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You Asked: Is It Too Late to Mend Our Friendship?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

Last year I went to visit one of my best friends in Chicago. Before I had arrived, she mentioned that she cut her hair really short. A few years ago when I did the same thing, she would tease me about it, so the night I arrived, in joking, I said something about her new "boy" do. I reassured her later that night that I was just teasing, but during my visit I couldn't help but feel that she was distant towards me.
After I left, she stopped returning my phone calls and when I would see her online, she would not respond to my IMs. After about a month, she finally called me to let me know that I had really hurt her feelings. I apologized and I reiterated that I was only joking with her, but I'm not sure I made things better because I pointed out that she had teased me when I had my hair cut that short, too. She reminded me that she's a lot more sensitive than I am and told me I should have known better. I apologized and thought we had worked everything out, but I haven't talked to her in over a year. I left her messages on her birthday, on Christmas, and on New Year's last year, but I haven't heard a peep in response so I decided to give her some space.

I miss her terribly and want nothing more than to have my friend back so should I call her and make another attempt to mend our relationship, or should I just respect her obvious decision not to talk to me and just leave it at that? — Cut Out Constance

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Relationship Protocol: After a Fight, Who Apologizes First?

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0800

I've definitely been in a few relationships where it felt like I was always the one apologizing after an argument — even when I knew it wasn't actually me who was in the wrong. Let's face it: Some people just can't say, "I'm sorry" first, regardless of the circumstance. So how is it in your relationship? After a fight, who typically apologizes first?
Source

Relationship Protocol: After a Fight, Who Apologizes First?

I always do.

My significant other always says it first.

It totally depends on who was wrong.

You Asked: Has Our Relationship Run Its Course?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and we’ve been through a lot already. Lately though, I’ve been contemplating whether or not we should keep this relationship going or if we have come to the end and are just denying it to ourselves. Love is not the problem because we really do love each other, but sometimes I feel that it's the only reason I want to stay with him. First of all, he has a job, but it is not stable so I fear that I won’t I have a financially stable future with him. Secondly, we fight three out of the five times we see each other. Usually it’s just about the small things, but sometimes I end up questioning our compatibility.

With our relationship, the saying “when it’s good, it’s good but when it’s bad, it’s bad” applies. We have broken up many times in the past few months but we keep getting back together because we love each other so much. While I don’t want to lose him, I don't want to continue on this path of doubt. Do you have any advice? — Cautious Caroline

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Before a Breakup, Try Relationship Boot Camp

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

It's normal for couples to disagree and fight from time to time. We argue about huge things like money, and little things like which TV show to watch. Sometimes if a couple isn't getting along, a little intervention may be necessary. You're probably familiar with couples counseling, but have you ever heard of relationship boot camp? It could be seen as the last shot to mending a broken connection or as relationship maintenance, like bringing your car in for its 30,000-mile tune-up.

Relationship boot camp workshops are cropping up all over since divorce rates are skyrocketing. Relationship specialist Terry Real thinks this is because people never learned the skills needed to connect to another person. In his three-day relationship boot camp workshop, he teaches the basics like how to communicate clearly and honestly, how to listen, how to deal with conflicts, and how to argue respectfully. Relationship miracles don't come cheap, though; be prepared to spend $1,500 a couple.

Is this something you'd be willing to try?

Source

A Do or a Don't: Withholding Sex as Punishment

DearSugar — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:00:00 -0800

Sex is a powerful tool. It's an act that you have the right to exercise when you see fit. When you're in a relationship, though, sex becomes a special bond that connects you with your partner. Since relationships aren't always wine and roses, it's not uncommon for people to withhold sex as a form of punishment during an argument, but doesn't that create a power struggle in an otherwise healthy relationship? What do you all think: Is withholding sex as a form of punishment a do or a don't?Source

A Do or a Don't: Withholding Sex as Punishment

A do

A don't

Dear Poll: Do You Ever Break the Tension With Laughter?

DearSugar — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 15:00:00 -0800

Couples fight, it just comes with the territory, but knowing when to call a truce takes a certain sense of humility. I've found that laughter helps to keep things in perspective so tell me, have you ever cracked a joke or started to giggle in order to keep the peace in your relationship? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Ever Break the Tension With Laughter?

Yes. Laughter is the best solution for fighting.

No. When I'm mad at someone, laughing is the last thing I want to do.

You Asked: Can I Still Have a Relationship With Them?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

When I was younger, around 14 or so, I got along great with my sister, who is 18 years my senior. She was my role model and we always had so much fun together. After I graduated from college and moved back home, my sister employed me as her babysitter. She became increasingly lazy and had me do things for her simply because she had a zit on her face or was just too lazy to do it herself. More and more I began to resent her because she rarely showed true appreciation for the things I did for her. With the help of my boyfriend and friends, I started to see that she was simply using me and not even treating me like a sister anymore, but almost like a slave. She paid me horrible wages and became a person I didn't want to be around.

I finally stood up to her — a huge shock to me and a very proud day. She was disrespecting our mother and I told her I had finally had enough of her trash-talking our family, not appreciating me, and taking me for granted. That was two months ago. She has a 16-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old autistic son. I love them very much and it pains me to not be able to see them. However, I recently contacted my niece and snuck over to her house while my sister was gone so I could spend time with them. I miss her family terribly and the sister I once knew, so my question is, do I contact her and further explain why I finally stood up for myself? Or do I wait for her to come to me? I just can't decide what to do since I feel as though I'm owed an apology. Also, how can I go about having a relationship with my niece and nephew who I love very much? I am past the point of truly forgiving my sister, but this tension is having an incredibly negative impact on my life. Please help! — Taken Advantage of Tina

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A Do or a Don't: Getting Emotional in Public

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Last night I went out to dinner with friends and we got seated next to a husband and wife who were clearly having an argument. They ate in silence and then halfway through their meal, she burst into tears. Though I know it's impolite to stare, we just couldn't help ourselves!

When you take your personal drama out in the public, one has to assume that people will not only eavesdrop, but feel slightly uncomfortable, too — an awkward situation for all! