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Dear Poll: Have You Ever Had a Rivalry With Another Woman?

DearSugar — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 10:00:00 -0800

Blake Lively dispels the rivalry rumor between her and Leighton Meester in the December issue of W magazine. She blames the media for starting it, but it got me thinking about competitive and contentious relationships between women. It seems like many of us have had a frenemy at one point in our lives, but tell me, have you ever had a full-blown rivalry with someone before? Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Had a Rivalry With Another Woman?

Yes, I'm in one right now actually.

No, I've never experienced that kind of relationship before.

You Asked: Do I Deserve His Lies?

DearSugar — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for over four years. Right before we were engaged he was living in another state. When he returned back home, he was very secretive. I snooped through his emails one day, and there were messages from another woman. There was nothing overtly sexual in them, though she did say something about how she's a better woman than me.

It didn't take me long to get over it, but whenever he was out of town for a long period of time, I always felt suspicious. One Summer we were apart for a month and he came home with inappropriate text messages. Things quickly blew up, and I found an email form my husband to another girl complaining about me. This was very hurtful, and again, my trust was broken.

We worked it out, and now three years later, I've been hurt again. My husband said he was going out to dinner with a male business partner, but it turns out it was with two women. He lied directly to my face! I realize I'm a jealous person, and I have definitely snooped, but if I didn't have this feeling in the back of my mind I wouldn't have. But did my jealousy and my snooping drive him to hide things? I don't know that he has ever physically cheated on me, but I feel that he has emotionally. I know he can be a great person, but do I really deserve this?

— Lied To Lacey

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You Asked: Am I Being Unreasonable or Is He Being a Baby?

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been working at my job for a while now, and my co-workers throw quite a few parties. I haven't gone to any, but there is an upcoming surprise party I want to attend. It's being thrown by a female co-worker for her brother, who also works with us. I told my boyfriend about it and asked if he wanted to come, but when I told him it was for a male co-worker, he got quiet and pouty and acted like I was asking for something unreasonable. I can understand if I told him I was going out with some guy friends and didn't ask him to come along, but this is a work party with a number of guys and girls, and I really wanted him to meet my co-workers. He claims that if the tables were turned, I would be upset too (which I don't think would be the case). I've never cheated on him or given him a reason to distrust me, so am I being unreasonable or is he being a baby? What can I do about it? — Irritated Irene

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You Asked: I Don't Want My Best Friends to Date

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My two best friends (guy and a girl) like each other, but I have really strong feelings against them being together. First off, my girl friend is a man eater. She dates a guy for a week and then when things get semi serious, she dumps him. If she does that to my guy friend, he will be crushed and I don't want to see him hurt. Secondly, I have a feeling that if they do start dating, I will be the third wheel and it could become awkward for me to hang out with them together, especially since she makes a habit of ditching me for her boyfriends.

I told him how I feel but he freaked out on me and told me stay out of it. I don't know how to tell her not to hurt him or how to stop anything tragic from happening. Am I overreacting? I'm just worried about what the outcome could be. — Third Wheel Wendy

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You Asked: I'm Ready For a Ring!

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We are high school sweethearts and 24 years old. We both agreed that once we finished our master's degrees, we would get married. We graduated in May and while there has been talk about our engagement, there's been no ring! Recently, our good friends who have been together almost as long as we have announced their engagement. Even though I am happy for them, part of me is really angry, jealous, and upset. Seven years is an extremely long time to be with someone, and I am ready to take the next step. As I said, we have communicated about marriage and I know it's what he wants too, but I am feeling more and more frustrated that he hasn't asked me yet. He is caring and kind and I know he loves me, so I don't know if I should say something to him, or wait a little longer, in hopes that he is planning a special engagement. What should I do? — Ready For a Ring Rachel

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Sisters Are Unsupportive

DearSugar — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Feeling Alone Faith need your help. She's planning her dream wedding, and her sisters are too jealous to support her. She's feeling terribly alone during this happy time in her life and doesn't know how to make things better. Do you have any tips for her?
Dear Sugar,

I'm having a destination wedding soon, and while I'm extremely excited, I'm also upset and let down. To make a long story short, I have two very jealous, very self-centered sisters. My one sister thinks that the sun rises and falls with her, and she is a self-proclaimed "princess." My other sister is jealous too and I've never trusted her.

I helped both of my sisters immensely during their wedding planning, but now that it's my turn, they can't be bothered. They've even decided not to come. Instead of supporting me, all they do is sit around and talk badly about me. Sometimes my mother calls and tells me the hurtful things they are saying and it breaks my heart. For the first time in my life I'm in a good relationship and am incredibly happy, but they are too begrudging to be a part of it. I am a single mom who has struggled my entire life up until meeting my fiance, and it seems like the better I do personally, the less family support I have.

