that her trust has been violated, and that I've completely stabbed her in the back. And of course, she's upset by the opinions I have of her. She's cut me out of her life, and informed mutual friends about my blog, who have now also turned on me. I understand why she feels the way she does, but I never meant for anyone to find out. My personal life is a wreck now! It's like my diary has been exposed. I've pulled down my blog, and I want to make things right, but can I ever be forgiven?Source

Sunday Confessional: I Exposed Her Secrets on My Blog

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided — Please explain!

You Asked: Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

After coming back from college, I decided to move in with my grandma while I continued my graduate degree. At the time, it seemed like a great move: My grandpa had recently passed away, my grandma needed some company, the college I was attending was nearby, and I had landed a job right near her. Now, two years later, I have finished grad school, and my boyfriend and I have decided to take our relationship to the next level. We've started to look for apartments and plan on moving in together, but I'm having a really hard time breaking the news to my grandma. I feel guilty leaving her alone, and she has voiced on several occasions (after hearing about other family members moving in with their boyfriends) that she opposes couples living together before marriage. I am 24 years old and am definitely ready to move on, so how do I break this news without hurting her? Would it be so bad to fib about the boyfriend being involved in the move? — Cautious Cassandra

To see DearSugar's answer,

Handle This: She’s Cheap, But Rich

DearSugar — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Though you have quite a few thrifty friends who you’re always more than happy to oblige by grabbing deli sandwiches over a dinner out, or a long walk instead of a trip to the movie theater, one friend in particular is notoriously stingy with her dollars. She constantly complains about being broke. In fact, half the time you end up paying the way for both of you and don’t see a dime in return.

When using her computer, you get a brief glimpse of her bank statement open on her screen. In her checking account alone she has three times as much money as you do. You’re totally shocked and can’t help but feel taken advantage of — she's been lying to you. Money is always awkward, so how would you handle this?

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Be Honest Now?

DearSugar — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and I Lied Laura need your help. She was dishonest with her boyfriend about how many men she's slept with when they first started dating, but she's now ready to tell the truth. Is it too late? Weigh in and tell her what you'd do.

Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, and when we first started dating, I lied to him twice about how many guys I've slept with and he still doesn't know the truth to this day. This situation is on my mind daily. Part of me wants to tell him the truth, but I'm just so scared that he'll break up with me and I'll lose him forever.

I love my boyfriend so much and I can see things going much further in the future, but I don't want our relationship to be based on lies. Should I risk it and tell him the truth or stay mum and hope my guilt goes away?

Source

Sunday Confessional: My Fiancé Thinks I'm a Virgin, but I'm Not

DearSugar — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My fiancé and I have been engaged for the past year and were together for a year before that. We were both 20 when we met, and within the first few weeks of our relationship my fiancé confided in me that he was a virgin and intended to be until he was married. He comes from a very religious and traditional family, and his values and morals are extremely important to him — one of the many reasons why I love him. I knew that there was something special between us, so I didn't think twice about having to hold off on sex. But when he went on to tell me that he needed to be with a woman who shared the same values, I panicked. Out of fear of losing him, I made a horrible error and lied about my own sexual history. I told him that I too was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage, when in fact, I had had sex with two other guys. It's now two years later and just over a month away from our wedding. I know that my fiancé is nearly more excited for the wedding night than the actual wedding, and this secret is eating away at me. I love him more than words can describe. I don't want to disappoint him or hurt him; it will destroy him to find out about this. Can I ever be forgiven if I continue this secret and never tell him? Source

Sunday Confessional: My Fiancé Thinks I'm a Virgin, but I'm Not

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided — Please share.

