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You Asked: How Do I Express My Feelings?

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I recently went on a "date" with an acquaintance from college. We had recently been interacting through an online social network, and she happened to be visiting the city I was in at the moment. We met up and had some good conversation over coffee. It lasted four hours, and the time flew by quickly. During the date I noticed her playing with her hair, smiling, and mimicking my actions. All signs of flirting or showing interest, I heard. As we talked I became more and more attracted her; she has qualities that I really like in a female companion, and we related on a lot of similar topics. Now there is a possibility that she may be in town again visiting family. We said that we will try and meet up if possible.

How do I go about expressing my feelings to her? How do I know if she feels the same? We had an amazing time and there was definitely a connection, but I also do not want to lose our friendship over this.

— Full of Emotions Emmet

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You Asked: I Refuse to Accept That We're Over

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I met a guy who quickly became my best friend; in fact, he was really the best thing that ever happened to me. In the beginning we were just inseparable, great friends. But months later, I realized I was in love with him. Soon after, he admitted that he loved me, too, and we started dating. It was amazing at first, but within a few months we started fighting a lot. We eventually broke up, but stayed really good friends. We tried getting back together but it didn't work, and we ended up down the same road.

Finally, we stopped talking for about six months, until one night he called me and said that he just wanted us to be friends again. So we started talking, and within a month he was talking about a girl he'd met. I tried to be casual about it, but every time he mentioned her I felt extremely jealous. It wasn't before long that I figured out that there was something really special between them. After talking about how strong his feelings for her are I finally snapped, and threatened to never speak to him again. He was upset by my outburst, and we haven't talked since.

I only lashed out at him for attention, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I wish I had just dealt with it because now I can't let go of him. I love him, and I have to do everything in my power to get him back. I need him in my life. But he wants nothing to do with me, and is crazy about this other girl. What should I do now?

— Needy Naila

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Tell My Best Friend That I Saw Her Fiancé Kissing Another Woman?

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

My hands are literally shaking as I type this. Tonight I saw my best friend’s fiancé kissing a woman in an Atlanta restaurant.

There’s no mistake. I’ve known this guy for five years, and they were all over each other — at one point he actually had his hand up her skirt and his tongue down her throat. No way was this an innocent “business” dinner. The weird part is neither he nor I live in Atlanta. My best friend, her fiancé and I all live in New York City. I happened to be in Atlanta for business. The fiancé owns a tech company and travels a lot. By some bizarre fluke we both ended up in the same restaurant.

He was so busy sucking this woman’s face, he didn’t see me. He’s never been a supportive, understanding guy, but he makes a lot of money, and my friend absolutely worships the ground he walks on.

What do I do? My friend is marrying this guy in October — in less than six weeks! The wedding, the reception, the dress, the food, the honeymoon, everything is finalized. Worse, they’ve just signed the contract on a very expensive loft in TriBeCa. They want to get pregnant by New Year’s. They've chosen their first child’s name. My best friend is walking around on air she’s so in love. I will never be able to look her in the face again. But I can’t tell her. It will kill her. Her parents will freak out. It’s a mess! Why can’t guys behave themselves?! — Sick to my Stomach

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You Asked: How Can I Get Past His Cheating?

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for six years and have been together for 10. About three months ago I found out that he had an affair about two years ago. I forgave him, and we have been working together to move past it. Lately some friends of his friends that know the other woman have been coming over to our house to spend time with my husband. Whenever they mention her name in passing, my blood boils. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and I can't seem to get the affair out of my mind. I don't know what to do. We are completely open and honest with each other, but my thoughts are consumed with him cheating on me. Do you have any advice? — Consumed Cassie

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You Asked: How Do I Make Amends?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My family is in the process of moving, and while packing up some books, I noticed a number from an old friend from college. We stopped being friends over something stupid — I was young, and felt like I didn't need a friend — but that was two years ago. I was dropping both bad friends and good friends left and right; it wasn't a healthy time for me and shortly thereafter, I slipped into a depression and finally realized how important it is to keep people in your life.

I've already reconnected with a high-school friend, however she's not someone I would call a best friend. My friend from college was someone who I could go out with and had real fun around, which is something I want to do again. I'm not a partier by any means, but I love the idea of getting dressed up with girlfriends for a cocktail. I really do want to reach out to her and see if she's open to a friendship again, but I'm terrified that she'll want nothing to do with me after the way I treated her. What should I do? How can I deal with it if she rejects me?

— Time For Friends Again Angela,

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Dear Poll: Do You Give Good Advice?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Giving good advice isn't an easy task sometimes. In order to be unbiased, one has to really listen and offer suggestions for what's best for the person in need, not what's best for you. Without realizing it, it's easy for listeners to turn situations back onto themselves as a way to make other people feel better, but that can come off as selfish or uninterested.

