DearSugar -- Just ask.

You Asked: My Boyfriend's Friend Won't Leave Me Alone

DearSugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has a good friend who is a very nice guy, but when he drinks, he gets very touchy feely and kind of creepy. Lately he seems to be directing more of his bad behavior towards me, which is making me very uncomfortable. One night my boyfriend, his friend, and I were at a club and I was standing off to the side. My boyfriend was still on the dance floor when his friend came up to me and put his hand just under my breasts and made a gross comment about how lucky my boyfriend is to have me. I told my boyfriend, but he brushed it off, blaming the alcohol.

But the next time we were around his friend, he started acting inappropriate towards me again. This time my boyfriend took note. He asked his friend about what happened at the club, and he claimed he didn't remember it. But the final straw came the next time we were out and he had been drinking. This time he came up to apologize for how he acted, but all he did was try to grope me again. I got away from him as quickly as possible, but now my boyfriend and I are trying to figure out how to deal with this.

We know that he is completely harmless and would never do anything, but at the same time his behavior freaks me out. Normally I would tell him off, but he's my boyfriend's very good friend, and is also friends with the rest of the group. It's just a very awkward situation that I don't want to make worse. We don't want to completely offend or embarrass him, so we're looking for some advice on how to handle this situation delicately.

— Violated Viv

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: My Boyfriend Is Inexperienced

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. He had never been with a girl before me, and as a result of his lack of experience, he's never given me an orgasm. Since he's inexperienced, I don't think he realizes just how much effort it takes to help a woman climax. After a year of never saying anything, I think he assumes it's OK with me. Unfortunately, it really does matter to me.

Lately I'm feeling resentful that he orgasms every time we're together and I never have. He only spends a few minutes on me and doesn't realize how unsatisfied that leaves me. I don't want to bring it up because I feel like it's too much to ask from him to spend twice as long making me feel good (even though I do it for him all the time). I guess I want him to want me to orgasm, not just because I asked for it. Otherwise I feel like I'm making an unreasonable demand.

At the same time, I know that I'm being childish and immature by remaining silent about what's really bothering me and then blaming him for not doing anything about it. So how do I talk to him about this without hurting him, and how do I get over my own issues with asking?

— Sexual Dissatisfied Diana

To see DearSugar's answer,

Handle This: He's More Interested in Porn

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In the past few months your sex life has all but dried up. You’re always trying to initiate things, and you’ve even gone so far as to buy sexy new lingerie, but nothing seems to get your boyfriend interested. When you ask him about it, he says he’s sleep deprived and stressed out.

One night you wake up and realize he’s no longer in bed. Following sounds coming from the living room, you peek in to find him masturbating to porn on his computer, when you haven't had sex in a month! How would you handle this?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Lied to My Boyfriend to Protect My Friend

DearSugar — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Three years ago I met my boyfriend through my best friend's boyfriend, and the four of us have been a great group. But recently, they've been having some problems, so she and I have been logging in some girl time. A few weeks ago we went out for drinks and met some guys. They did their best to hit on us, and I politely shooed them away, but not before my friend started flirting with one. She had been drinking so I dragged her home and didn't think much of it. Last weekend we went out again and I was shocked when she told me that the guy she had been flirting with was coming to meet us. I was angry, and told her I resented her for putting me in that position. I stormed out of the bar, but decided I'd wait a few minutes outside to see if she followed. When she didn't, I went back in to tell her I was leaving, only to find her making out with him. I pleaded with her to come with me, but she wouldn't listen so left alone. The next day I talked to her and she claimed that she realized she had made a mistake, but needed time to sort things out before telling her boyfriend. But apparently the guys talked about how we got home at different times that night because my boyfriend confronted me, asking what happened. I knew that if I told him the truth he would feel obligated to tell his friend, so I told him that we got in a fight and she ended up hanging out with another girl friend of ours. It took some convincing, but he believed me. Now I feel completely awful. Even if it was to help my friend, I've never lied directly to my boyfriend before. If it all comes out, I know he'll be hurt. Do you think this is something I can be forgiven for? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Lied to My Boyfriend to Protect My Friend

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

You Asked: How Long Should I Wait for Him?

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I wasn't looking for love, but it found me, and I've now been dating my boyfriend for five months. We've been so happy and spend every moment together, but out of the blue, he asked me for some time to think — he doesn't even want us to see each other. I asked him if he wanted to break up or see other people, and he said no. He thinks that because of how much we talk and how far we've come in just five months that I am somehow too dependent on him. What does this mean? How much time should I give him before I move on?

— When to Pull the Plug Pauline

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: What Does He Mean by "Break"?

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five and half years. We've dated since high school and throughout college, but have also had some rough periods. This Summer he got accepted into a four-year pharmacy program in another city. Before he left, he dropped a bomb on me: He wanted to breakup. I was heartbroken but we talked before his move and he told me he always saw his future with me but wasn't sure if his feelings were strong enough presently to do long distance for the next eight months.