Sunday Confessional: My Entire Family Lied to Me

DearSugar — Sun, 25 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I'm the baby of my family with two older sisters. My Parents have been married for 30 years, and we've all been very close my entire life. I won't go into the details, but I recently found out my mom was cheating on my dad. I was utterly devastated and immediately went to my sisters to seek comfort. Surprisingly, they didn't react the way I was expecting. I was full of anger, but they seemed to be more understanding. Eventually after a lot of prying and crying, they revealed that my father had an affair with some woman for nearly a decade. Apparently things had come out about five years ago when I was still in high school — I do remember a strange time during my junior year, but I didn't put things together. My sisters had talked about it with both my parents, but they had all decided not to tell me. Obviously my mom chose to stay, and I think the same will be said of my dad after this new turn in events, though apparently their relationship is more "open" then I realized.Ever since my sisters broke the news to me, I feel like everything I had ever thought about my family was the exact opposite. I can't believe that my parents were willing to put our family through this, and I'm terribly angry with my sisters for collaborating with them to keep this lie going for so long. I have never felt more naive and hurt. They've all tried to contact me, but I feel so much hate towards them right now, I just can't let them in. I don't know what to do. Should I try to learn to forget their terrible betrayal and forgive them? Source

Sunday Confessional: My Entire Family Lied to Me

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided — Please share

Where Do You Stand: White Lies

DearSugar — Mon, 12 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A white lie, by its definition, is one without ill-intent, but still, even the most innocent lie can bloom into something much larger and damaging than you intended. Admittedly, I use a white lie every now and again to protect someone’s feelings, but even then I feel a wave of guilt — so am I protecting their feelings for them or for me? It seems that lying in any form just isn’t OK. If honesty really is the best policy, then where do you stand when it comes to using white lies?

Source

You Asked: Am I Just Going to End Up Waiting Endlessly?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have worked at my current place of employment for about eight months, and from the start I have been interested in one of my co-workers. We started hanging out, and that eventually turned into a few dates. A month in I found out he had a live-in girlfriend, but he told me that the situation wasn't going well and that he still wanted to be with me. I said OK with the assumption that he was going to break up with her, which he did shortly thereafter.

We decided to start dating exclusively, but he really didn't want his ex to find out since they were still living together until the lease ended in a couple months. Within two weeks he was telling me that being a couple wasn't working for him because he was feeling too guilty. Since then he still kisses me and acts like we're together so I can't help but feel confused. It's been five months now, and I feel like I'm just waiting.

On top of all this, co-workers recently told me that he has a kid and has been divorced before, both of which I found out were true, but not from him. Is his omission of these important things a lie? I know he seems like someone I should have given up on a long time ago, but I have such strong feelings for him, and I don't know what to do.

— Confused by His Actions Ally

To see DearSugar's answer,

True Confession — I'm Toying With His Emotions

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 07:00:00 -0700

I know how much you all love our Sunday Confessional, so my friend at True Confessions is joining forces with me to bring you a midweek confessional! Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or don't forgive the confessional below."My ex is trying to get back together with me. I have no plans on going through with it but I sure am enjoying the sense of power I feel right now! Is toying with his emotions forgivable?"Source

True Confession — I'm Toying With His Emotions

Forgive?

Not Forgive?

Undecided

Handle This: You Run Into Your Boyfriend With Another Woman

DearSugar — Tue, 06 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

You’re out to dinner with a friend on a Tuesday night at the local hot spot. Your boyfriend has been busy with a work project — he's had to stay late a lot — so you’ve decided to make the most of your free time with some good old girl talk.

As you leave the restaurant, you’re shocked to see your boyfriend sitting at a table in the corner with another woman. Their conversation appears a little too intimate to be business-related, but he never mentioned dinner plans tonight. You don’t want to embarrass yourself or your boyfriend if it’s nothing, but you feel strange walking out without saying something. Your friend is pressuring you to walk up to him, so how would you handle this?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Accused My Friend of Something She Didn't Do