I have certain friends I go to for advice over and over again because they are fair. They understand my thought process and give me sound advice that I take to heart each and every time. While I enjoy giving my friends advice, I know playing therapist isn't easy for everyone so tell me, do you think you give good advice? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Give Good Advice?

Yes, I think I give great advice!

To be honest, I'm not the best advice giver. Sometimes I think too irrationally.

Other — Please explain below.

You Asked: Is She a Bad Bridesmaid or Am I a Bridezilla?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm getting married in a few months, and I asked my four closest girl friends to be my bridesmaids. Three of the girls have been amazing, but I've been having a lot of issues with the last girl. They were kind enough to throw me a lovely bachelorette party, but they had a hard time settling on the date because the girl in question was always "busy." They finally settled on a date that worked for her, and then three weeks before the party, she called to tell me that she couldn't make it because she decided to take a vacation instead. I feel extremely hurt because I knew the other girls bent over backwards to accommodate her because we all felt it was important for her to attend since she was a bridesmaid. Am I wrong to be hurt that she would miss my bachelorette party so she could go on a vacation instead? — Peeved Penelope

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You Asked: Should I Forgive My Ex?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am a man looking for the advice of women since my male friends aren't sensitive enough to comprehend what I'm going through. I had been going out with this girl on and off for four and a half years. I truly loved her and she was my best friend. We were happy and we shared some of the best times of our lives. But a few months back, while I was on and she was off, she stopped talking to me all together. I tried desperately to get a hold of her but she never called or emailed me back.

Finally she came around again and asked for some space. At first, I refused because I was scared of losing her again but I eventually respected her wishes and let her be on her own but we never called it quits officially; the relationship was simply put on hold. Not long after, I discovered that she had been seeing this other guy during her "time alone." When I confronted her about this, she said she only wanted to be my friend and lied about her new guy so that I would stay friends with her. Feeling betrayed and led on, I told her that she was out of my life for good and that I could never be friends with someone who would break my heart so easily.

Two weeks later I'm still in agony over losing a girl I considered to be my soul mate. I need help deciding whether or not I should try to forgive her and talk things through with her. Could we ever be friends again (maybe more)? Or should I wipe the slate clean and forget about her completely?

— Broken-Hearted Brandon

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You Asked: Who Should I Be With?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I dated this guy several years ago. We always had amazing chemistry. We've known each other for almost 15 years, but he wasn't mature enough to handle a monogamous relationship when we dated, and he cheated repeatedly until we finally split up. After the breakup, I began seeing another man who, on paper, is a perfect catch — intelligent, sweet and funny — but we never quite clicked, and he never made me feel like my ex did. Regardless, we ended up getting married several years ago, but my ex has always been in my heart. He got married as well (to the woman he cheated with), but it didn't last and they are now divorced.

After his marriage ended, he walked back into my life. My husband and I had been having some problems for about two years, and when we saw each other again, we immediately clicked. I felt like I hadn't felt in years — I found my passion again, I found my drive, and I was happy. He admitted how much he missed me and how he had always loved me. As wrong as it is, I felt giddy again, and we've been having an affair for the last three years.

Yesterday, he told me that he can no longer do this, and I'm devastated. Apparently he's having thoughts of other women and is scared that if he can cheat with a married woman, he will cheat on me again. I don't know what to do, what direction to go, or which way to turn. Please point me in the right direction. — In Turmoil Izzy

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You Asked: I Want More From My Affair

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 10 years. We've had two children, but have never been married. The truth is that I don't get along very well with my partner, but simply manage because of the kids. He has serious anger issues, and in turn, I have problems with the way he handles himself.

Last year he left me in a huff at my 20-year reunion, and one of my male classmates ended up taking me home the next morning after we spent the night together. He and I have continued to hook up since, but we've never discussed a potential relationship. Right now it's "just fun" but I want more. The problem is I'm not sure where he stands; he says that he's undecided. What should I do?

— Looking For More Melissa

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You Asked: Can I Use My Dog to Get to My Ex?

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
I realize that I am supposed to cut off all ties with my ex-boyfriend, but I've broken the rules. We didn't talk for a month and I haven't seen him since we broke up, but I just texted him about my dog, whom he had cared for a great deal. My dog just got diagnosed with cancer, and my ex about this opened the floodgates for communication. We have arranged for him to see my dog without me present. We haven't talked about ourselves or our lives, it has just about the dog, but I want more. Can I use this tragic situation to my advantage? — Pining Penny

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You Asked: I'm Too Shy

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm a very shy girl who can't seem to strike up a conversation with anyone I don't already feel comfortable with. All of my friends are outgoing and carefree, and I cant even get a date to save my life! I've convinced myself that there is no one of the opposite sex that would possibly be interested in me, which in turn fuels my feelings of loneliness. I've tried to put myself out there but I don't know what else to do when I seriously lack confidence. How can I approach males without feeling like a complete idiot?

— Low Confidence Lila

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You Asked: Should I Wait For Him?