We decided to keep things open, but he's created an entirely new life and even though we talk every day, he says he feels single and he likes it. Still, he maintains that he wants to be with me eventually. His proposed solution was that we take a "break" until Christmas, when he will be home next, in hopes that he will realize that he wants to be with me 100 percent. He said that it would mean we would talk less and be able to see other people, which he said he had no intentions of doing.

I agreed on this break hoping that it would bring us together in the end. We decided to write a list of guidelines during this period in order to make the break work. When I mentioned to him one guideline I had — no fooling around with other people (going on dates was acceptable) — he became hesitant. I don't think that messing around with other people will solve our issues. So all this leads me to wonder exactly what he means by "break." Does he want to be single for now but knows that he will have me in the end? My definition of a break was to reassess our relationship and figure out if we want to be together in the future. I don't want to end up getting hurt in the end. Please help!

— Uncertain Ciara

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: He's Sending Mixed Signals

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me about a month ago. Before the breakup things were great; we were having a wonderful Summer. We talked of being together forever and we were so in love, but he had other things going on in his life. He didn't get into the school he wanted and is now taking a year off to work. It's a hard issue for him; I think he feels like a failure. But when he's home, all he does is play video games and he only works three days a week.

I do love him and he's very important to me, but it seems like he ended things just so he could avoid commitment. He said he doesn't love me the same way anymore but wants to remain friends, although his behavior has shown nothing like that. Recently I decided to stop contact with him, and I noticed that his phone calls started coming in more frequently. When we do see each other, which is rare, he tries to flirt with me. I'm sick of him calling me all the time and acting as if we're together when we're not. I've tried to talk to him and set boundaries, but so far all he's done is try to surpass them. My question is what else can I do to get the point across? How can I help him realize that he needs to be more responsible? How can I communicate these things and ultimately help him find his way?

— Over It Ilea

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: Should I Wait and See if He Changes His Mind?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Back in July my boyfriend confessed that he lied to me about being a virgin — he had actually been with six girls before me. He was my first and it hurt terribly that someone I loved would lie to my for a year and half. I forgave him because I loved him and he genuinely was sorry; the guilt was eating away at him. In the end, he asked for a break and I was devastated. Apparently he had to work out some issues regarding his family and his job. I asked him specifically what a break meant, and he said he just wanted a month without contact.

I haven't seen him for about three weeks. We've both been incredibly busy, but I'm willing to make time and he's not. I asked to spend a day with him and he finally said OK. He blew me off and I waited around like an idiot. I called and left an angry voicemail and instead of calling me back, he proceeded to email me the next day only to go on about a blow-out fight he had with his parents. I replied back that instead of shutting me out he needs to open up to me. He is miserable and seems depressed. He says that he loves me but everything is too crazy right now for him to be in a relationship.

I just don't know where to go from here. I love him and I want to be together, but he can't seem to make the time for me. I know that what we have isn't a real relationship right now so is it over or should I sit tight and see what happens? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop thinking about all of it.

— I'm a Basket Case Bryn

To see DearSugar's answer,

Handle This: You Don't See Eye-to-Eye on Abortion

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Now that you’ve started having sex with your new boyfriend, some serious issues have come up including getting tested for STIs and the potential risk of pregnancy. You have no idea what you would do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy; however, you’re adamant that you’ll have a choice when and if the time comes. Your boyfriend on the other hand is vehemently against abortion, and though he acknowledges that it’s not his body that’s affected, he says that it's still part of him. You’re at a standstill so how do you handle this?

Source

You Asked: My Parents Hate My Boyfriend

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

For the past two years, I've been dating a 28-year-old man who has two kids; I'm 22. Things have been difficult from the start because my parents, who love me dearly, do not approve of my boyfriend. They want me to graduate from college, get a job, and have an amazing future. To them, that also means finding a different man to be with; they are not OK with the fact that he never went to college and has two children.

Things eventually got so bad that I moved out of their house and went to live with my boyfriend. Now I have a lot of feelings of guilt in regards to my parents. Before I moved out they were paying for college, my car, and things like books and gas. I'm an excellent student, but I decided to take this semester off because I am so exhausted. My parents are adamant that I go back to school, but they said they are not willing to help me financially unless I break up with my boyfriend and move back home.

Needless to say, my parents are something my boyfriend and I argue about. One time during a bad argument, he called my dad and started swearing at him on the phone. Since then my dad has told me that he'll never accept my boyfriend. My mom is also worried, and she's lost a lot of weight. I'm so torn; I don't know what to do. Please help!

— Disapproved of Deena

To see DearSugar's answer,

Handle This: Your Boyfriend Is a Financial Wreck

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Your boyfriend has been completely down on his luck for the past year; he had a car accident which resulted in medical bills, as well as issues with his student loans, and he has absolutely no financial help from his parents. He makes a decent salary, but he’s just not good at managing his finances.

