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DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Do We Get Out of This Rut?

DearSugar — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and We're In a Run Rach need your help. She and her boyfriend are stuck in the same routine and she needs some advice on how to live again.

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now and we've been living together for the past seven months. In the beginning, things were fun and exciting, but now I feel like we are stuck in a major rut. It seems like all we do is watch TV, cook dinner, and go to bed. The worst part about the TV watching is that we're doing it in separate rooms! I've talked to my boyfriend about how this makes me feel and how I wish we did more together, but his response was that we live together, insinuating that we're together all the time.

While I love our mellow lifestyle, I miss going on "dates" and hitting the town every once in a while. Money has been tight for both of us as well, so what are other couples out there doing in order to keep their relationships fun and exciting? And I'm also wondering if this slump we're in is a normal progression when you first move in with someone you've been dating for a while. Any advice would be a great help. — We're In a Run Rach

Source

You Asked: Is He Actually Committed?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for two years and we live right next to each other — we've actually been neighbors for years. I am 24 and he is 29. The timing isn't certain, but he's been planning to move a half an hour to an hour away where it will be more convenient for work. Also, the areas he's looking at are much cheaper for buying a house. I really don't want to be away from him, so he suggested that I move with him, and we can get a house together. I really like the idea of living together, but the only problem is I believe that moving in together without the serious commitment of marriage has a lot of consequences.

We've never talked about marriage, but he does say that moving in together is the start of our life together. But why would he be willing to make a permanent commitment if all the privileges of marriage are there without any of the responsibilities? It makes me think he's not ready for the actual commitment of marriage, and I don't want to enter into some kind of pseudo-marriage situation. If I tell him this, I don't want it to sound like I’m suggesting or forcing marriage, but I also don't want him to think that I just don't want to live with him. Am I just being too paranoid and thinking too much into this? Should I go with the flow?

— Marriage and Moving Malia

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Has Living With a Friend Ever Backfired?

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

It looks like their strained relationship has finally come to a head — Audrina is moving out of the house she shared with her Hill's costars LC and Lo. We've talked a lot about whether it's a good idea to live with friends and in this case, it clearly wasn't. Of course, many factors make or break any kind of living arrangement, but tell me, have you ever lived with a friend and had it go terribly wrong? Have you ever had a friendship be permanently strained because you were just lousy roommates?

Bauer-Griffin Online

You Asked: I'm Ready to Break Up

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm tired of trying to make things work with my boyfriend of five years. He's constantly bashing people's efforts, problems, and ways. He always has some negative comment about something. When he isn't doing that, he's either sleeping or making excuses to justify his actions. He blames everything on someone or something going on in his life. If I try to say something to encourage him in a positive direction, he comes back at me with some type of insult. In my opinion, he is a walking contradiction and a hypocrite. He's older than I am, which makes it even worse that I have to tell a grown man how to think and act like an adult. He lives with me but does nothing to help out. I love him, but I've reached my limit — I know I deserve better than this. His negativity is weighing on me, so what should I do? — I'm Done Donna

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Can I Wait Patiently?

DearSugar — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Sick of Waiting Willow need your help. She wants her boyfriend to pop the question but he's not ready. He doesn't feel that the timing is right, but Willow doesn't know how to wait patiently. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over three years. We've been living together for at least two, and we are at the stage in our relationship where I feel like we're already married. My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s and everything feels intact expect for one problem — he's not proposing anytime soon! No matter how many talks we have, the only straight answer he gives me is, "The timing isn't right. You don't have to wait forever, so why worry?" He's right; I know it will happen one day, and I'm lucky enough that I've found "the one," but what is all this timing talk about? It's starting to overcome my every thought. I keep faking myself out, thinking a proposal is coming, only to feel constantly let down. I don't want my impatience to cause a rift, but I don't know how to remain calm about it. Do you have any advice? — Sick of Waiting Willow

Source

You Asked: Are We Ready For the Next Step?

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of almost seven years and I took a break back in March of this year, but got back together two months ago. While it has not been difficult to remember what I love about him and how he makes me feel, it has been very hard coping with his friendship with a girl he developed a crush on not too long before we broke up. While he has since lost romantic interest in her, they remain good friends (though not as close as they were while he and I were apart). My problem is that I can't seem to get over the fact that she reminds me of the heartache I went through when he and I broke up, and that no matter how much I feel I should get to know her for his sake, there's a huge part of me that wishes I didn't have to; wishes she would just disappear. He told me he would stop talking with her because he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work, but I don't want him to stop being friends with someone he cares for — I don't want him to resent me.

The bigger issue here is that he has asked me to move in with him and I have been greatly considering it, but I don't know if it's a good idea just yet. After talking with my older sister and doing some real soul-searching, I believe it's best for he and I to fully reconnect first (which we've done a great deal of in these last two months) and for me to feel more comfortable with his friendship with the girl before I really consider moving in with him. But how do I get to know her as an individual instead of as the girl who could have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend for good? — Stand My Ground Gina

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Where Do You Stand? Lying to your Family

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

My dad once told me about a college friend of his that dropped out of school his junior year but never told his parents. They continued to give him money to pay for his tuition and on graduation day, he rented a cap and gown and walked in the commencement line with the rest of his class!

Since I'm so close with my family, I couldn't even imagine living a facade like he did, but I think lying to family members is more common than not. Some lie about living with their significant others and others hide their smoking habit — whatever the case may be, many believe that what people don't know won't hurt them. So where do you stand on lying to your family members? Do you purposely leave certain things out when catching up with family, or are you as honest with them as you are with your best friends?

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: I'm Ready but He's Not!

DearSugar — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Next Step Nina need your help. She and her boyfriend are very happy and in love, but she's ready for marriage and he wants to wait another two years before even talking about it! She's not a fan of ultimatums, but she doesn't want to wait around for him. What should she do?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years, and we live together. I'm 24 and he is 26. We are both about a year into our great jobs and are doing well financially; we are even saving for a down-payment on a house. We've traveled together and visited both our families who seem to like us as a couple. We love each other and really push for each other to be the best we can be.

We talk about how we will raise our children, where we want to travel, where we want to live, and what we want from our relationships. Overall, everything is great, but I'm feeling more and more ready for marriage. I'd like to be engaged and perhaps married in one to two years. When I brought this up, he was a bit nervous and said that he doesn't see himself married for at least two years from now — the exact timeline I have, but while I am ready for an engagement now, he doesn't want to start talking about marriage for another two years, which means more waiting for me. When his family asks him about us, he also sidesteps the topic of marriage. He says he loves me, he says I'm the one for him and he sees us together forever, but the word never comes out of his mouth.

Should I just be patient and wait? If so, for how long? I hate ultimatums, but should I give one anyway? It's been two years and four months since we were official, and I just want to know! — Next Step Nina

Source

You Asked: I Think Porn Is Disgusting, But He Likes it

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
Four months ago when my live-in boyfriend was out of town, I discovered that he had downloaded multiple videos of porn and has received numerous pictures of naked women from his male friends via email. I confronted him about it, and he sees nothing wrong with it. He said that he'd stop looking at them, but I know for a fact he's lying.

I have serious issues with pornography as an industry, and on principle alone I find porn disgusting. A person looking at videos of people having sex is something that is not acceptable to me. I am so upset that I'm ready to walk away. Am I completely wrong?

— Disgusted Deb

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You Asked: Is He Trying to Tell Me Something?

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. When it came time to resign our leases last spring, we both did as we knew it was much too soon to live together. He is 27 and pretty much has his life together while I'm 22, have a ton of debt, and am contemplating going back to school.

This week my boyfriend told me that he is seriously considering buying a condo or an apartment. This news really scares me — does this mean we'll never get to live together? I don't really see myself moving into his house and paying his mortgage and it's really starting to stress me out. Am I overthinking this or should I just forget about cohabitation until we are actually considering buying a home together? — Insecure Indy

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Relationship Protocol: What Did You Learn When You Started Living Together?

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Every new step in a relationship allows a couple to learn more about each other. Meeting a significant other’s friends reveals his attitude and sense of humor, visiting his childhood home lets you in on his past, and moving in together opens up a wealth of information about his day-to-day habits. And while everything you learn may not be music to your ears, accepting someone's minor flaws is part of the package. So, good or bad, what did you learn when you and your honey started living together?

Source

You Asked: My Fiancé Is a Control Freak

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I have been together three years now and will be getting married in a month. I love him dearly — he is a generous and very strong man. I've been off work for almost five months because I've been struggling with depression. Before, I had been working as a graphic designer at the same company as my fiancé — he managed me on multiple projects. I was beginning to feel like I had my boss at work and at home so I quit. Since I've been home, I've started doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and housework and when my fiancé is home, he just plays video games.

When I first met him, he was a total slob and never picked up after himself; he's an only child who's used to having his mom do everything for him. I grew up in a big family where organization was mandatory. Needless to say, I like things clean. My fiancé makes almost triple what I did, plus he works long hours, so I don't expect him to come home and cook and clean — plus doing all the chores doesn't really bother me.

The problem is that even though he doesn't help out, he is constantly telling me how to do things down to the littlest detail, like how he likes his socks rolled and the order in which I wash the dishes! When I explain to him that I don't appreciate his nagging when I'm trying my best, he'll throw a tantrum and it ends up being my fault. I love him, but I'm feeling resentful. How can I fix this?

— In Need of Respect Rita

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8 Tips For Newlyweds Moving In Together

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Deciding to wait until marriage to move in together is a choice that many couples make. And though any couple's move-in is a serious step, there’s something particularly significant about newlyweds starting a life together. It’s exhilarating, but certainly a little scary, so I’ve come up with some tips for moving in with your new spouse.

Talk money beforehand. Discussing and deciding who’s paying for what prior to signing a lease or shelling out a down payment will save you many potential headaches down the road.
Be prepared for an adjustment. Once you’re living together there are certain parts of your relationship that will naturally change. Whether those changes are good or bad will be determined based on your attitude toward them, so stay positive.
Figure out both of your expectations regarding cleanliness. And if they’re different, come up with a compromise you both can live with.

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Where Do You Stand: Choosing Where to Cohabitate

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

When a couple decides to take the plunge and move in together, there are a lot of things that need to be taken into heavy consideration — deciding where to live being the most important one! Of course, it's easiest to move into one person's existing home, but you don't want to ever feel like it's their house instead of yours. Since finding something new can be expensive and time consuming, I guess it's just a matter of convenience, or is it? I've never cohabitated so tell me, where you stand on moving in together. Is it better to get a new place as a couple, or move into one person's established home?

Source

This or That: Slovenly or Porn Habit?

DearSugar — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

After nearly two years of harmonious dating, you and your boyfriend have decided to move in together. You’re both extremely excited about the prospect, but after only a few weeks of living under the same roof, you’re learning a few things you never knew. You’re still compatible in most ways, but would it be worse if he . . .This: Has no ability or desire to keep any portion of the place clean or tidy? You can take messy, but it’s the grime, filth, and caked on crumbs that are killing you.Or . . .That: Has a very persistent habit of watching porn until the wee hours of the morning? He only does it after you go to bed, but it stills feels too often to be healthy. Source

This or That: Slovenly or Porn Habit?

This — He’s a slob through and through.

That — His porn habit is consistent to a fault.

You Asked: I'm Tired of Being His Maid

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and living together for the past two. From what he has told me, he grew up in a house that was a disaster, which became a way of life for him. There were dishes and clothes everywhere and dirt all over the house — nobody cared to clean and he grew comfortable with that.

I, on the other hand, come from a family of neat freaks. I grew up vacuuming and dusting nearly every single day. My mom was very strict about how we kept our bedrooms and as a young adult, I adopted some habits of my mother's compulsive cleanliness. I'm by no means as harsh as she was but I like the common areas of our apartment to be clean. I like when trash goes in the trash can, paperwork is on the table (not the floor), and food isn't spread all over the countertops.

My boyfriend and I have had numerous, calm discussions about keeping things clean and he's agreed to help, but that hasn't happened. I find myself frustrated to the point where I end up throwing a fit about his disgusting living habits. I am at the point where I'm about to move out. I'm tired of acting like a slave and feeling unappreciated for keeping things tidy. What should I do? I still want to live with him because I love him, but I'm tired of being the maid!

— Clean and Tidy Cate

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You Asked: Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

After coming back from college, I decided to move in with my grandma while I continued my graduate degree. At the time, it seemed like a great move: My grandpa had recently passed away, my grandma needed some company, the college I was attending was nearby, and I had landed a job right near her. Now, two years later, I have finished grad school, and my boyfriend and I have decided to take our relationship to the next level. We've started to look for apartments and plan on moving in together, but I'm having a really hard time breaking the news to my grandma. I feel guilty leaving her alone, and she has voiced on several occasions (after hearing about other family members moving in with their boyfriends) that she opposes couples living together before marriage. I am 24 years old and am definitely ready to move on, so how do I break this news without hurting her? Would it be so bad to fib about the boyfriend being involved in the move? — Cautious Cassandra

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Relationship Protocol: Household Chores

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0700

No matter where or how you live, chores need to be done in every household, and when you live with your significant other, you're one of the lucky ones that has someone to split the grunt work with! Most couples I know divvy up their chores fairly evenly, albeit in a slightly sexist way: The woman makes the bed, does the laundry, and tidies up the house, while the man takes out the trash, does the dishes, and scrubs the toilets. Sounds like a good deal to me!

So now that I'm curious, tell me, how do you split the household responsibilities in your relationship? Do you have even duties, or do you feel the pendulum swings one way much more than the other?

Source

You Asked: Is He Just Settling For Me?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We dated on and off and were friends for a year before we actually became a couple. We are about to move in together and I'm really starting to have reservations about our relationship. First of all, he was engaged previously and proposed to his then girlfriend after just three months — they were both only 20 years old. Things ended badly between them. While I didn't have a desire to get engaged that early, I can't help but feel that maybe his feelings for me are not as strong as they were for his ex. We have talked about marriage, but he really wants to wait a few years.

He has also said that as long as I don't cheat on him or treat him badly, he will never break up with me. Those words seem to lack passion, and it makes me feel as though he's just settling for me. I was the first to say "I love you" and sometimes I feel like he said it back because it was the polite thing to do. I believe that he means it now, but I can't shake the feeling that he isn't nuts about me like he was with his ex.

He was really affectionate when we first started dating and now if I ask him to cuddle or kiss me, he acts put out. He has no problem taking me out or buying me things, but this is not what matters to me. I don't know what to do. We are a month away from moving in together and I'm afraid that things are only going to get worse after that. Is he just settling for me? Or am I just being crazy?

— Not So Crazy in Love Casey

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You Asked: Our Life Is Already Routine and Boring

DearSugar — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years and I just moved in together. As time goes by, he spends less and less time with me, and he constantly turns to his friends for his outings, parties, and events over me. Part of the reason why I fell in love with him is because he's so fun and creative — we had so much in common in terms of passions and hobbies, but the more committed we get, the less of these we seem to share.

I understand that it's not that much fun to sign a lease, buy furniture, and set up accounts with utility providers, but it needs to be done, and I don't see why we can't go and relax together afterwards. Instead, he's off to hang out with his friends. We're still living without hot water, gas, or a fridge!

He says he only has so much time allotted for me and unfortunately, that time is now being spent doing routine stuff like getting cable or shopping for bookshelves, so when we're done, he's seen enough of me for the day and would rather go do something else. I understand what he means; I don't want to monopolize his time, I just want to have a life together. I know moving can be stressful, but I'm afraid his behavior is a sign of something worse. I'm tired of making suggestions for fun stuff to do and getting rejected. I don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?

— Stuck at Home Serena

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Relationship Protocol: Taking the Next Step

DearSugar — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Leaving a toothbrush and other necessities at your new boyfriend's place is one of the first milestones in a relationship. For many people this step comes and goes unnoticed, but for others, crossing the threshold from overnight guest to part-time housemate is something that has to be acknowledged by both parties.

Though it would be nice if there were some standard etiquette for this, I think — just like when it comes to whose place you'll stay at more — it really depends on the individuals and the circumstances. But ladies, what are your thoughts? Should he offer you a toothbrush when he’s ready for you to keep one at his place or should you just bring one over when you're ready?

Source

Relationship Protocol: His House or Yours?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you're not ready to share the same mailing address as your boyfriend, chances are you take turns spending time at each other's apartments. But when you're flip flopping houses, it's easy to feel the nag of living out of a bag. In every relationship, give and take is key, but it seems like every couple ends up spending more time at one person's place. So whether your place is bigger or his place is nicer, where do you spend most of your time: his place or yours?

Source

Good Idea or Bad Idea: Waiting Until Marriage to Cohabitate

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Moving in with your significant other is a big step in a relationship. It requires a lot of sacrifice and compromise. It also reveals things about yourself and your partner that you didn’t even know existed. For many, waiting until marriage to move in together leaves too much to the unknown — what if you guys aren’t compatible? While others believe that taking such a serious step should only happen once you’ve committed for the long haul. Taking into account both the positives and the negatives, do you think waiting until marriage to live together is a good idea or a bad idea?Source

Good Idea or Bad Idea: Waiting Until Marriage to Cohabitate

Good Idea: Living together is more serious than people tend to treat it.

Bad Idea: You need to get the kinks of living together worked out before getting married.

Other — Please explain in the comments below.

DearSugar Needs Your Help: He's Thinking About Living With Two Women, But He Won't Live With Me!

DearSugar — Sat, 03 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of one year currently lives in a three bedroom apartment with two of his guy friends. He's lived there for five years and absolutely loves the place. He's comfortable there, he doesn't have to pay much rent, and it's in an amazing area of the city. Both of his roommates are moving to another state and he has one month to either move out of the apartment, or find two new roommates. I currently live in the same city (about a 15-minute walk from his place) in a beautiful, roomy one-bedroom apartment. He was really stressed when he first found out he was losing his roommates (and possibly his place), so I brought up the idea of him moving in with me. I completely understand that he may not be ready to take this next step, but he said he'd think about it.

In the meantime, he put an ad on Craigslist looking for two new roommates. He's set up a bunch of appointments with different people to come over and see the place and as it turns out, one of these "appointments" is with two college girls, and he's 30! When he first started the roommate search, I asked him about the possibility of living with women and he made it very clear that the only woman he'd live with would be me, yet now he's entertaining the idea of living with not one, but two girls! This is obviously really upsetting to me and I'm completely NOT okay with the thought of him living with two random college girls. Am I being irrational? Why would he want to live with them over me? He's not the type of guy who would do well with an ultimatum or a jealous tantrum, but this is simply something I am not willing to compromise on. I feel like he should have jumped on the opportunity to live with me! Please give me some advice before it's too late!

Source

You Asked: I Don't Want to Keep Waiting For Him

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am a single mother with four children. I have been dating my current boyfriend for five years, and although I love him dearly, I can't help but feel like our relationship has hit a standstill. We're currently living in separate towns a couple of hours apart. I'm ready for us to move in with each other and get engaged, but he just won't do it. He comes to see me often and spends a few days but nothing more. Half the time he says he can't see himself living in my town permanently because it's so far away from everything, but the rest of the time, he says he just needs more time. I know he loves me and my children, and I love him, but I'm just not sure I can wait for him anymore.

I feel completely brokenhearted, and I just don't know what I can do. Do you have any advice for getting through this? Can I make it work?

— Tired of Waiting Tamara

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Handle This: You Have to Take a Step Backwards

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

You moved in with your boyfriend and for six months things were great, but the past three have been rough to say the least. Many people said it was too soon for you guys to take this step, and now you think they may have been right. Your boyfriend is rarely home nowadays and when he is, you’re usually frustrated with him.

You guys finally sit down to talk about what’s been going on. He admits that he’s been spending time outside of the house because he feels like you’re always upset with him. At the end of the conversation you both realize that you love each other, but you just aren’t ready to live together. You still want to make it work but if you stay together, it’s like you’re taking this huge step backwards. How would you handle this?

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Relocate For Him?

DearSugar — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. Everything is great with us and he is the first guy that I can definitely see myself spending my life with. The only problem is that he lives 40 minutes away from me (south) and I work 20 minutes north of where I live now. He's recently started to move forward with plans to build his dream house, just a few blocks from his current home, on family land. He's asked me to move in with him and while that sounds amazing, I'd have to drive an hour to work and another hour home (without factoring in traffic and/or potential accidents). He said he understands my point and knows a relationship is about compromise, but he isn't willing to build elsewhere.

I am a teacher and often have to stay late for various things during the school year, and at times, come in to catch up on the weekends, so living an hour away from work seems like a major headache. I even thought of finding a school closer to him, but I would have to take a $10,000 - $15,000 pay cut due to different state laws. Another con on my list is that my family and friends live an hour or more away from him. I brought this up and he said, "It's not like you will never see them. It's only an hour drive." I'm just so used to living in the city where everything is close and he has a more "country" mindset.

I love this man and want to spend my life with him, but I don't know what to do! I don't see myself living that far from work, family, and friends but I also don't see myself with anyone other than my boyfriend. Help!

Source

You Asked: Is My Boyfriend Just Over Me?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years, and about a year ago, I let him move into my house. We have a good relationship at times, but I find myself feeling both confused and annoyed by his behavior often. Sometimes he seems completely in love with me and shows me affection both physically and verbally, but at other times, he couldn't seem less interested. In fact, sometimes I feel like he doesn't even notice when I'm in the house. When I get home he doesn't ask me where I've been or why I was gone so long. And when I am out, he never checks in with me. Is he just not invested in our relationship anymore? What should I do?

— Baffled Bea

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You Asked: Our Sex Life Is Missing Something

DearSugar — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm 27 years old, and my boyfriend and I have been together for four years. He and I are in the process of purchasing a home and moving in together with his 7-year-old son of whom he has primary custody. We have a great relationship, operate a successful business, and are building a nice family.

The problem is that for the past few months I've been feeling like something is missing sexually. We've always had a good sex life, and nothing has changed, but I think that I might be the problem. I long for the feeling you get when you hook up with someone new for the first time. I've been having dreams lately about getting together with other men, and I always wake up longing for something else. This feeling has been distracting me and leading me to dwell on the smallest little things.

When I was younger, I caved to my desires and cheated on two of my former boyfriends. However, I truly have zero desire to cheat on my current boyfriend. I love him dearly, can't imagine being with anyone else, and would never hurt him, but it's difficult to just pretend my feelings don't exist. Should I talk to him about it? Is this something that everyone goes through?

— Bored in the Bedroom Beth

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You Asked: Why Won't He Move in With Me?

DearSugar — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for just over two years now and we live just a few blocks away from each other. I live with my 5-year-old daughter, and he lives with his younger brother. My daughter adores him, and he just loves her. Last year I asked him to move in with us but he said he wasn't ready. This year I have asked him three times, and he still says that he's still not ready. I have to move out of my apartment due to financial issues — I can only stay if I get a co-signer. I've explained the situation to him, and that I need him to move in with me, but he still won't budge.

I told him that I need him to show me that we are moving forward in our relationship, but still nothing has changed. In fact, I do everything for him. He's at my house five days a week, which is why I don't understand why he won't take this next step. Part of me thinks that he's just not willing to commit to me and that I should move on, but my other half just loves him so much and knows what a good person he is. What should I do?

— Move in Confusion Cara

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You Asked: Why Is He Always Here?

DearSugar — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I live with my sister. She has a boyfriend, and they've been together for almost a year. At first, she would go stay at his house and he would come stay at ours on limited occasions, but now he comes over almost daily. Instead of leaving in the morning like he used to, he's been hanging around until mid-afternoon. When we first moved in together, I had no idea that I'd have two roommates, and truth be told, I'm sick of it! He eats our food, uses our bathroom, and they are always all over each other and he just takes up way too much space. Do you have any suggestions to help me deal with this situation? — Needing Space Stacia

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Dear Poll: Does Your Parents' Opinion Matter?

DearSugar — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 08:00:00 -0800

It's been rumored that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are moving in together, but the news of their co-habitation wasn't met with support from Scarlett's mom. Despite her disapproval, it looks like Scarlett and Ryan are moving forward with their plans regardless! Sure, we all crave our parents acceptance and approval, but sometimes we have to be adults and make our own life decisions, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. There's been lots of talk over the past few months about conflicts between parents and partners but let me ask you this, how much does your parents' opinion matter when it comes to matters of your heart? Source

Dear Poll: Does Your Parents' Opinion Matter?

Their approval means the world to me. If they don't like who I'm with or what I do, I feel like I'm a disappointment.

It doesn't mean much — I don't let them dictate my life.

If they are very much opposed to something, I'll listen, but if it's more indifference I don't give it too much thought.

Other — I'll tell you below in comments.

You Asked: How Can We Make My House Our House?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two years and I have been talking about moving in with each other. However, I'm the homeowner so he would be moving into my space. We've talked about how this would work, treating it as "our" space but he's still worried about feeling like it would be more my place. I've suggested moving my items out of one room so he can have a room completely to himself in addition to incorporating his other items into the rest of the house but he's still not convinced. Do you have any suggestions on how to make this transition more welcoming?
— Cohabiting Connie

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You Asked: Is Our Relationship Over?

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of a year and half is telling me he needs space. He had lived with me for six months. It started off as a temporary situation but we have lived together really well — the apartment is always clean, we share chores, and we even set a routine for ourselves so that we always spend quality time together, but now he is saying he needs his space and wants to move out. He has always had some commitment issues but I fear taking this step backward in our relationship means it's coming to an end. I'm hurt that he wants to move and I feel like I need a better excuse than just "I need space." I can't imagine my life without him and I really just don't know what I should make of this situation? Am I overreacting? Could space actually be a good thing for our relationship? Help!
— Wishful Thinking Thea

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News to Me: Cities to Settle Down In

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Yesterday Forbes.com revealed its newest study looking at the best US cities for couples looking for longevity and stability. And not just any couples, but specifically couples that live together without being married. As many of us are taking more time to get to the altar or deciding to forgo the trip altogether, it's no surprise that this group of people is growing every year. Apparently researchers had to follow a very specific methodology in order to examine this particular demographic. The article writes:

We selected the country's largest 40 metropolitan areas and collected data on marriage and divorce rates for the 20- to 34-year-olds that live there, the affordability of a starter home there, the area's income disparity, and the availability of family counseling.

To check out the cities that made the top twenty,

Do Tell: What Possessions of Your Significant Other Do You Loathe?

DearSugar — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 08:00:00 -0800

I love the Friends episode when Monica and Chandler move in together. Much to Monica's dismay, Chandler brought his white horse/dog statue with him. Sure, we all have material things that we've grown attached to, even if no one else understands why, so when couples cohabitate, I think it's pretty normal to argue about what stays and what goes. So ladies, if you've ever been in Monica's shoes, do tell, what possessions of your significant other would you want to throw away?

Source

Sunday Confessional: My Parents Don't Know We're Living Together

DearSugar — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we've been living together for just over three months. The thing is, my parents are super conservative and would just die if they found out we were living together before marriage. So I've been lying to my parents, and when we see them, I make him lie too but he hates it. Since my parents are such do-gooders, they'd be really angry if they found out we were lying to them all this time, but they'd be even more angry if they knew we were "living in sin."I lie to them so that we are able to live the way we please and I don't feel guilty because what they don't know won't hurt them, but is it wrong for me to make him lie as well, or is it forgivable since I'm doing what's right for us?Source

Sunday Confessional: My Parents Don't Know We're Living Together

Forgive?

Not Forgive?

Undecided

You Asked: To Move or Not to Move?

DearSugar — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am moving half way across the country to move in with my boyfriend. I am totally in love with him and we have discussed getting married. Here is the problem - his ex-girlfriend spends the night at his house and sleeps in his bed. I just found this out and apparently this happens on occasion and she just spent the night there night before last!