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of a year and a half — I'm 23, and he's 21 — told me that he wants to break up because he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. But he also says that he wants to be good friends. We met at work, so we see each other all the time. He calls me every day and invites me to hang out with him. He told me that we might get back together, but for now he just wants to have fun and not handle the responsibilities of a relationship. He claims he's not completely over me, but I just can't read his signals. I want to wait for him, but I'm scared that I might end up waiting forever. Do you think he's over me? Should I wait for him?

— Longing Lacey

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The Dos and Don'ts of Dirty Talk

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Many of you admitted to enjoying talking dirty, but I'm sure there are just as many of you who have yet to give it a go. It's true that dirty talk done wrong can be fairly awkward, but when you do it right, it can be a total turn-on for both you and your man. So if you're ready to try something new, here's my crash course in talking dirty.

Fortunately, dirty talk is more about attitude than what you're actually saying. So no matter what you say, just make sure you use your tone of voice to really sell it.
Try reading some erotica beforehand. Not only will it get you in the mood, but it might just give you something to talk about.
If you're noisy in the bedroom, use that sound to your advantage. Moans and gasps can give way to the most natural dirty talk!
Take baby steps. Start by throwing in a few sexual and arousing words during your usual lovemaking routine, and as you get more comfortable, amp it up. The more you get into it, the more he will, too.

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: The Olympics Have Me Down, How Do I Get Motivated?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’ve been watching the Olympics. How do I get as motivated as these athletes? Watching all this extraordinary achievement makes me feel like such a loser. And the worst part is I can’t stop watching them.

I’ve been glued to the TV since they started, and I mean glued! Tonight while I watched the gymnastics I ate three bowls of cereal and a plate of lasagna! God! Am I the only person who's stopped exercising completely and is doing nothing but getting fat watching Shawn Johnson and Michael Phelps? I want to be successful, too!

I keep watching and hoping I’ll find out what their secret is, but nobody can put it into words. Should I just hire a life coach? — Coach Potato Girl

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You Asked: I Can't Accept My Boyfriend's Female Friend

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm so incredibly jealous of one of my boyfriend's female friends, and I want to know how I can stop feeling this way. I'm not worried my boyfriend would ever do anything inappropriate, I know he only has eyes for me, I just get really angry and hurt inside when I know they're hanging out. Due to the way my life is right now, I'm lucky if I get to spend an afternoon with my boyfriend once every two weeks! She, on the other hand, gets to see him whenever she wants, multiple times a week, on fun outings like dinners, late-night coffee runs, movies, concerts — all the things I wish I could do with him but can't for the next few months. I would never tell my boyfriend to stop seeing her because he is trustworthy and should be free to spend time with his friends but it's eating me up inside knowing that I can't be a part of those fun times, and she can. I know it's not the friend's fault and it's not my boyfriend's fault, but I still feel rejected, jealous, and lonely. How can I make myself feel better about how bad this situation is? — Left Out Lani

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You Asked: He Gets Mean When He's Drunk

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am currently dating a guy who lives a couple of states away from me. I've known him about nine months, and I really like him. He is sweet and very mature, but for the past two months he's been calling me completely drunk, and acting very hurtful on the phone. We've spent a lot of time in person together, and I've seen him drink before, but he's never been mean like this. In fact, usually he's exceptionally sweet.

But now I feel like I'm seeing a totally different side of him. One minute he's cursing at me, and the next minute he's telling me how strong his feelings are for me. The last time it happened he started crying — which is very out of character — and told me that even though he loves me, he can't be with me. We come from two different religions, and in his drunken stupor he mentioned that he didn't think his parents would accept me.

I don't want to break up with him; I really care about him. Honestly, he rarely drinks, so it's very strange that he's been calling me like this. What is wrong with him? What can I do to make this better?

— Befuddled Bella

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The How-To Lounge: Catching up on Sleep

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

It seems like every week I’m playing catch-up on sleep from the previous weekend. In fact, until I actually make a mental note to chill out, relax, and get in some extra Zs, I just keep getting more and more run-down. And I know I’m not alone, so I want to share some of my tricks with those of you who are in desperate need of more sleep. To see them, just

You Asked: Should I Move?

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A friend and I have been talking about moving to New York together after we finish college next May. We haven't discussed anything solid, but we both think it's a good idea to live there because of the areas we're specializing in, plus, it's my absolute dream city!

My problem is that I'm currently in a relationship with a great guy, and have been for about a year and a half. I'm almost 99 percent sure he doesn't want to go to New York when he graduates — I've brought it up with him before — so I feel incredibly guilty about considering doing it on my own. On one hand, I feel like I'm making plans behind his back, but on the other, there aren't any real plans yet; it's all very, very tentative, and we may not even go through with it — a lot can happen in a year. If I feel something is right for me, should I go through with it regardless? This decision is consuming my every thought! — Apprehensive Annabelle

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Has ADHD

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I have been together for three years. I love him dearly, but he has ADHD. While his symptoms aren't severe enough to impact me (other than his occasional forgetfulness and constant pacing), I am worried about our future. He occasionally brings up the possibility of having children once we are married, but every time he mentions it, I get worried. I feel as if I almost don't even want to have children with him after reading that a third of all fathers with ADHD have children with ADHD. I don't know how I would deal with that behavior and academic issues in a child when I was always a straight A student. Is it horrible to think this? And what can I do to get it out of my mind?

— Concerned Cara

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The How-To Lounge: Confrontation Via Email

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

When a conflict develops between two people, most of the time a direct conversation is the appropriate solution. But sometimes, such a direct approach is just too hard. When it comes to interpersonal issues, any communication is better than none, even if it's through the impersonal Internet. So if you're someone who'd rather bury your head in the sand than verbalize your concerns, or if you think a less explicit talking-to is necessary, then check out my tips for communication via email and

You Asked: We Both Cheated

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. When we first started dating, we were both beginning graduate school at different universities, though they were only a few minutes away from each other. As a result, even though we were dating, we spent a lot of time socializing apart from each other. During the first five months, I cheated on him repeatedly. I made out with a bunch of different guys until I finally woke up to how shameful and inconsiderate of a person I was, and I broke up with him. I spent some time on my own, examined myself long and hard, and got my act together. Eventually we got back together and I haven't cheated on him since. We're stronger than ever now, but I know it's only because he has no idea what I did to him.

So, keeping my history in mind, can you advise me on a situation that has just come up between us? Last night he got drunk at a party and kissed a random girl. He called and left me a message about it right away. He was extremely remorseful and begged me for forgiveness. My friends who were at the party as well told me that the girl was all over him, he was being egged on by some of his friends, and when it happened, he pulled away quickly and was mortified. I forgive him, of course — how can I not considering all the times when I behaved just like that girl? — but I don't know what to say to him about it. If I tell him it's not a big deal, that these things happen, I know he'll question my morals because he believes I don't stand for cheating. But if I say to him that that sort of situation can't happen again, I'll be a hypocrite. I know in my heart that I could never claim to be above that kind of behavior, so what do I do? Tell him the truth? I feel that I've changed, but does that give me the right to expect better from him? — Double Standard Debbie

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You Asked: I've Never Had an Orgasm

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've never had an orgasm. Not with another person or on my own. All the advice I find just tells me to relax and spend some time alone getting to know myself. And I've been trying that all these years with no luck. I am frustrated beyond belief! I get so stressed out about it that I often end up in tears. I know stress can be a factor, but knowing that doesn't help. I've discussed it with my various boyfriends over the years, and they have felt bad about it, but have no better ideas than me. I've read that some women go their entire lives without ever experiencing one. I don't want to be one of those women. Please help!

— Feeling Awful About Orgasms Alice

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You Asked: Are We Compatible?

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We now live together and both work full-time jobs, do well financially, love to travel together, plan the future (marriage, home, kids) and according to our friends, we are a great couple. I'm 24 and he is 26 and we are happy, however I've been feeling more frustrated lately about certain things. We disagree about spending money. While we do have a joint account that we use for rent, bills, and groceries, we have separate accounts for our own needs. He doesn't spend much and does not see the value of anything material — he thinks shopping for expensive things is ridiculous and feels we can do more with our money than purchasing beautiful handbags, shoes and accessories. I love fashion and shopping. I have no debt and I pay my credit cards in full. There are times I need to rein in my self-control when I see something out of budget, but I never shop beyond my means.

Another area is health. I am definitely careful about what I eat and have maintained a healthy weight since high school. I love chocolate, the occasional fries, and indulging when going out. He's the opposite. He wants to eat the healthiest foods at all times and never eats fried or fatty foods when we go out. If I cook something too high in butter or too salty, he asks if I will cook with less next time. He also pushes me to exercise so I can stay healthy. I take two to three workout classes a week, and I feel that is enough for me.

Overall, he just wants me to be the best I can be. He's a very smart person with three degrees from Stanford and a great job. He loves his family, he's a good friend, and he truly does care about me; it's just that he is critical without realizing that what he says makes me feel pressure to be perfect. He really sees it as helping me, and always asks me to help him be better in any way.

I want this relationship to work. I've thought about breaking up, but I break down just thinking about it — I love him a lot and I know he loves me too. Is there any way to make this work? What should I do? — Feeling the Pressure Pamela

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You Asked: My Mother Won't Help Me

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My parents are divorced and I've lived in my mother's house for most of my life. I'm currently a student at a very prestigious college. My mom has never fulfilled her responsibilities as a mother. Throughout childhood, I was barely fed and lacked balanced nutrition. My meals were always frozen dinners that my mother bought in wholesale. I've had to work since I was 14 years old so I could pay for my academic competition fees, my own computer, and a lot of my personal expenses. Since my earnings were usually in cash, my mother would "borrow" from me but never pay it back.

I have worked very hard to get where I am, but right now I am struggling to pay for college while my mother lives a lavish lifestyle beyond her means. In the three times that my mother has ever needed to fill out my financial aid applications, she has been four months past due, costing me thousands of dollars that she doesn't contribute to. I paid my first year of college on my own. When I asked my mother to help me with my second year, she acted surprised that I even needed to pay for college at all.

She cries to me that she lives from paycheck to paycheck, but I've seen her collection of expensive perfume and designer sunglasses, and the entire basement piled with her clothes. My father is barely employed with a low salary. I feel terrible asking him for anything. He lives well below his means in order to pay child support and his bills. I'm working overtime, but I'm running out of ideas as the tuition payment deadline approaches. Do you have any advice on how to persuade my mother to help me?

— Dead Broke Brooke

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The How-To Lounge: Saying What You Mean

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Even though I’m constantly going on and on about the importance of communication, I’ll be the first to admit that communicating well is a very difficult thing to master — there’s a reason why we often refer to miscommunication. Sometimes it’s all too easy for lines to get crossed, and before you know it what you said was not at all what you meant. Since I’m sure this is a common problem, I’ve come up with a few tips so you can finally start saying what you mean. To see them just

You Asked: Should I Give Him Another Chance?

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just found out on Monday that my husband has been having an affair for eight months. We have been married for 13 years and although we have the usual ups and downs of marriage, I never suspected a problem with us — we are a sincerely normal, happy couple. I actually found out from his girlfriend's ex-husband — yes, she was married too. My husband fessed up when confronted, said he was sorry, and claimed he doesn't know why he did it except that it made him feel excited and "wanted" again like, when a relationship first starts.

I asked him to honestly tell me what he wanted and he said he wants me and his children. He swears he loves me and thought he was in love with her, but doesn't think he really was. He said he made it clear from the beginning that he would never leave me for her. I am at a total loss. He has ceased all contact with her, changed his cell phone number and taken his cell and computers off password protected; all at my request. This woman is insisting that he is only with me because of our kids and that he doesn't love me anymore — she claimed he loves her. He tells me she is wrong and that he never stopped loving me. I am so confused and worst of all, I love him and want to work things out. I want my marriage to survive this. Do you have any advice? — Not Sure Suzanna

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You Asked: He's Too Sarcastic

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating a great guy for five years now, but often I am annoyed by his sarcastic, hostile, and almost snobbish attitude. Sometimes it just seems like he can't be nice or get along with anyone — he's even mean to his friends. I love him very much, and he says that he loves me, too, but I'm not sure I can handle this anymore. We've been through so much together, but lately things are getting too hard.

My family doesn't trust him, and ever since I got into a spat with his brother whom he lives with, conversations with his family have been very strained. I feel uncomfortable when I'm at his parents' house, and I can tell they now have some animosity towards me. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about all of these issues, but he doesn't like to discuss them so instead he ignores me, and they get worse. In fact, he can't have a real adult conversation without getting angry and being childish. Am I just completely stuck? What do I do?

— Sick of His Attitude Alice

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: What Are My Rights?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean.

I write this and I don't know where to start or end, because it seems it’s gone on forever and I'm afraid of how it might end. I have a stepdaughter that I love like she were my very own. She has been in my life since she was born. She is now a very confused 24 year old.

Her own mother is and has been heavily involved with drugs my daughter’s whole life. After many attempts over the years, my husband and I finally got full custody of her at 10 years old. I thought and prayed we got her in time, but by the time she was 13 it all started coming out: Now we can't believe anything she says; she lies constantly and steals from us.

We have tried to get her in counseling, I’d make the appointments and she would not show up. She gets fired from most of her jobs. She hangs out with some very scary, druggy people. She’s almost gone to prison for a felony and managed to get out of it. She was raped at gun point twice and she still won’t stop.

If all this is not frightening enough, she now has a three-and-half-year-old son. She does not know who the father is. She slaps the child in the mouth, berates him for everything he does. If he’s being quiet she will agitate him till he fusses, puts him in timeout, and then harasses him the whole time.

I keep trying to talk to her about it. She won’t listen. Luckily she leaves him with us six or seven days a week. We pay for daycare. We buy all his clothes and we feel like he is our child. Sometimes she won’t call or see him for a week and then out of the blue she wants him overnight. He cries and says he doesn't want to go.

She has no patience with him and he’s such a sweet, smart little boy! He has an uncanny knack of reading people. I’ve spoken with a child psychologist and asked what the chances are of getting custody. He said the court would probably not take her parental rights away, and that they would merely recommend parenting classes.

The last time we tried to intervene, she took the child away from us for a week! He acted like a different boy when he came home. We can't risk putting him jeopardy. At this point we have him most of the time and I feel blessed about that, but I'm so afraid of what goes on when he’s with her and her friends. We don't have the money to hire a good attorney and I have looked in to hiring a PI; we couldn't afford that either. We feel stuck. All we want is to protect him before something worse happens. Any advise will be welcomed. — Aching Heart

To see E. Jean's answer,

You Asked: Should I Let This Sleeping Dog Lie?

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
I have been with my boyfriend a little over two years. On Feb. 14 of this year, we got engaged. Prior to the engagement, we discussed having another child — we each came into the relationship with one. He gave into my desires and said we could try at some point. After our engagement, we weren't trying, but weren't not trying and I got pregnant, quickly. He freaked and said some horrible things. He tried to force an abortion on me and got mad when I refused. He then went back and forth saying he would be there for us, but then told me it was over.

We haven't seen each other in over a month and we rarely talk, but when we do, he's cold and heartless, insisting he wants nothing to do with the baby. He says that we would have "been fine" had I not "gone against his wishes and gotten pregnant." My question to you is, should I just let this sleeping dog lie and let him sign away his paternal rights when the baby is born (as he wishes), or should I try to pursue this relationship? — At a Loss Annabelle

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You Asked: He's Into S&M

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm usually OK with porn. I watch it myself and have watched it with former boyfriends however, my current boyfriend has always refused to let me watch his porn with him, and recently I learned why. The porn he watches is full of incredibly disturbing sado-masochistic porn, which I had no idea he was even slightly into. We've been together for almost two years! I'm definitely not into this kind of thing, and it makes me uncomfortable that he is. Can I approach him about this? And if so, what should I say? I don't want to ban him from porn that would be hypocritical, I'm just so shocked, and I feel like I need to know what about this turns him on.

— Doesn't Do Dominance Dee

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The How-To Lounge: Enhancing Your Patience

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

No matter how easy-going you might be, everyone can lose their temper from time to time. But if you happen to be impatient, well, then biting your tongue or not getting flustered can be very tricky. For that reason I’ve come up with a few ideas to work on increasing your patience. To see them,

You Asked: Are We Ready For the Next Step?

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of almost seven years and I took a break back in March of this year, but got back together two months ago. While it has not been difficult to remember what I love about him and how he makes me feel, it has been very hard coping with his friendship with a girl he developed a crush on not too long before we broke up. While he has since lost romantic interest in her, they remain good friends (though not as close as they were while he and I were apart). My problem is that I can't seem to get over the fact that she reminds me of the heartache I went through when he and I broke up, and that no matter how much I feel I should get to know her for his sake, there's a huge part of me that wishes I didn't have to; wishes she would just disappear. He told me he would stop talking with her because he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work, but I don't want him to stop being friends with someone he cares for — I don't want him to resent me.

The bigger issue here is that he has asked me to move in with him and I have been greatly considering it, but I don't know if it's a good idea just yet. After talking with my older sister and doing some real soul-searching, I believe it's best for he and I to fully reconnect first (which we've done a great deal of in these last two months) and for me to feel more comfortable with his friendship with the girl before I really consider moving in with him. But how do I get to know her as an individual instead of as the girl who could have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend for good? — Stand My Ground Gina

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You Asked: How Do I Confront My Friend?

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Recently I read the post about communicating with friends if a problem arises, and it got me thinking about my own situation. Right now I am torn as to whether or not I should confront my best friend from childhood. We've always been very close and open with one another, but as we are getting older, I have noticed some changes. Sometimes it seems like we're just growing into different people and I feel like we have very little in common these days.

Not too long ago we went to a BBQ together and she brought up something I had told her in confidence that was very personal and embarrassing in front of people I didn't know. I had had a few drinks and was so shocked by what she was saying that I took a passive approach to the situation and never said anything. The more I think about it, the more hurt I feel. I can't help but wonder why she would want to do something like that to me — it almost felt intentional. How should I confront her about this?

— Hurt Hailey

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Before Your Big Date, Part II

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Getting ready for a big date can take some extra effort, but can also be a ton of fun. Even if the date isn't so great, at least you've been able to pamper yourself a bit beforehand! I've already come up with a few suggestions when preparing for your night out, but to see my final tips,

You Asked: I Can't Control My Jealousy

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and the only problem we have is me — I cannot control my jealousy. I take every look or stare he gives another woman as a demerit to myself, leaving me wondering why I'm not good enough. I know a look is just a look, but I can't help but take it personally. I end up silently holding a grudge until he makes me upset about something unrelated, then I bring it up again. I know I am being stupid and ridiculous, not to mention causing problems in my relationship, but I don't know how to be all right with it. He used to be the one in my shoes, driving me crazy and getting mad over the smallest glance that I'd give to someone else, yet he doesn't seem to understand how I feel. Please tell me how to pull myself together. — Overprotective Onnalee

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You Asked: I'm Tired of Being Afraid

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A while back my ex-boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere. I thought we were heading in a good direction and that we were finally getting to know each other. (In fact, less than a week before that happened we had spent our first romantic weekend together.) At the end of one date night on the way back to my place he told me that while he loved hanging out with me and that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had he just doesn't feel "it." While I respected that he told me that instead of leading me on, I was still very hurt.

Now I've started a new relationship after licking my wounds for a little while, but I've discovered that my ex has changed me. I now have this sudden fear of abandonment and I am afraid that my current boyfriend will do the same thing. I've never experienced these kind of fears before. My boyfriend is a great guy, and assures me that he isn't going anywhere; he knows what happened before. But I can't shake this feeling, and I'm afraid that it will ruin my relationship. Every time my boyfriend doesn't return my call immediately a small voice inside my head tells me that maybe it's happening again. I know it's irrational but what can I do? Please help!

— Nervous Natalie

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Before Your Big Date, Part I

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

While a great date can lead to something really special, most of the excitement of going out with someone new comes from the anticipation that we build up beforehand. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that much of a date’s magic begins building in the early stages — when you’re home getting ready. To see some of my ideas for this important dating ritual,

You Asked: I Can't Tell if He's Kidding!

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I recently met this guy who seems too good to be true. He's extremely attractive, exactly my type, intelligent, funny and single! We have been on a few dates but have only kissed. Everything seems to be going well, but one thing has been confusing/bothering me. Since one of our first dates, he has been making jokes and comments regarding having a small penis. I asked my friends about it and they figured he was just saying that because it is in fact big, and he wants to make me curious. He made another comment yesterday (probably his fifth) and I just couldn't take it anymore. I questioned him as to why he keeps talking about his small penis and asked if this was a normal joke topic among guys. He told me it wasn't a joke, it was in fact the truth. He said he'd rather I know now, before we have sex (which may happen in the near future) so I'm not surprised.

This attitude is confusing and totally unattractive. I don't know what to think — I've never dealt with a man with a small penis before and definitely not the insecurities that come along with it. I don't know how to react to his jokes, which continued immediately following our "talk." This is odd behavior to me and I'm wondering if this is a normal coping mechanism for guys lacking below the belt. What can I do to make him feel better about himself? — Perplexed Pam

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: I'm Ready but He's Not!

DearSugar — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Next Step Nina need your help. She and her boyfriend are very happy and in love, but she's ready for marriage and he wants to wait another two years before even talking about it! She's not a fan of ultimatums, but she doesn't want to wait around for him. What should she do?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years, and we live together. I'm 24 and he is 26. We are both about a year into our great jobs and are doing well financially; we are even saving for a down-payment on a house. We've traveled together and visited both our families who seem to like us as a couple. We love each other and really push for each other to be the best we can be.

We talk about how we will raise our children, where we want to travel, where we want to live, and what we want from our relationships. Overall, everything is great, but I'm feeling more and more ready for marriage. I'd like to be engaged and perhaps married in one to two years. When I brought this up, he was a bit nervous and said that he doesn't see himself married for at least two years from now — the exact timeline I have, but while I am ready for an engagement now, he doesn't want to start talking about marriage for another two years, which means more waiting for me. When his family asks him about us, he also sidesteps the topic of marriage. He says he loves me, he says I'm the one for him and he sees us together forever, but the word never comes out of his mouth.

Should I just be patient and wait? If so, for how long? I hate ultimatums, but should I give one anyway? It's been two years and four months since we were official, and I just want to know! — Next Step Nina

Source

You Asked: He Doesn't Have Boundaries

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of three years supervises around 25 women. About eight months ago, we were out of town and he received a text message, which I picked up since he wasn't around. It was a very sexual joke from one of his employees, whom I already have issues with since she's constantly telling my boyfriend how she wants to leave her husband, which I find totally inappropriate.

I didn't say anything, but I checked his phone bills later and found that for the past year, he's been texting her 20 to 30 times a month! I confronted him and he assured me that they were all work related — even though some were in the middle of the night. I knew he was lying so I kept pressing him and went so far as to tell him that I had requested the transcripts from our provider. He went nuts, but admitted they were sexual jokes and comments. I was devastated. She's married; he's her supervisor and he was deleting them from his phone so that I wouldn't see them.

I told him to stop or I was leaving him. He told her that she could only contact him via cell if it were work related — there are office and lab phones and he has voicemail so there's no need to use the cell at all. She stopped contact for eight months, until finally she started up again. My boyfriend won't say anything else to her; she is very manipulative. I'm concerned they're going to fall back into the same pattern. We've talked about getting married, but honestly I don't think I want to continue with this man if he won't put up boundaries that make me feel safe. Am I wrong to feel this way?

— In Need of Boundaries Beth

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You Asked: Should I Give Him Space?

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for three years and he recently told me that he needs some space. He said that we should be "friends" for right now until he gets himself together. He has been through a lot, and seems to push everyone away. What should I do? Should I give him space, or just put this relationship to bed? I love him and don't want to lose him, but the fact that he's pushing me away instead of coming to me for support makes me think he's not on the same page. — Helpless Helena

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Stop Talking About His Ex

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been on and off with this guy for more than a year now, but the last six months we've been in a steady relationship. About a month ago he told me he loved me. He's only been in a committed relationship once before, which was about two years ago. The story of how they broke up is not exactly clear, but I know she cheated on him and broke his heart. He tried many times to win her back, but she wanted nothing to do with him, and is currently in a new relationship.