You’ve always been willing to help with the small things, like paying for dinner and a tank of gas, but now he’s come to you and says he needs a grand to pay for his rent. You have the money, so how do you handle this?

Source

You Asked: How Can I Know if He's Cheating?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and two months. He's a wonderful man, but I've been noticing some strange things that lead me to believe that he might be cheating on me. For example, he doesn't want me to see his phone, and before he used to have a picture of me on his phone wallpaper, but suddenly he has a picture of himself instead.

Just yesterday we were at the beach having a great time when he decided to check his voicemail. I was close enough that I could hear the messages, which were clearly left by another woman — he just smiled while he listened. I have no problem with him having female friends, but what was particularly off-putting was that when he was done listening, he said, "It was the guys." I've known my boyfriend long enough to have built a wall of trust between us, but all these little things lead me to think that maybe he might be cheating. He says he loves me very much, but I'm starting to doubt him. Does this mean that he is cheating on me or will be soon?

— Doubting Darla

To see DearSugar's answer,

Handle This: He's Out Almost All Night

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Since your boyfriend is heading out for a night with a buddy, you decide to take advantage of having your shared apartment to yourself, assuming he won’t be home until 2 a.m. But when you wake up at a half past three and there’s still no sign of him, you’re concerned and call his cell phone. When he doesn't answer, you start to become a mix of worried and annoyed.

He rolls in just after four, and you’re still awake waiting for him. When you confront him about staying out so late, he starts getting defensive, and claims he shouldn’t have a “curfew.” His response just made you more angry, so how would you handle this?

Source

Handle This: He Admits to Having a Crush on Another Girl

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

You and your boyfriend have always valued honesty above all else, so when he starts acting somewhat distant, you’re quick to inquire as to what’s going on. At first he shrugs and says it’s nothing, but after a few more weeks of the same behavior, you’re concerned.

When you ask him to confide in you, he reluctantly reveals that he has a crush on another girl. He didn’t want to tell you because he knew it would pass eventually, but he’s had her on his mind. How would you handle this?

Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Ratted a Guy Out to His Mom?

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Even if a guy isn’t the quintessential mama’s boy, most men with strong ties to their family still have a lot of respect for their moms. In fact, sometimes she’s the only one who can knock some sense into him. My friend recently took this notion to heart when she called her boyfriend’s mom to complain that he wasn’t doing his fair share around the house — of course she subtly dropped that tidbit into a larger conversation, but it did the trick! Have you ever shared a grievance with a guy’s mom to get him to shape up? Source

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Ratted a Guy Out to His Mom?

Yes. You gotta do what you gotta do!

No way, I’d never do this.

I haven't, but I would.

Other — I'll explain.

You Asked: He's Too Sarcastic

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating a great guy for five years now, but often I am annoyed by his sarcastic, hostile, and almost snobbish attitude. Sometimes it just seems like he can't be nice or get along with anyone — he's even mean to his friends. I love him very much, and he says that he loves me, too, but I'm not sure I can handle this anymore. We've been through so much together, but lately things are getting too hard.

My family doesn't trust him, and ever since I got into a spat with his brother whom he lives with, conversations with his family have been very strained. I feel uncomfortable when I'm at his parents' house, and I can tell they now have some animosity towards me. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about all of these issues, but he doesn't like to discuss them so instead he ignores me, and they get worse. In fact, he can't have a real adult conversation without getting angry and being childish. Am I just completely stuck? What do I do?

— Sick of His Attitude Alice

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: He Doesn't Have Boundaries

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of three years supervises around 25 women. About eight months ago, we were out of town and he received a text message, which I picked up since he wasn't around. It was a very sexual joke from one of his employees, whom I already have issues with since she's constantly telling my boyfriend how she wants to leave her husband, which I find totally inappropriate.

I didn't say anything, but I checked his phone bills later and found that for the past year, he's been texting her 20 to 30 times a month! I confronted him and he assured me that they were all work related — even though some were in the middle of the night. I knew he was lying so I kept pressing him and went so far as to tell him that I had requested the transcripts from our provider. He went nuts, but admitted they were sexual jokes and comments. I was devastated. She's married; he's her supervisor and he was deleting them from his phone so that I wouldn't see them.

I told him to stop or I was leaving him. He told her that she could only contact him via cell if it were work related — there are office and lab phones and he has voicemail so there's no need to use the cell at all. She stopped contact for eight months, until finally she started up again. My boyfriend won't say anything else to her; she is very manipulative. I'm concerned they're going to fall back into the same pattern. We've talked about getting married, but honestly I don't think I want to continue with this man if he won't put up boundaries that make me feel safe. Am I wrong to feel this way?

— In Need of Boundaries Beth

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Stop Talking About His Ex

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been on and off with this guy for more than a year now, but the last six months we've been in a steady relationship. About a month ago he told me he loved me. He's only been in a committed relationship once before, which was about two years ago. The story of how they broke up is not exactly clear, but I know she cheated on him and broke his heart. He tried many times to win her back, but she wanted nothing to do with him, and is currently in a new relationship.