DearSugar — Sun, 04 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few months ago, my husband and I decided to separate with the intention of divorcing. We have many mutual friends including one girl who used to date one of my husband's best friends. They've since broken up, but I had become very close with her even though she's more than a decade younger than me. A couple weeks into our separation, my husband came to me and told me that this girl had tried to seduce him. He gave a very convincing account, and I was shocked and felt terribly betrayed.But I didn't handle my feelings properly, and instead, I began to attack her via nasty text messages and comments on MySpace. I even convinced some of our mutual friends to completely cut her off. A few days ago one of my husband's male friends came to me in confidence and told me that his admission about my friend hitting on him was a lie that he made up to protect himself. The fact is that as soon as we separated, he headed to her house and tried to seduce her. When she turned him down, he fabricated the other story before she could get back to me and tell me what really happened. At first I didn't want to believe his friend, but I knew in my gut that it was true. I confronted my husband and he confirmed it. I've now tried to contact my friend and apologize, but she'll have nothing to do with me. I realize that I acted fairly immature, and should have talked to her about it before resorting to such mean and hurtful tactics, but I was completely convinced by my soon to be ex-husband. I know we may never be friends again, but the guilt of what I did is still eating away at me. Can I ever be forgiven for my attacks and accusations? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Accused My Friend of Something She Didn't Do

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided — Please share

Handle This: He Gambles Away His Savings

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:00:00 -0700

You and your boyfriend have been living together for the past two years in a small apartment. You’ve both been wanting to upgrade to something a little bigger so you’ve been trying to save diligently in order to make it happen.

One day you overhear your boyfriend on the phone with a friend complaining about how he lost $2,000 in an online poker match. To add insult to injury, he references previous losses as well and you didn't even know that he was gambling! You’re completely shocked and upset. You want to walk in there and scream at him for wasting that much money on a game when he should be saving, but then again, it's technically his money, not yours, so you're not sure what you can say. How do you handle this?

Source

You Asked: My Ex Lied to Me About His Sexual History

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 11 months, and we had sex after six. I was a virgin at the time and didn't feel ready to have sex yet. He had told me that he was also a virgin, and we had numerous talks about how I believed premarital sex was wrong; his view was that if it was with the right person for the right reasons, it couldn't be wrong. In the end, we had sex, and over time I became comfortable with the idea of it and my views on premarital sex changed.

Eventually we broke up because I could sense he wasn't right for me — I caught him telling white lies a lot, and he was constantly sharing the more intimate details of our relationship with his friends. After a few months had passed, we decided to try being friends again. Everything was going great, until he informed me that he had lied when he said he was a virgin. Even though it's been months since our breakup, it still hurts to hear that; I feel betrayed and used.

Apparently he felt guilty about lying to me and wanted to come clean. Now he's asking for forgiveness, and I don't know what to do. I've never felt more disrespected and stupid. How do I deal with this?

— Lied to Lila

To see DearSugar's answer,

Dear Poll: Do You Ever Lie About Your Relationship Status?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:00:00 -0700

I have definitely warded off an approaching jerk by mentioning a fictional boyfriend. But that’s about the only time I’ll blatantly lie about my relationship status. One of my friends always lies to her grandparents and tells them she’s dating when she’s not to avoid their constant pressure. And of course, there are many people, unfortunately, who gladly lie about being in a relationship in order to appear single. So tell me ladies, do you ever lie about your relationship status? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Ever Lie About Your Relationship Status?

No, I’ve never done this.

Only when it comes to getting rid of a guy I’m not interested in.

I do this often.

Other — I'll explain below.

Are You Honest When Your Friends Ask About Their Weight?

DearSugar — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0700

I don't like to lie, but sometimes I won't tell the whole truth in order to protect someone's feelings. Like when a friend asks if I think they look amazing in an outfit that I wouldn't be caught dead in, I might just point out the elements of it I do like.

It gets trickier when a friend asks you if you think they've gained weight or if you like their new boyfriend. If the honest answer is the negative one, it can be a very hard terrain to negotiate. I aways wonder how other people handle these sorts of predicaments so ladies, how do you deal with these kind of questions? Do you tell your friends the truth when they ask even if it might hurt their feelings?