The problem is he talks about her all the time. At first I was very understanding, but now it's getting annoying. Within the first three months we were dating, I asked him if he was over her and he said that he was trying. Not long ago, I asked him again. He said, "I am. Before I wasn't sure, but now it's clear; I'm over her." And yet, he continually talks about her. When I mention that it bothers me he stops for a while, and then he's back at it again. I don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be with someone who wishes they were with the one who got away, and not me! Is it time for me to move on? Or can I make this work?

— Over Being Understanding Beth

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: How Can I Accomplish My Dream?

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I have an unusual dilemma. My mother and I would like to buy/obtain land in Ocala, FL, open a sanctuary and call it Willow Star Haven.

This will be a wellness center for the elderly, a no-kill animal rescue shelter with a vet on site, and a children’s center for kids with learning disabilities. My mother is already working on the getting the permits. But obviously it will require a lot of money to bring our dream to life. Can you give me some ideas for fund raising? We can’t afford to hire a fund-raising firm. — A Better Tomorrow

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Tips For Sex in the Car

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Whether you think it's sexy to get it on in the backseat of your boyfriend's car or it's the only private place you can find because you both live with roommates, it can be a little awkward. So here are some tips to make your automobile makeout session as comfy and pleasurable as possible:

Park in a secluded area. No, I'm not saying you should drive to some sketchy parking lot or abandoned factory; just choose a place that's private so you don't have to worry about unexpected people walking by and disturbing your alone time.
Bring a blanket along so you can lay it on the seat. Not only will it make you feel more like you're at home in a real bed, but it'll also prevent your skin from sticking to the seats if they're made of leather. It's also nice to bring another blanket or sheet along in case you get cold or if you need to cover yourself up quickly (just in case your secluded place is not secluded enough!).
Have your birth control ready, if you need it. Stopping to put on a condom tends to put a hold on the mood anyway, but it'll be even worse if you have to stop and look around to figure out where they are. So before you start getting busy, put the condoms in the backseat pocket or in the side door.
Make a CD or playlist on your iPod of romantic tunes to play. This may help to get you in the mood and may make you feel less like you're in a car.

Source

You Asked: Can I Move on From This Deception?

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. He is an amazing boyfriend; in fact, I've never dated a guy like this before. About six months into our relationship, his ex became a problem. She called him constantly, along with text messages and emails. I had no problem with it in the beginning, because she's never been a threat to me, until I found out that he hadn't even told her about me! Instead, he was telling her he missed her, and on a couple of occasions, he even saw her.

I honestly felt bad for this girl because it was clear that he was stringing both of us along — I knew it wasn't solely her fault. When I confronted him, he claimed that he was over her, but I've lost all trust. He is an amazing guy, but I feel like he's been withholding the truth about our relationship since day one. Can I overcome this? I've never been a jealous person and I don't want to turn into one now, but I have no idea how to conquer this problem. — Deceived Dianna

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You Asked: How Do I Listen to My Instincts?

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

For some time now, my instincts have been telling me to break up with my boyfriend of one year. For the most part I've been happy, but a couple of months ago it seemed like something changed. And while I'm not sure if he's become different, or if I'm just not willing to tolerate certain things anymore — he can be very harsh and unkind — I know that something in my gut is telling me it's time to get away.

Every time I work up my courage to end things, he says something that convinces me I'm wrong and makes me feel incredibly guilty. He always promises to try harder and work on whatever it is that's hurting me but nothing ever changes. How do I fight through the guilt and break up once and for all?

— Calling It Quits Callie

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You Asked: Will Something Come of This?

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have a guy friend who asked me to be his guest on an all-expenses paid trip next weekend. We have been friends for about a year, but I'm curious to see if it will develop into something more while we're away. I've always been very attracted to him, so how can I tell if he's into me too? I don't want to put myself out there first and get hurt. — Interested Izzie

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You Asked: I Think Porn Is Disgusting, But He Likes it

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
Four months ago when my live-in boyfriend was out of town, I discovered that he had downloaded multiple videos of porn and has received numerous pictures of naked women from his male friends via email. I confronted him about it, and he sees nothing wrong with it. He said that he'd stop looking at them, but I know for a fact he's lying.

I have serious issues with pornography as an industry, and on principle alone I find porn disgusting. A person looking at videos of people having sex is something that is not acceptable to me. I am so upset that I'm ready to walk away. Am I completely wrong?

— Disgusted Deb

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The How-To Lounge: Making New Friends

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

In the unending quest to meet new people, making a new friend seems the most elusive, especially when you've hit the point where quality is always more important than quantity. If you're in need, see my ideas for making new friends when you