The problem is he talks about her all the time. At first I was very understanding, but now it's getting annoying. Within the first three months we were dating, I asked him if he was over her and he said that he was trying. Not long ago, I asked him again. He said, "I am. Before I wasn't sure, but now it's clear; I'm over her." And yet, he continually talks about her. When I mention that it bothers me he stops for a while, and then he's back at it again. I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be with someone who wishes they were with the one who got away, and not me! Is it time for me to move on? Or can I make this work?

— Over Being Understanding Beth

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: How Do I Listen to My Instincts?

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

For some time now, my instincts have been telling me to break up with my boyfriend of one year. For the most part I've been happy, but a couple of months ago it seemed like something changed. And while I'm not sure if he's become different, or if I'm just not willing to tolerate certain things anymore — he can be very harsh and unkind — I know that something in my gut is telling me it's time to get away.

Every time I work up my courage to end things, he says something that convinces me I'm wrong and makes me feel incredibly guilty. He always promises to try harder and work on whatever it is that's hurting me but nothing ever changes. How do I fight through the guilt and break up once and for all?

— Calling It Quits Callie

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: How Do I Approach My Boyfriend About His Weight Gain?

DearSugar — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has gained about 15 pounds over the last year. He's mentioned it offhandedly on occasion, but doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. I haven't made a big deal out of it so far because I thought he'd lose it eventually, but now I'm not so sure and I'm worried. Today was the last straw when one of his guy friends told me he was looking a little tubby and I might want to suggest he hit the gym. If it were me, I wouldn't want anyone to tell me that I've gained weight, but at the same time, if I was aware that I had put on weight, I'd start doing something about it before it became noticeable. So should I mention my concerns to him as his girlfriend, to give him more motivation to lose, or should I keep my mouth shut?

— Unsure Sharon

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: My Boyfriend Has Inappropriate Female Friends

DearSugar — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have had a two-year relationship that is loving, exciting, and strong in all respects. My only concerns stem from the fact that he maintains contact with several females who he once had romantic relationships with. He sees them on occasion when he and his friends hang out — they're part of his group. They also phone and text him occasionally to say hi, and I'm not naive enough to believe he doesn’t initiate contact once in a while.

I’ve told him multiple times that his unwillingness to cut ties with these women makes me feel extremely insecure. He swears that they are just friends, he has no romantic feelings for them, and he broke up with them all for a reason. He tells me that he is an adult and should be allowed to have platonic friendships with the opposite sex as long as nothing inappropriate is going on. He also insists that I should trust him because he’s done nothing to make me do otherwise. This man is not my husband or fiancé, so I'm nearly ready to say that either these friendships go, or I go.

The fact that he is not changing something that causes me anxiety makes me wonder whether he values me and my feelings. I've felt this man was my soul mate and he’s shown me in many other ways that he loves and adores me, but is this issue enough to leave somebody over? It’s making me feel so insecure. Where do I go from here?

— Not So Friendly Nell

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: He Likes His Computer More Than Me

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend spends all day on the Internet. If I ask him a question while he's checking blogs, he dramatically takes off his headphones, presses pause on whatever music he's listening to, sighs and says "yes?" in a hostile tone. He checks all his favorite sites first thing in the morning, is on them when I get home from work, and is looking at them throughout the day. I think he feels that since we live together we're automatically spending "quality time together" by being in the same house even when we aren't interacting. Clearly, I feel differently, and his habits are driving me crazy.

Occasionally he makes jokes about being a bad boyfriend and ignoring me, but other than that we don't really discuss it. It's really starting to affect my self-confidence and our relationship. I just don't feel like a priority, and I'm coming in second to a computer screen! What can I do?

— Computer Woes Cassie

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: My Parents Won't Let Me Go

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm 21 years old and currently going into my last year of college. Before I was with my current boyfriend, I was in another long-term relationship, which ended when I went to college. My parents made my life miserable by pressuring me to break up with him, telling me that we weren't right together. It wasn't a bad relationship, and even though it didn't work out, I don't regret it.

Now it seems to be happening all over again. This Summer I decided to stay near school since I have a steady, full-time job. I'm renting a house with three close friends and my boyfriend of a year and a half. My family was disappointed that I didn't come home for the Summer but told me that if I could budget it, then they would support me. I love it here, and I'm very happy with the choice I made. My parents came up to visit this past weekend and when I asked if my boyfriend could come to dinner with us, my mom said no; she needed to talk to me about some red flags she sees.

They've only met him twice, and I don't think it's fair for them to judge him already. It seems that whenever I get into a serious relationship, instead of supporting me, they have to tell me that I'll ruin my dreams if I settle down too early. I'm happy to listen to their advice, but after that I feel like they need to support me. I know who I am and what I want, and I don't plan on sacrificing any of it for a guy, but that doesn't mean I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. How can I make them understand and support me?

— Unsupported Sienna

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: My Boyfriend Has a Different Definition of Cheating

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of three years has cheated twice during the time we've been together. Both incidents happened within six months of our relationship starting. The first time, we had been dating for two months when he decided to start hooking up with another girl. I had to find out through a mutual friend, and when I confronted him, he said that he didn't think we were "officially together." Apparently at that point he wasn't sure whether I was worth missing out on something else. Obviously he ended up breaking it off with her and committing to me. The second time, just a few months later, he admitted that he might have feelings for another girl. We broke up and he ended up hooking up with her but again, he came back to me.

I don't consider myself a bad girlfriend, and I haven't done anything to deserve being cheated on. It's now years later but I still become upset when remembering the past. My boyfriend continues to say that neither of those incidences constituted cheating. Sometimes I ask him to do something to make it up to me, but he refuses because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. Am I wrong to be upset? How else can I reach out to him to make him understand how I feel?

— Stuck in the Past Pareene

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: I'm Tired of Being His Maid

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and living together for the past two. From what he has told me, he grew up in a house that was a disaster, which became a way of life for him. There were dishes and clothes everywhere and dirt all over the house — nobody cared to clean and he grew comfortable with that.

I, on the other hand, come from a family of neat freaks. I grew up vacuuming and dusting nearly every single day. My mom was very strict about how we kept our bedrooms and as a young adult, I adopted some habits of my mother's compulsive cleanliness. I'm by no means as harsh as she was but I like the common areas of our apartment to be clean. I like when trash goes in the trash can, paperwork is on the table (not the floor), and food isn't spread all over the countertops.

My boyfriend and I have had numerous, calm discussions about keeping things clean and he's agreed to help, but that hasn't happened. I find myself frustrated to the point where I end up throwing a fit about his disgusting living habits. I am at the point where I'm about to move out. I'm tired of acting like a slave and feeling unappreciated for keeping things tidy. What should I do? I still want to live with him because I love him, but I'm tired of being the maid!

— Clean and Tidy Cate

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: My Sisters Hate My Boyfriend

DearSugar — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating this guy for some time now, and I'm in love. My sisters, however, don't seem to want him in my life. They loved him at first, but after a year and a half, they suddenly hate him. They make it impossible for me to be around them together, and it's gotten so bad that I don't even want to have him with me when I'm with them. We are very family oriented and I haven't been able to find a happy medium in dividing my time. I've told them that I appreciate their concern — they want me to focus on college and avoid all distractions — but I need them to stop making things harder on me.

He's been understanding, but now they're starting to get to him, too. I love him very much and so do my parents, but my two sisters are doing whatever they can to push him out of my life. They're both married, so I really don't understand why they're so set on messing with my love life. I can't help but be hurt and frustrated by what they do and say. How can I balance both without choosing a side?

— Torn in Two Taylor

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: Should I Try to Fall in Love With Him Again?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my current boyfriend for about four years. We have lived together for three, and until recently things have been great. He works full time and goes to school full time. He has always had about a month-long period before Summer break where he is completely stressed out. In the past, he would tell me he needs his space during that time because he is grouchy and irritable. Over the last few months, he has been this way again, but he won't discuss it with me — he has basically shut me out. I have made multiple attempts to tell him I don't feel loved or "in love" anymore but nothing changes.

I have basically moved on and started to do my own thing. I am going out with friends and having a great time. Now that he is out of school for the Summer, he wants things to be back to normal. He realizes that he may be losing me, and he's scared. He has done a complete turnaround and it bothers me. I'm not holding a grudge, but I can't let his behavior go. I feel like something is missing from our relationship, and I have been meeting new people and seeing a lot of other possibilities out there. Should I stick it out and try to "fall in love" with him again or just move on? I want to remain his best friend as he's mine but I'm not happy.

— Sparkless Skylar

To see DearSugar's answer,

This or That: His House or Yours?

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:00:00 -0700

After a few months of serious dating, you and your boyfriend have moved into the staying-over-nearly-every-night phase. Things have actually been going exceptionally well relationshipwise, though you have noticed a few weird things on his part. Would it be worse if . . . This: He just doesn’t seem to want you staying at his place, so you only stay at yours? Truth be told, you’ve never even seen the inside of his apartment, which only piques your curiosity (and concern). Or . . . That: He practically refuses to stay at your place even for a night? He claims he’s only comfortable at his place, but he doesn't seem to care that it's inconvenient for you. Source

This or That: His House or Yours?

This — He won’t even let you sneak a peek at his house.

That — There’s nothing you can say to get him into your bed.

Dear Poll: Do You Share Your Relationship Disputes With Your Friends?

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Whether you’re disagreeing over a little annoyance or in full-on fight mode with your boyfriend, eventually you may feel the need to process things a bit. Though it’d be nice to do that with your partner, sometimes getting it all out to someone else is helpful. While I wouldn’t share the nitty-gritty details of an argument to a friend, I’d probably let her know what’s going on and talk it out with her — girls can be great at providing comfort!Then again, some women prefer to keep their personal life private or fear judgment on the part of their friend. Ladies, what about you? Do you open up to your friends if you’re in a disagreement with your significant other? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Share Your Relationship Disputes With Your Friends?

I like being able to talk about this stuff with my friends; it helps me clear my head.

Only if it’s something that I really need to get off my chest.

I never share this information with my friends; it’s just not any of their business.

Other — I'll explain.

Sunday Confessional: I Stood Up for My Friend, But Now I'm the Bad Guy

DearSugar — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My roommate, who also happens to be one of my closest friends, has been with her current boyfriend for just over six months. They're serious, and she even plans on moving in with him when our lease ends. He's a decent guy, and I know he loves my friend — I've gotten to know him really well because he's always at our house. But every time they go out together and drink, he starts to act insanely jealous. They end up fighting, leaving early, and it always sends my roommate into a torrent of tears. Needless to say, I'm the one trying to calm them both down or comfort my friend at the end of the night. And since I'm often out with them, it regularly ruins my night too. Once he sobers up, her boyfriend always apologizes for his behavior and suddenly all is right again. I've talked to her about it before and she agrees that his actions are unacceptable, yet nothing changes. Last weekend they were going out with some mutual friends, and to avoid one of their scenes, I stayed home. Later that night, they came home in usual fighting mode and I just hit my limit. I decided to confront her boyfriend about his behavior. He heard me out, so I felt like things went well, but within a few days I could tell my roommate was upset with me. When I asked what was wrong, she said she was extremely angry that instead of talking to her I decided to make her boyfriend feel uncomfortable; she even said I was being selfish! I think I did the right thing. Should I be forgiven for standing up for my friend? Source

Sunday Confessional: I Stood Up for My Friend, But Now I'm the Bad Guy

Forgive?

Not forgive?

Undecided

This or That: Completely Late or a Terrible Dinner Date?

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Your parents are hosting a Sunday night dinner at their house to meet your boyfriend for the first time. You’re a mix of excitement and nerves, and you know that your parents’ expectations are high. Unfortunately, your boyfriend is coming from a weekend away so you haven’t seen him or done any of the obligatory meet-the-parents prep talk beforehand. Would it be worse if . . .This: He’s unbelievably late and doesn’t answer his phone when you call? You’re not sure whether to be worried or angry. He shows up an hour and a half late with dinner cold and only a mediocre excuse. Or . . .That: He’s right on time, even bearing a bottle of wine but then proceeds to be a rude dinner guest? He has zero manners and barely manages to answer a question with more than one word. Source

This or That: Completely Late or a Terrible Dinner Date?

This — He’s late, and you’re infuriated.

That — He has no manners and your parents have taken note.

Handle This: He Wants You to Convert

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 16:00:00 -0700

You’ve been with your boyfriend for a year now, and things are pretty serious but he's recently mentioned some concerns he’s having about the differences in your religious upbringings and beliefs. His family is both traditional and dedicated when it comes to their religion, whereas you're open and uncommitted to anything.

In an effort to lay everything on the table before things get more serious, he lets you know that you’ll have to convert to his religion in order to marry him. You’re more than willing to learn more, but you feel unsure about a full conversion. You love him so how would you handle this?

Source

Handle This: You've Grown Attached to His Family

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:00:00 -0700

After dating your boyfriend for just under a year, you’ve realized that he’s not the one for you. You care about him deeply, but the connection you felt initially has vanished.

But as much as you know you should break up, you just can’t bring yourself to do it. You don't want to hurt him, but you really don't want to lose his family. You’re not close with your parents, and since dating your boyfriend, his parents have become your second family. You rely on them for everything and you can’t bear the thought of losing them, so how do you handle this?

Source

This or That: Constantly Wants Sex or Never Wants Sex?

DearSugar — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Your boyfriend just changed careers paths and now he’s doing something that he really cares about — it’s a huge step and comes with a lot more power and responsibility. With the new job, you've noticed a complete change in his mojo and you’re not sure how you feel about it. Would it be worse if . . .This: He just can’t seem to get enough? Every waking hour you’re together he’s trying to put the moves on you, and when you decline he proceeds to act offended. You’re not sure if the power's gone to his head, but you sure can’t keep up. Or . . .That: He’s suddenly uninterested? It used to be fun to be the pursuer on occasion, but now it’s as if you’re the one doing all the work. He’s probably just stressed out, but this is a huge price to pay. Source

This or That: Constantly Wants Sex or Never Wants Sex?

This — The power has gone to his head and he’s hungry for more.

That — His daytime burdens are putting a serious damper on any nighttime fun.

Handle This: Her Boyfriend Is a Nightmare

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 12:00:00 -0700

After a weekend visiting a close friend, you’re desperately grateful to be home. While it was nice to see her, her boyfriend put a huge damper on everything else. If he wasn’t guilt-tripping her about going out then they were arguing about staying in. He even demanded that you guys not go to the restaurant you had been dying to try for weeks because it was too far for him to drive.

When she calls a few days later, you assume she wants to apologize about his behavior, but instead she wants to know what you think about him and to see if they can visit you together in a few months. She’s eager for your answer, so how do you handle this?

Source

You Asked: Is It Ever Going to Change?

DearSugar — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend is 25 and has an addiction to both gambling and alcohol. He was recently caught gambling by the FBI and I've even had to loan him money to pay off his debts. He has two DUIs and is currently on parole. He comes from a great family and I am really fond of all of them, but outside of them and me, he has no other positive influences in his life — his friends are complete troublemakers.

I recently told him that we should take a break. Now he says that he's trying to change, but I don't know if he means it or if he just wants to get me back. How do I know if I can trust him once he gets off probation? I really don't want to lose him, but I don't want this to negatively affect me anymore. What do I do?

— Torn Trina

To see DearSugar's answer,

You Asked: I'm Being Taken For Granted

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm 23 years old and my boyfriend is 28 years old. We've been together for nearly two years, and we love each other very much. I just need some advice on how to approach things in our relationship now that the honeymoon phase is over. Recently I feel like I've been taken for granted. He used to be very affectionate and always on top of everything but now I feel like I'm the one doing the chasing. I've become very jealous because he doesn't give me the same attention that he used to.

We see each other every day, and I can't help but wonder if he's just sick of me. I've been nagging him about what's changed, and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to make things the way they used to be. I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Now I can't stop being jealous and asking for reassurance; it's only making things worse. I don't want to lose him. What can I do?

— Honeymoon Is Over Olivia

To see DearSugar's answer,

Handle This: Hit On in Front of Your Boyfriend

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0700

At a friend’s party you find yourself wandering around briefly separated from your boyfriend. You settle into the kitchen to fix yourself a new drink and run into a handsome guy. He immediately starts making small chat, and he turns out to be very nice and funny. You try not to lead him on, but you want to be nice and end up talking to him for a few minutes.

You’re laughing at a joke when you catch your boyfriend staring at you out of the corner of your eye. He’s watching exactly what’s happening, so how would you handle this?

Source

You Asked: Is He Too Immature For Me?

DearSugar — Thu, 29 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am 26, have a great job, and live on my own. I have been dating a guy for seven months now who is 23, lives with his parents, goes to college, and works full time. It's not his emotional maturity that I'm concerned about, rather his place in life. He's never been on his own and he's cheap, which is one of the reasons I think he's never moved out.

We go out to eat sometimes but I always feel awkward because I don't know who should pay — though he does offer frequently. I cook a lot for us, but he never pitches in on groceries — I don't ask him to. He never says "thank you" or helps clean up. He also says he's going to get me things, but doesn't follow through. He just got a new car, but he has very few bills to pay outside of that. He doesn't pay rent, buy groceries, or pay for school. He's never been on his own so I don't know if he'll always be like this or if he just needs to experience things to appreciate them.

On the flip side, he mentions our future together all the time. He got me a nice gift for Christmas and my birthday. He's a very sweet guy — he's always affectionate, polite, and makes me laugh. I think he has good intentions, but he's in desperate need of guidance. I don't want to be a nag but I feel like I put more into the relationship than he does. I guess I have standards and he's not meeting them. I know good guys are hard to find and I would really like to make it work, but I think I need more. Am I being selfish? Are we just in two different stages in life? Will he grow out of this? Please help!

— More Mature Marian

To see DearSugar's answer,

This or That: He's Not That Into You or He Loves Someone Else?

DearSugar — Mon, 26 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Something has been up with your boyfriend for the past few weeks, which is why you’re not at all shocked when he tells you that he needs to talk to you about something important. Right off the bat his news goes from bad to worse as he proceeds to break up with you and crush your heart. Would it be worse if he tells you that…This: He's fallen in love with another girl and doesn’t think he can stay in a relationship with you? He really loves you, but he just loves someone else more. Or…That: There’s no one else, but he just knows that he doesn’t love you anymore and that you’re not the one? Someday there will be another woman, but it won’t ever be you. Source

This or That: He's Not That Into You or He Loves Someone Else?

This — He's just not that into you.

That — He’s in love with another lady.

This or That: Smothers You or Ignores You?

DearSugar — Tue, 20 May 2008 07:00:00 -0700

After a couple of years, you and your boyfriend have found yourselves in the comfort zone of your relationship. For the most part things are good, and you enjoy feeling settled, but you get the feeling he doesn’t. His behavior makes it seem like he’s having some insecurities about the relationship. You love him, but he’s driving you nuts. Would it be worse if . . .This: He's gone from being doting to completely obsessive and overappreciative? When he’s with you, you can’t even sigh without him making a fuss about getting you something or making sure you're OK. Or . . .That: Suddenly it seems like half the time you’re with him he forgets you’re even there? He’s still affectionate, but he seems to be caught up in his own world and pays absolutely no attention to you. Source

This or That: Smothers You or Ignores You?

This — He’s smothering you with affection.

That — He’s suddenly stingy with words.

Handle This: Your Boyfriend Wants You to Get a Boob Job

DearSugar — Mon, 19 May 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Your chest has always been on the smaller side, and though you've complained on occasion about not being able to fill out a particular top, or looking too small in a bathing suit, for the most part you don’t mind being flat chested — at least you can go braless when necessary! Well it turns out your boyfriend has a different opinion.

After jokingly mentioning a few times that he would love to see what you'd look like with breast implants, now he’s actually offering to pay for a boob job. You’re totally shocked that he’d take it this far so how do youhandle this?

Source

You Asked: Our Life Is Already Routine and Boring

DearSugar — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years and I just moved in together. As time goes by, he spends less and less time with me, and he constantly turns to his friends for his outings, parties, and events over me. Part of the reason why I fell in love with him is because he's so fun and creative — we had so much in common in terms of passions and hobbies, but the more committed we get, the less of these we seem to share.

I understand that it's not that much fun to sign a lease, buy furniture, and set up accounts with utility providers, but it needs to be done, and I don't see why we can't go and relax together afterwards. Instead, he's off to hang out with his friends. We're still living without hot water, gas, or a fridge!

He says he only has so much time allotted for me and unfortunately, that time is now being spent doing routine stuff like getting cable or shopping for bookshelves, so when we're done, he's seen enough of me for the day and would rather go do something else. I understand what he means; I don't want to monopolize his time, I just want to have a life together. I know moving can be stressful, but I'm afraid his behavior is a sign of something worse. I'm tired of making suggestions for fun stuff to do and getting rejected. I don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?

— Stuck at Home Serena

To see DearSugar's answer,

This or That: He Won't Kiss You or He Won't Make Eye Contact?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Your new boyfriend is amazing. He's everything you’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend and he’s a ton of fun, too. In fact, sexually speaking, you’re having the time of your life — and you haven’t even had sex yet! When the time finally comes, you’re both excited and nervous, but you end up feeling more than a little discouraged by the time it’s over. Would it be worse if he . . .This: Refuses to look you in the eye during and after sex? You even physically used your hands to move his head directly in front of yours, and he still averted his eyes. Or . . .That: Won’t kiss you? The worst part is that when you went to kiss him, his lips didn’t respond at all and it was completely awkward. Which would be worse?Source

This or That: He Won't Kiss You or He Won't Make Eye Contact?

This — He'd rather look at the wall than your face.

That — His lips refuse to touch yours.

Handle This: You Run Into Your Boyfriend With Another Woman

DearSugar — Tue, 06 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

You’re out to dinner with a friend on a Tuesday night at the local hot spot. Your boyfriend has been busy with a work project — he's had to stay late a lot — so you’ve decided to make the most of your free time with some good old girl talk.

As you leave the restaurant, you’re shocked to see your boyfriend sitting at a table in the corner with another woman. Their conversation appears a little too intimate to be business-related, but he never mentioned dinner plans tonight. You don’t want to embarrass yourself or your boyfriend if it’s nothing, but you feel strange walking out without saying something. Your friend is pressuring you to walk up to him, so how would you handle this?

Source

Handle This: He Gambles Away His Savings

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:00:00 -0700

You and your boyfriend have been living together for the past two years in a small apartment. You’ve both been wanting to upgrade to something a little bigger so you’ve been trying to save diligently in order to make it happen.

One day you overhear your boyfriend on the phone with a friend complaining about how he lost $2,000 in an online poker match. To add insult to injury, he references previous losses as well and you didn't even know that he was gambling! You’re completely shocked and upset. You want to walk in there and scream at him for wasting that much money on a game when he should be saving, but then again, it's technically his money, not yours, so you're not sure what you can say. How do you handle this?

Source

You Asked: His Sex Drive Has Disappeared

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:48:46 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. In the beginning, he was crazy about me and more into me, sexually speaking, than I was into him. At that time, we'd have sex pretty much every time we saw each other. A year into our relationship, he was having career and financial difficulties and moved into my apartment with me and my roommate; he pays for his part of the bills.

Now that we sleep together every night, we don't have sex as often as I'd like to. The longest we've gone is two weeks without it, and lately it will only happen if I initiate things. Sometimes I even have to coax him into it, and I end up feeling pathetic and desperate. We've talked about it a bit, and he said his sex drive has been down as a result of career and financial difficulties, which I know can greatly affect men. He's also not completely comfortable with the living situation and feels too dependent on me. I believe him and understand all of this but don't know how to deal with my frustration.

I know nagging won't help anything, but I find myself very confused, because when I do finally get him to have sex, it's always amazing and he loves it. So what should I do? Do I refrain from initiating and see what happens, or just accept it as it is right now and initiate and enjoy what I can get?

— Sexually Frustrated Sam

To see DearSugar's answer,