Source

Sunday Confessional: He Lied to My Parents

DearSugar — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 06:58:54 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months, and recently, I decided it was time to introduce him to my parents. Both of my parents are fairly intimidating. They’re both highly opinionated and have high-profile careers. My boyfriend was extremely nervous about meeting them because he’s currently unemployed and living at home — he’s trying to finish his last semester of schooling to become an x-ray technician. My boyfriend is an extremely hard worker, and I have absolutely no worries that he’ll be successful down the road. At the dinner, things were going well until my parents asked about his future plans. Instead of being honest, he started in on a bunch of lies about what he does for a living — talking about his last job as a marketing assistant as if he’s still doing it. The lie might not have been so bad if I hadn’t already told my parents that he was unemployed and in school. I could tell they were very confused and realized that he was blatantly lying to them. I confronted him on the way home, and he said he lied because he wanted them to like him, but it seemed more like a machismo thing to me. We got into a huge fight. He thought I was being judgmental and blowing it out of proportion. The irony is that my parents didn’t even care about the unemployment, but now they feel like he’s untrustworthy; they're no longer supportive of our relationship. I also can't help but wonder what else he might lie about just to make himself look better. Should I assume this is a one-time thing and just forgive him? Source

Sunday Confessional: He Lied to My Parents

Forgive?

Not Forgive?

Undecided

Do Tell: Have You Ever Lied to Get Out of a Fight?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 15:00:00 -0800

There are certain rules we all know: Communication is key and honesty is the best policy. But sometimes, anything seems easier than fighting with your partner, including telling him a little white lie. Now I don't condone lying, but I think sometimes avoiding a confrontation with a lie is probably better than having the confrontation to begin with. But what do you think? Do tell ladies, have you ever lied to get out of an argument? If so, what was it?

Source

You Asked: He Caught Me in a Lie

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of eight months has a drawer where he puts his change and everything in his pocket at the end of the day. Last Friday when we were hanging out, I noticed that there happened to be a lot of crumpled bills there, so I took a $10 bill, thinking he wouldn't notice. He did, and asked me directly if I'd been taking money from his drawer. I adamantly told him that I would never steal, but it turns out that he had marked the bills and this was just a test to see if I would lie.

So now I'm both a liar and a thief. I love this man so much, but now he's questioning our relationship and everything I've ever said to him. He has always been very jealous and suspicious of me because I've dated a lot people and he hasn't. He's 32, and I'm 30. I feel so stupid that I lied. I'm just so scared that I'll lose him. I need to make this better, but how do I make him trust me again?

— Sorry I Stole Sydnie

To see DearSugar's answer

Sunday Confessional: I Lied About Cheating

DearSugar — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 09:00:00 -0800

As soon as my boyfriend and I moved in together a year ago, our relationship began to unravel. We worked different schedules and rarely saw each other. When we were both home, he'd spend more time with his video games than with me. I told him that I felt he was taking me for granted — I even gave him ideas of things that would make me feel more important in his life. He'd try for a few weeks, and then everything would be back to the same old song and dance. I became very depressed and began to have a more than friendly relationship with another man. At first we just sent flirtatious emails, but soon they became sexual and we ended up hooking up a few times; we didn't have sex. One night my boyfriend confronted me. He had noticed that I was acting very strange and hacked into my email account. Although he discovered my emails with the other man, none of them actually mentioned anything concrete. I lied and told him that I hadn't done anything, but told him I was considering it. He was devastated but said if I stopped, he'd forget what had happened and do everything he could to change his ways. We're now working on rebuilding our relationship, but I'm overwrought with guilt that we're starting over based on a lie. Should I be forgiven for not being 100 percent honest with him? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Lied About Cheating

Forgive

Not forgive

Undecided

Dear Poll: Do You Lie to Your Doctor?

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 13:11:51 -0800

Tara Parker-Pope brought up an interesting subject on her Well blog: lying to your therapist. Sure, there are many topics that can be embarrassing or uncomfortable to talk about, especially when it comes to your body or your innermost thoughts and secrets, but in order to get the correct advice, we need to give all the facts. I can’t help but wonder what the point of talking to a therapist or doctor is if you’re just going to lie to them. I'm always honest because I just assume that they've heard worse, but what about you? Have you ever lied to your therapist or doctor? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Lie to Your Doctor?

Yes

Other — Please explain