I don't want their behavior to overshadow my special day, so how do I deal with my sisters who feel too threatened to come to my wedding? And, what type of relationship should I expect to have with them after the wedding? My friends say I should be happy they are not coming, but they are my family and I'm incredibly hurt. — Feeling Alone Faith

Source

Handle This: Your Friend Surpasses You

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few months ago, you and a girlfriend decided to finally lose some weight that you've both been complaining about. Since you were both looking to lose pounds within the same range and starting at the same physical activity level, doing it together seems like a great idea.

But now she’s completely surpassed you weight-loss wise, and she's looking amazing. She remains a diligent and motivating partner, but the problem is that every time you guys work out or go to dinner together, you just end up wondering what’s wrong with you. You’re starting to feel more and more jealous and down on yourself so how do you handle this?

Source

You Asked: I Refuse to Accept That We're Over

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I met a guy who quickly became my best friend; in fact, he was really the best thing that ever happened to me. In the beginning we were just inseparable, great friends. But months later, I realized I was in love with him. Soon after, he admitted that he loved me, too, and we started dating. It was amazing at first, but within a few months we started fighting a lot. We eventually broke up, but stayed really good friends. We tried getting back together but it didn't work, and we ended up down the same road.

Finally, we stopped talking for about six months, until one night he called me and said that he just wanted us to be friends again. So we started talking, and within a month he was talking about a girl he'd met. I tried to be casual about it, but every time he mentioned her I felt extremely jealous. It wasn't before long that I figured out that there was something really special between them. After talking about how strong his feelings for her are I finally snapped, and threatened to never speak to him again. He was upset by my outburst, and we haven't talked since.

I only lashed out at him for attention, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I wish I had just dealt with it because now I can't let go of him. I love him, and I have to do everything in my power to get him back. I need him in my life. But he wants nothing to do with me, and is crazy about this other girl. What should I do now?

— Needy Naila

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You Asked: Is She a Bad Bridesmaid or Am I a Bridezilla?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm getting married in a few months, and I asked my four closest girl friends to be my bridesmaids. Three of the girls have been amazing, but I've been having a lot of issues with the last girl. They were kind enough to throw me a lovely bachelorette party, but they had a hard time settling on the date because the girl in question was always "busy." They finally settled on a date that worked for her, and then three weeks before the party, she called to tell me that she couldn't make it because she decided to take a vacation instead. I feel extremely hurt because I knew the other girls bent over backwards to accommodate her because we all felt it was important for her to attend since she was a bridesmaid. Am I wrong to be hurt that she would miss my bachelorette party so she could go on a vacation instead? — Peeved Penelope

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You Asked: Who Should I Be With?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I dated this guy several years ago. We always had amazing chemistry. We've known each other for almost 15 years, but he wasn't mature enough to handle a monogamous relationship when we dated, and he cheated repeatedly until we finally split up. After the breakup, I began seeing another man who, on paper, is a perfect catch — intelligent, sweet and funny — but we never quite clicked, and he never made me feel like my ex did. Regardless, we ended up getting married several years ago, but my ex has always been in my heart. He got married as well (to the woman he cheated with), but it didn't last and they are now divorced.

After his marriage ended, he walked back into my life. My husband and I had been having some problems for about two years, and when we saw each other again, we immediately clicked. I felt like I hadn't felt in years — I found my passion again, I found my drive, and I was happy. He admitted how much he missed me and how he had always loved me. As wrong as it is, I felt giddy again, and we've been having an affair for the last three years.

Yesterday, he told me that he can no longer do this, and I'm devastated. Apparently he's having thoughts of other women and is scared that if he can cheat with a married woman, he will cheat on me again. I don't know what to do, what direction to go, or which way to turn. Please point me in the right direction. — In Turmoil Izzy

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You Asked: I Can't Accept My Boyfriend's Female Friend

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm so incredibly jealous of one of my boyfriend's female friends, and I want to know how I can stop feeling this way. I'm not worried my boyfriend would ever do anything inappropriate, I know he only has eyes for me, I just get really angry and hurt inside when I know they're hanging out. Due to the way my life is right now, I'm lucky if I get to spend an afternoon with my boyfriend once every two weeks! She, on the other hand, gets to see him whenever she wants, multiple times a week, on fun outings like dinners, late-night coffee runs, movies, concerts — all the things I wish I could do with him but can't for the next few months. I would never tell my boyfriend to stop seeing her because he is trustworthy and should be free to spend time with his friends but it's eating me up inside knowing that I can't be a part of those fun times, and she can. I know it's not the friend's fault and it's not my boyfriend's fault, but I still feel rejected, jealous, and lonely. How can I make myself feel better about how bad this situation is? — Left Out Lani

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Do Tell: Have You Ever Been Jealous of a Friend's Engagement?

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

When you're in a relationship and ready to take that next step, waiting for him to get down on bended knee can feel like an eternity. But if a friend gets engaged before you, it can make the waiting game even more unbearable. I've never been in the engagement race before, and while I know it's not about who gets a ring first, I do know that jealousy can easily get the best of you. One would expect someone's first reaction to a friend's engagement to be that of excitement and joy, but if you're waiting in the wings for your time to shine that reaction could be resentment instead. Of course you can't help how you feel, so do tell, have you ever been secretly disappointed by your friend getting engaged before you?

Source

You Asked: I Can't Control My Jealousy

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and the only problem we have is me — I cannot control my jealousy. I take every look or stare he gives another woman as a demerit to myself, leaving me wondering why I'm not good enough. I know a look is just a look, but I can't help but take it personally. I end up silently holding a grudge until he makes me upset about something unrelated, then I bring it up again. I know I am being stupid and ridiculous, not to mention causing problems in my relationship, but I don't know how to be all right with it. He used to be the one in my shoes, driving me crazy and getting mad over the smallest glance that I'd give to someone else, yet he doesn't seem to understand how I feel. Please tell me how to pull myself together. — Overprotective Onnalee

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Stop Talking About His Ex

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been on and off with this guy for more than a year now, but the last six months we've been in a steady relationship. About a month ago he told me he loved me. He's only been in a committed relationship once before, which was about two years ago. The story of how they broke up is not exactly clear, but I know she cheated on him and broke his heart. He tried many times to win her back, but she wanted nothing to do with him, and is currently in a new relationship.

The problem is he talks about her all the time. At first I was very understanding, but now it's getting annoying. Within the first three months we were dating, I asked him if he was over her and he said that he was trying. Not long ago, I asked him again. He said, "I am. Before I wasn't sure, but now it's clear; I'm over her." And yet, he continually talks about her. When I mention that it bothers me he stops for a while, and then he's back at it again. I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be with someone who wishes they were with the one who got away, and not me! Is it time for me to move on? Or can I make this work?

— Over Being Understanding Beth

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You Asked: Can I Move on From This Deception?

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. He is an amazing boyfriend; in fact, I've never dated a guy like this before. About six months into our relationship, his ex became a problem. She called him constantly, along with text messages and emails. I had no problem with it in the beginning, because she's never been a threat to me, until I found out that he hadn't even told her about me! Instead, he was telling her he missed her, and on a couple of occasions, he even saw her.

I honestly felt bad for this girl because it was clear that he was stringing both of us along — I knew it wasn't solely her fault. When I confronted him, he claimed that he was over her, but I've lost all trust. He is an amazing guy, but I feel like he's been withholding the truth about our relationship since day one. Can I overcome this? I've never been a jealous person and I don't want to turn into one now, but I have no idea how to conquer this problem. — Deceived Dianna

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You Asked: I Just Want a Better Life For Them

DearSugar — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am the first member of my family to attend and graduate from college. Even though I did it all on my own, I never brag about it. I have quite a few younger nieces and nephews, and I had hoped they would see that I was able to go to college and continue on to have a happy life, despite our family's low-income circumstances (among other things). Unfortunately, none of the four who are out of high school decided to pursue anything other than working a low-paying job close to home, and one got pregnant when she was 17. Of course I was disappointed, but I support the life they want to live and as long as they are happy.

However, I was quite surprised to hear my oldest niece say she actually resented my success! I guess, to her, every time she heard me say "Why don't you take a class for that?" she heard "My life is better than yours," which I did not intend at all! I simply wanted to show them that it is possible to get out of a rut. How should I politely go about suggesting college classes without seeming rude or condescending? Or should I not say anything at all? — Looking Out Lorena

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Handle This: His Ex Is a Model

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

In the time you’ve been dating your boyfriend, you’ve inevitably learned things about his past including a few details about his ex, like that she dumped him out of nowhere and completely broke his heart. He seems very nostalgic about their relationship, and you’ve always had a fear that he would take her back if he could.

While flipping through a magazine with him, he points out a picture of her in one of the ads; it turns out she’s a model, and she’s breathtakingly gorgeous, which he's quick to point out. You know he's with you now, but you're no model. How would you handle this?

Source

Is Thinness a Matter of Envy Among Friends?

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

In an article for July's issue of Marie Claire, Sarah Ivens, editor in chief of OK! magazine, chronicles her weight-loss journey's disappointing effect on many of her female friendships. After being told she was obese by a nutritionist, Ivens committed to changing her unhealthy ways, but found her friends didn't share her positive attitude. She writes:

When I fessed up to my diet plan after week one, I was surprised that, instead of offering kinship and support, a few women were upset with me. . . . My sudden decision to restrain myself at the dinning table reflected badly on their decision — or inability — not to . . . The jealousy was palpable — especially when, after four weeks of trimming fat, sugar, and useless calories, I'd lost 10 pounds.

Though jealousy among women is not uncommon, we don't expect to find it amidst friends. But as we know, the standards of contemporary society have led many women to experience deep anxieties about their bodies, and surely such insecurities breed jealousy even in the company of good friends. So tell me, have you ever encountered experiences similar to Sarah's in your own circle of friends? Have your friends' bodies or body images affected your own?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Stood Up for My Friend, But Now I'm the Bad Guy

DearSugar — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My roommate, who also happens to be one of my closest friends, has been with her current boyfriend for just over six months. They're serious, and she even plans on moving in with him when our lease ends. He's a decent guy, and I know he loves my friend — I've gotten to know him really well because he's always at our house. But every time they go out together and drink, he starts to act insanely jealous. They end up fighting, leaving early, and it always sends my roommate into a torrent of tears. Needless to say, I'm the one trying to calm them both down or comfort my friend at the end of the night. And since I'm often out with them, it regularly ruins my night too. Once he sobers up, her boyfriend always apologizes for his behavior and suddenly all is right again. I've talked to her about it before and she agrees that his actions are unacceptable, yet nothing changes. Last weekend they were going out with some mutual friends, and to avoid one of their scenes, I stayed home. Later that night, they came home in usual fighting mode and I just hit my limit. I decided to confront her boyfriend about his behavior. He heard me out, so I felt like things went well, but within a few days I could tell my roommate was upset with me. When I asked what was wrong, she said she was extremely angry that instead of talking to her I decided to make her boyfriend feel uncomfortable; she even said I was being selfish! I think I did the right thing. Should I be forgiven for standing up for my friend? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Stood Up for My Friend, But Now I'm the Bad Guy

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

You Asked: I'm So Paranoid

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for over a year. We have a sturdy relationship except that I'm very insecure about a particular ex of his. When we first got together, they were still friends and he flirted a little with her when he saw her. Since then, he's managed to practically tell me everything about her: how much she pays in rent, her car payment, and many other details that only someone very close to her would know. Every time we're out in public I can't help but notice that he constantly seems to be looking around as if he's waiting for her to walk in.

I used to not be so paranoid! What is wrong with me? This is driving me emotionally crazy. I can't talk to him about any of this because he tells me I'm acting totally irrationally. What can I do?

— Insecure Ingrid

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The How-To Lounge: Dealing With Others' Jealousy

DearSugar — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

True jealousy is never kind or understanding, which is why when you’re confronted with it, it's typically mean, bitter, and just plain hurtful. But looking past the anger, and finding ways to deal with someone else’s jealousy can be very productive. To see my tips on how to do just that,

This or That: Knowing He Cheated or Not Being Sure?

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:00:00 -0700

You’re not a jealous person, but your instincts tell you that something is up with your boyfriend of two years. After hearing mixed rumors from mutual friends, you decide to try and let it go — you don’t want to make a false assumption, and your boyfriend has always been extremely trustworthy. Would it be worse if…This: Just as things are normalizing, your boyfriend confesses to cheating on you in a one-night stand? He claims that it was a huge mistake and would do anything to take it back.Or…That: Months after, your gut still tells you something is wrong? When you confront him, he swears that there’s nothing to worry about. Rumors imply otherwise, but you don’t have any actual proof. Source

This or That: Knowing He Cheated or Not Being Sure?

This — He’s honest about his infidelity.

That — You can’t tell fact from fiction.

You Asked: I'm Being Taken For Granted

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm 23 years old and my boyfriend is 28 years old. We've been together for nearly two years, and we love each other very much. I just need some advice on how to approach things in our relationship now that the honeymoon phase is over. Recently I feel like I've been taken for granted. He used to be very affectionate and always on top of everything but now I feel like I'm the one doing the chasing. I've become very jealous because he doesn't give me the same attention that he used to.

We see each other every day, and I can't help but wonder if he's just sick of me. I've been nagging him about what's changed, and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to make things the way they used to be. I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Now I can't stop being jealous and asking for reassurance; it's only making things worse. I don't want to lose him. What can I do?

— Honeymoon Is Over Olivia

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You Asked: My Dream About Him Cheating Has Me Paranoid

DearSugar — Mon, 05 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a year now and things have been great. But a few months ago, I had a dream that he was cheating on me. Ever since I've kept getting these unfounded ideas in my head that he might be doing things that I don't approve of. Recently my paranoia turned into serious jealousy when I found out that there were going to be strippers at his soon-to-be brother-in-law's bachelor party.

I expressed my concern and he decided not to go even though his sister and brother-in-law were disappointed, and his parents told him that they thought I was being too controlling. Then recently, he made a joke to his brother about checking out other girls, but I still felt a little miffed and told him so — my dream kept echoing in the back of my head. He said that he would never act on it, but that he didn't think it was a big deal to notice a pretty girl.

I totally disagree with him, and find that kind of behavior very disrespectful of me and our relationship. Now he thinks that I'm overly jealous and that I don't trust him at all. I really don't want to be controlling and harsh, but I do want him to respect my feelings. I just can't get this dream out of my head! All of these issues never existed before, and now they won't go away. How can I control my jealousy and paranoia?

— Paranoid Dreamer Delia

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Handle This: Your Best Friend Flirts With Your Crush

DearSugar — Fri, 02 May 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Your friend has always been a little wild, but after a recent breakup with her long-term boyfriend, she’s gone totally boy crazy. Every time you go anywhere together, she finds the nearest guy and immediately starts to flirt with him in the most over-the-top way possible.

This alone is annoying enough, but you're disgusted when one night, while you're out with co-workers, she proceeds to lay the flirt on thick with the guy she knows you have feelings for. You understand that she’s just acting out some of her insecurities, but she’s breaking the friend code so how would you handle this?

Source

Dear Poll: Are You an Up/Down Girl?

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Women are critical of one another — that's not a new phenomena, but nor is it always the case! Sometimes when we check each other out, it can come off as judgmental and rude when we're really just doing it out of admiration. A friend once coined the term "up/downing" — when your eyes look over every part of her, from head to toe in one, quick glance. Of course, it's impolite, but I think we've all been guilty of doing it at least once! So ladies, whether you're just curious about what she's wearing or you like to people watch, what I want to know is, do you ever give the up/down? Source

Dear Poll: Are You an Up/Down Girl?

Yes, I do it all the time, I can't help it!

No, I think it's rude and tacky.

I do it, but very stealthily!

Sunday Confessional: I Hurt My Sister Out of Jealousy

DearSugar — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for just under three years now. It's been a difficult process to say the very least. The worst of it came about nine months ago when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I was so happy to be pregnant that the miscarriage was absolutely devastating. For weeks afterwards I was depressed and felt hopeless. During this time, my sister, who is a couple of years younger than me, broke the news that she was pregnant. The father of the baby had basically told her that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. She told me in a very gentle and respectful way, and initially, I tried not to get upset, but when she started to tell me how she was scared about having a baby and being a mother, I completely lost it. I turned on her, called her horrible names, said she would make a bad mother, and basically went out of my way to hurt her. She left my house in tears.Even though I knew I was being stubborn, I didn't make any efforts to apologize to her. Although it devastated my parents, I refused to speak to my sister or have anything to do with her unborn child. It took months of personal healing to realize that her pregnancy wasn't any kind of personal attack on me. I realized how selfish I had been and unkind. About a week ago, I tried to reach out to her and apologize — she's in her eighth month now — and she basically slammed the door in my face. Now, I don't know what to do. Should I be forgiven for my terrible behavior? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Hurt My Sister Out of Jealousy

Forgive?

Not Forgive?

Undecided — Please share

The Trouble With Short Men

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 09:00:11 -0700

Tired of jealous boyfriends? Well, according to an article in the health section of BBC News, the answer is easy: Start dating taller men. Recent research reports that taller men are less jealous than their shorter counterparts. The article explains:

. . . taller men may be less jealous because male height is associated with attractiveness, dominance and reproductive success.

The article also notes that height is one of the first characteristics others notice, often leaving shorter men to be, well, overlooked. It's truly no wonder shorter men are more jealous; like beautiful women, taller men just seem to have it easier. This is none too surprising to me; I happen to have entire group of friends who consider a lack of inches in a man's height to be the ultimate dealbreaker. Jealousy aside, do you judge a man based on his height?

Source

Dear Poll: Do You Like a Little Jealousy?

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 13:00:00 -0800

At dinner the other night, a single male friend asked me if I thought girls liked their men to be a little jealous, and I didn't know what to tell him. Obviously no one wants a boyfriend who's controlling and paranoid, but there are girls who complain that their boyfriends aren't jealous enough. We don't want to be taken for granted, but it seems like a little jealousy can easily turn into too much jealousy. Obviously I'm completely torn on this one, so I need your opinion. Is a little jealousy a good thing?Source

Dear Poll: Do You Like a Little Jealousy?

Yes — It lets me know that he feels lucky to be with me.

No — Jealousy of any kind usually means trouble.

Undecided — Please share

You Asked: How Can I Stop Sabotaging My Relationship?

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I need your help. I am sabotaging my own relationship and I can't seem to stop. I am very much in love and for the most part, we have a wonderful relationship — we get along great, we laugh, our interests are the same, we want the same things for our future, etc. The only problem is I'm extremely jealous. I get myself so upset over the possibility of him with another girl, even if they are just friends and I feel like such a hypocrite because I have many male friends. I want so badly to be confident in our relationship, but instead I doubt him and accuse him and push him away. I just don't know what to do or where to turn and I am even getting on my own nerves! Why can't I change this mindset? Why can't I believe in what we have rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop? It's a miserable way to live so please tell me what I can do to change my way of thinking. — Paranoid Paulina

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You Asked: Why Doesn't He Trust Me?

DearSugar — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 07:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for two years and despite never cheating on him, he still doubts the things I tell him. He questions where I've been and pulls me closer whenever he feels intimidated by another guy. He says he has been cheated on by other girls in the past, but that was years ago and I feel like I'm paying for their mistakes! How can I get him to understand that I am loyal? Just telling him that I love him isn't working. — Fed up Fionna

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You Asked: Do I Have a Right to Be Annoyed?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I treated our son and daughter-in-law to a five day vacation in Las Vegas for our son's 30th birthday. They had a great time and look forward to going back. They brought back token gifts for their friends and co-workers but nothing back for my husband and I!

Since we go to Vegas once a year, my daughter-in-law felt that it was pointless to bring us anything but invited to take us out for dinner instead. Am I wrong to feel disappointed? I know I sound shallow but I really feel a little something would have been a nice gesture. Please share your thoughts with me before I drive myself crazy! — Jealous Jannie

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Do Tell: What Do You Envy About Your Mate?

DearSugar — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 07:00:00 -0800

Does your boyfriend have amazing hair, does he always beat you at Trivial Pursuit or does he lose weight without even trying? If so, I would hate him too! Sometimes men just have it so much easier than women, so ladies, do tell, what qualities do you envy about your partner?

Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Let a Man Get Between a Friendship?

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:00:00 -0700

We all know that three's a crowd, but what about when it comes to your best friend and your boyfriend? Some people have a hard time juggling both, which in turn, leaves one person jealous and hurt, and that person is typically the friend. Then there's the situation when the friend doesn't like the boyfriend and she isn't afraid to voice her opinion, which is another sure-fire way to damage a friendship. So ladies, while these scenarios are never ideal, they do happen so what I want to know is, have you ever let a man get between one of your friendships? Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Let a Man Get Between a Friendship?

Yes: I lost my best friend over a guy and it was the worst mistake I ever made.

Yes: I lost my best friend over a guy and it turned out to be worth it in the long run.

No: My friendships mean way too much to me to let any man get between us.

I lost a friend temporarily, but after I broke up with my boyfriend, we mended our friendship as good friends always do.

Other - Please share!

You Asked: Why Does He Never Get Jealous?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. We have been dating almost five months now, and he has lived in California the entire time. We met a week before he left and he swept me off my feet. He has already come to see me three times since he has moved and he dedicates all his free time to me. But something just seems to be missing.

I party all the time and he never cares. Guys have slept in my bed (crashing after going out), and he doesn't even flinch. All my friends are guys and it doesn't bother him at all. If I put him on hold to talk to one of my friends here, he doesn't care. I can go to the club and he totally doesn't care. He says that when you like someone you should trust them. But I just feel like I can't get a rise out of him regardless of what I do. I feel like he has no heart. He always tells me how much he likes me and I know he never treats me bad in anyway but I still feel like I need some emotion from him. I want him to need me. I always fight with him over this whole situation, but we never see eye to eye. Am I the wrong one in this situation?

I feel like I have the most amazing guy in the world and I'm still not happy. I feel like there's something missing, and maybe it's his heart. Does he not truly care about me because he never gets mad. I just feel crazy. Any advice? — Pushing His Buttons Becky

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You Asked: Is He Over His Past?

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend now for three months. Things seem wonderful and great but there is one problem — I get really uncomfortable and, yes, jealous when he talks about any past relationships he has been in. In particular one he had that lasted two years.

I have told him that I don't like when he discusses things about her, but it seems that she's still coming up in conversations. It didn't bother me that much in the beginning, but now it is like an infected wound that will not heal. To top things off he works with her and has even admitted to having a dream where he cheated on me with her. Please help me! — Sick of Hearing About it Sally

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How Do You Feel About Your Boyfriend Having Female Friends?

DearSugar — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Jealousy can be a huge issue in a relationship, especially if you have had troubles in the past with cheating boyfriends or if you have low self-esteem.

I feel that if a relationship is solid, open, and strong, that you should feel confident that neither person would cheat which is why I think it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex - that's if your partner doesn't mind!

What do you think? Are you OK with your guy having female friends? Does it depend who the girls are? Are you cool with them talking on the phone? Emailing? Getting a drink together? Or do you believe that guys and girls can't be friends?

Source

You Asked: Why Does he Still Have her Things?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I am 27 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. Before me, he went out with a girl for a year and a half. He recently moved into a new apartment, but before he moved, I would constantly find her clothes hidden around the house. I know he didn't know that they were there but it still really hurt. To make matters worse, I found that he has kept a birthday gift from her and keeps it hidden in a drawer. Also, I know they talk sporadically and he keeps whatever correspondence he has with her a total secret. Basically, I feel like he is protecting their relationship from me.

He knows I get very jealous but I think he feeds off feeling wanted. Am I overreacting by feeling that he should throw out the birthday gift and not talk to her anymore? Or at least not keep everything about her a secret? -- Jealous Jessie

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You Asked: Why Does he Turn to her First?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

While some may think that it's wonderful that my boyfriend is so close with his sister, it's definitely hindering our ability to get closer. I almost expressed my frustration yesterday, but knew if I did, it would end badly. For instance, I knew he had a terrible day yesterday, so after dinner, when we were relaxed, I asked him about his day. He had very little to say about it - just sort of skimmed over it, but when I shared my advice about one of his problems, he responded by saying that his sister also said the same thing. I was rather irritated because I suspected he'd already purged himself with her before he arrived at my place and this was not the first time this had happened.

I will rarely get the details of what's going on with him first because he discusses everything with his sister before anyone else. They talk every day (sometimes twice or more), and she's his best friend and confidante and she knows everything that goes on in his life.

I want to respect their relationship but I want him to respect ours as well. So how do I broach this very delicate subject? How do I advise him that while I like his sister and respect their close relationship, that it makes me feel unimportant, not valued, and it doesn't improve our ability to become more intimate and close if he's sharing all of his highs and lows with her. I don't want to be a nag, but I'm getting a bit frustrated with getting just the crumbs. HELP! -- Jealous Jannie

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Overcoming Jealousy

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 11:00:00 -0700

We've all been there. That angry, envious, kind of sad and resentful feeling that builds up inside us when we see our boyfriend talking to his gorgeous new neighbor. Or if a co-worker gets the promotion you should have gotten. Jealously is a horrible feeling, and it can turn us into mean and obnoxious people. Even though these feelings are normal and sometimes unavoidable, we can end up doing or saying something we regret later.

Being jealous is not an attractive personality trait, and it has a lot to do with our own insecurities about how confident we feel about ourselves, our abilities, or our relationships. Here are some tips on overcoming jealousy:

If you are feeling jealous, and it has to do with a friend or boyfriend giving someone else attention, talk to them about it. Many times people are unaware of how their actions make others feel, so being honest is always a safe road to travel.
Lack of trust may be causing you to have jealous feelings. If your boyfriend goes out without you and you're worried about other girls or that he may not make all the right decisions, your jealousy is only a symptom. Take those feelings as signs that it's time to get to the root of these fears.

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You Asked: Can Guys and Girls be Friends?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We live about 3 hours away from each other. His best friend is a girl. They've been best friends since 8th grade and dated for a little while once in high school. She goes to school in Alabama so he hasn't seen her in a few years. She recently came back home because she broke up with her fiance.

My boyfriend has been spending a lot of one on one time with her since she has been back since most of her friends are still living in Alabama. She knows about me, but we've never met. While I trust him completely, I don't trust her. I have told my boyfriend that I'm not comfortable with him hanging out with her all the time he completely understands and reassured me I have nothing to worry about, but I know how women can be. If she wants him she's going to try until she gets it. I feel like a bitch for asking him not to see her again without me because she's been his best friend for so long and she is going through a hard time, but I just have a bad feeling about this girl. --Powerless Paula

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You Asked: Her Jealousy vs His Privacy

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 12:30:00 -0800

DearSugar --

I have the problem that my girlfriend cannot refrain from snooping through my computer, and more importantly, through my internet browser history. She is incredibly devious about it, and given half the chance - ie, my pc is on and left unlocked and unattended, she will jump at the chance to see if I've been "looking at porn".

Just yesterday I was looking for software and drivers for her cellphone. It took me to a 'warez' site, which as most people know tend have some adult content on them. Most people will also know that these such sites bring up several popup windows advertising almost exclusively porn and gambling sites. I do not know whether I clicked a banner accidentally or if it was the popup itself but somehow I had three porn sites added to my history - (which I never check but you-know-who does).

So this morning I open up google and I'm about to search for something and the previous searches that have been entered come up, clearly from my g/f. The first one I saw was "My boyfriend looks at porn" and others along the same lines. I check the history, and clearly she had dredged up those ad sites and then gone onto google to search for some sort of advice.

So now rather confront me about it and ask me straight out, she has been distant and difficult and now I know why. I can't even begin to try and explain about pop-ups and how these things happen without her saying "uh-huh, sure", and to be honest I don't see why I should have to in the first place. This is a direct result of her being unable to respect my privacy - she was snooping through my computer and found things that would make her unhappy, but through no fault of mine.

I'm a big boy and I can't help feeling where I go and what I look at is my business and nobody else's - not even hers. I take it a chronic breach of trust that I cannot leave my pc unattended without her having to check up on me all the time. The current status? We're not talking about it. But I know that as soon as I go shopping later she will go through my history again and more than likely read this letter.

I can't go on like this. Please please, any help or advice would be welcome. I love her lots but I cannot handle the duplicity and deceit any longer. -- Suspected Steve

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You Asked: Should I Be Worried About His Dance Partners?

DearSugar — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 09:01:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a relationship for 9 months with a man I feel is the love of my life. He is 51 and I am 42. He has been divorced for 7 years, me for only 1 year. We were good friends before I was divorced, nothing more, although the attraction was there. My marriage was in the toilet.

The problem has been that he has a lot of female friends. Almost zero guy friends. He has had 7 intimate relationships in 7 years. He is still friends with some of these women. I came into a situation where he is still seeing some of them socially. Most of these women are dancers, he goes to dance every week.

The problem is, he is in Boston, I am in Atlanta. When he goes to dance class, he usually stays and parties with all of his friends. It makes me jealous. He has never given me any reason to not trust him, but there are two women in particular, one who he has admitted he has been attracted to
in the past and one who could not move on from their prior relationship. The first I feel is my friend as well, the second refuses to meet me. So, when he goes to class, these women are generally there. It makes me insane that he is dancing and partying with them.

Am I overreacting? I used to feel much more insecure than I do now, but being in an LDR (long distance relationship) has added definite challenges to the situation. We are talking engagement and marriage. I am so in love and he calls me five times a day saying the same thing. -- Nervous Naomi

Advice? --

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Oscar Envy: Dealing With the Green-Eyed Monster

DearSugar — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0800

Since the first Academy Awards presentation in 1929, the list of those performers who have won an Oscar remains tiny compared with the long list of those nominees who didn't win or those who weren't even nominated for important performances. Of the twenty performers nominated this year, only Streep, Dench and Blanchett have won an Oscar. And 10 of the twenty nominees have been up before, including those 3 women.

Film is a notoriously ruthless and competitive field, and making it in Hollywood can be both a personal and professional gauntlet. Contacts, ambition, chops, looks and talent don't guarantee anything. Stars appear, endure, fade or flame out every day. Still, success in any field often demands intense effort fueled by passion, desire, ambition and competition. Despite many worthwhile accomplishments, it's still true that not everyone can or will achieve the success they dreamed of, which means disappointment and envy will be our companions at some point along the way.

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Believe I Was a Virgin

DearSugar — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 17:00:00 -0800

DearSugar --

My boyfriend gets intensely jealous at times over guys I've liked (not dated) previously. Before dating him, I had been a virgin, and now, about a year afterwards, he claims that I've lied to him. I've asked him to talk to my closest girl friends and told them to tell him EVERYTHING they know about my past, in addition to telling him myself. I even showed him my private journals. Despite the confirmation, he still goes back and forth between believing me. He gets really angry and keeps insisting that I tell him the truth, when he can't accept the truth. He wants me to tell him lies that he wants to hear, and it makes me feel so cheap. I am out of ways to try to convince him. What should I do?! -- Honest Alice

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