He has a guest room and she only lives 15 minutes away! Why does she need to sleep in his bed? I told him I didn't like it and that it is really disrespectful to me. He assures me the relationship is totally platonic and that they are just friends. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I don't think they are having sex but I still don't like the idea of her sleeping next to him in the bed I picked out! I was certain that moving and uprooting my life was worth it to be with this guy, but now I couldn't be more confused. Do I move but just get my own place? Do I move in with him? Do I end the relationship? Help! — At a Loss Leslie

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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: His Past Made Him Scared of Living Together

DearSugar — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar and Ready and He's Not Nell need your help. She's ready to live with her boyfriend, but he's reluctant based on an awful past experience. Do you have any advice?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and we have a great relationship in all respects. We love spending time together, and we deeply love and respect each other. We've both expressed that we're in it for the long haul, and although we haven't talked about marriage we know we're headed that way. Since we're still young, we're in no hurry but in the meantime we've discussed living together, but he's reluctant.

You see, he once lived with his ex-girlfriend, and shortly after they moved in together, things started to unravel. She never gave him any time or space to himself, and she didn't do her share around the house and became disrespectful and inconsiderate of his needs and feelings. Communication and intimacy went out the window, and the bitterness and resentment continued to build until she finally left him for another guy.

Because this is his only experience living with a girlfriend, he's scared that the same thing might happen to us. He realizes that our relationship is a hundred times better than theirs was, but for some reason he's still not sure about the whole idea. He says that he definitely sees us living together in the future, but whether it will happen soon (when our leases expire in seven months) is still up in the air. It's really frustrating when I'm so confident about living together, and all he can see is the possibility of failure.

I hate being judged based on some other girl's stupid mistakes, and would love the opportunity to show him that we can make it work. Is there anything I can do to encourage him to give it a chance?

—Ready and He's Not Nell

Source

You Asked: Should I Move in Before Marriage?

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We were in the service together and when I got out of the army, I half expected him to propose, but he didn't so I went back to my hometown and he is still in Korea. We stay in touch and he tells me things like he wants to spend his life with me, grow old together, etc.

When he gets out of the army in November he plans to come to my hometown and live with me. The problem is I don't know if I want us to live together without being married first. I appreciate that he is taking a step towards committing to me, but if we move in now, why would he ask me to get married later? We have talked about marriage but he says we aren't ready. I don't know what to do or how to approach the situation without hurting his feelings or pushing him away. Help! — Going by the Book Beatrix

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You Asked: Should I Move or Wait for Him?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 07:31:42 -0700

Dear Sugar,
I have been dating my boyfriend for three months. He is 21 and I am 24. I recently graduated and it has always been my intention to move out of state after I completed school but now I feel very confused about my dreams for the future. My boyfriend still has a year left in college. When we started dating I told myself it would be "just a casual" thing but the more time we spend together the more and more I care for him and the harder the idea of a long distance relationship seems. I still really would like to move but I don't want to pressure him into moving somewhere that he is not crazy about. What should I do? Should I sacrifice my original plans and form new ones or should I do what I want and hope he is along for the ride? — Stuck Sally

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Do You Believe in Living Together Before Marriage?

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Sometimes I feel like my grandmother's generation is like another species. Those women were just so different when it came to their opinions about relationships. I try to welcome my mom's advice, but sometimes, it's just so "out there," that I have to end the conversation.

The other day we were talking about my best friend who is about to move in with her boyfriend when my mom went off on this whole tangent. She believes that living together before you get married is a bad idea because you'll end up getting divorced. She said it's like playing house and unless the two people are committed to each other by law, that they're not going to take the relationship seriously. She thinks it makes it easy for people to walk away from their relationship problems, instead of staying together to work them out.

I had to completely disagree with her. I believe that it is absolutely essential to live with someone before you make the marriage commitment. Being in love with someone and living with someone are two totally different things. You've got to try the person out to make sure you're compatible roommates. If you can survive living together, and work out all the things you need to do like grocery shopping, cleaning, sharing a bathroom, and paying the bills, you're on your way to a successful marriage.

So what do you think about living together before marriage? Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Will it pave the way for a healthy marriage, or cause a future marriage to end up in divorce?

Source

Money and Relationships

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 11:18:46 -0700

Meeting someone and becoming a couple is a wonderful feeling. You begin sharing your time together and your love for each other, and as your relationship grows closer, you may move in together, which means sharing expenses.

Sure, it's nice when a guy asks you out on a date and offers to pay for dinner, but when it comes to being in a committed relationship, I'm a firm believer in sharing all the costs. While every couple is different, I don't think one person should be in charge of bringing home the bacon while the other one slacks at home.

So how can you make dealing with money as fair and painless as possible? Here are some tips:

No one said you had to merge all your money. And I hate to say it, but in this day and age, with so much divorce, that's just not a smart idea. But you could open a joint checking or savings accounts to pay for joint expenses such as rent, mortgage, groceries, electricity, etc. If one of you makes more money than the other, you may want to split the bills accordingly. So instead of spitting the bills 50/50, you may split them 60/40. As long as you are in agreement about your plan, that's all that matters
If you decide to go this route, you should use your personal bank account to pay for things that are solely for you like clothes, gym memberships, hair and nail appointments, gifts, etc.

Want to hear the rest? Then

The How-To Lounge: Starting Your Life as Husband and Wife

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 10:00:00 -0700

Starting a new life with your husband takes some getting used to, especially if you weren't living together before becoming husband and wife, so I am here with some tips to help the adjustment period run smoothly.

Click here to

The How-To Lounge: Making Sure you're Ready to Move in

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 09:30:00 -0700

Moving in with your boyfriend is a huge step, one that takes serious consideration, so it is imperative that you ask yourself and your partner the appropriate questions before taking the next step in your relationship. I receive many questions from women asking if they are ready so hopefully these tips will help you determine just that.

Click here to

How do I Tell my Parents He Moved In?

DearSugar — Thu, 24 May 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
My fiance and I have been together since July 2006. I love him and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I have met the man that I want to have children with, live through good times and bad, and spend the rest of my life with. In December of 2006, he moved into my apartment. We love each other and wanted to start getting out of debt so that we could save up for a house, engagement ring, and wedding.

I am 28 and have been living on my own since April 2006, and I am a very responsible adult. My question is, how should I let my parents in on the knowledge about my fiance and I already
living together. They are extremely old fashioned and don't believe in living together before marriage, but are aware that I am having financial difficulty. My siblings know that we are living together and although they swear they haven't told my parents, it is going to slip eventually, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
--Moved In Molly

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How Can I Stop Living With My Mother?

DearSugar — Mon, 21 May 2007 13:00:00 -0700

DearSugar--

I'm 26 years old & moved to Los Angeles from New York for college & have remained here since. A little less than 2 years ago, my mom decided to leave her job in NY to live with me in LA. Since her move, I feel like I've dedicated my life to serving and helping her get adjusted. I drive her to work and pick her up so she doesn't have to take the bus. I always eat dinner with her since she doesn't know anyone else, and I always feel like I need to check in with her before I go anywhere. I feel like I'm in high school all over again!

My mom does pay the rent for our apartment and I take care of the utilities and the rest of the bills. This financial help has of course been great because I've been able to lessen my amount of financial debt. The thing is though, I feel like I constantly fight with my mother. I feel like nothing I ever do for her is good enough & I really feel at my wits end.

I am very frustrated because I've gotten to the point where I have no social life. I know it's hard to get used to living with your parents once you haven't lived with them for a while (for me almost 7 years), but I can't deal with this anymore. I wish I could move out but I really can't afford it, and neither can she. She is a single parent, and I have no brothers or sisters, so no one else can help her, and I feel like I'm the only one she has. I love my mom, but I can't do this anymore. What should I do?

--Momma's Girl Margaret

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You Asked: Will they Ever Get Along?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
My amazing, loving boyfriend of over a year dislikes a really close girlfriend of mine. He dislikes her to the point he will avoid being around her. The problem is I am moving into an apartment with her in a few months, I told him about my plans and he said he won't visit me. He says that is the "consequence" of moving in with someone he doesn't approve of. He doesn't mind me living with her but he refuses to have anything to do with her. It all started when they had an argument a while back, it was a minor thing. We were at a dinner party with friends and he was acting very standoffish and she questioned him about his behavior.

Needless to say she wasn't nice about it and he left the party because he was irritated. The next time they bumped heads it was my fault, I told about some issues I was having with him and she asked his friend about it. My boyfriend didn't like her discussing him behind his back and completely wrote her off. She doesn't even know that he really dislikes her because they haven't had any other reason to interact for the whole year that I have been with him. I want to resolve the problem between both of them before it gets worse. What do I do? --In the Middle Millie

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You Asked: What Should I Know About Co-Habitating with my Boyfriend?

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, all the while long distance, but we have always made it a rule to see each other at least twice a month. We have been living in different cities due to work and school, but he just got accepted into law school where I live, so he is finally moving to my city!! Obviously I am thrilled, but I would be naive if I expected the transition of living in separate cities to living together to be smooth sailing. Do you have any advice or tips I should keep in mind while he gets settled? --Proactive Patty

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You Asked: Is It Ultimatum Time?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 16:30:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and living together for 2 1/2 years. Every time I talk about marriage with him he blows me off. I have a 7 year old daughter and she realizes that we are living together and we are not married. I want to be a good example and role model for my daughter, and lately I've haven't been feeling like one. Should I give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either man up and marry me or I'm moving out. ~ Fed-Up Phoebe

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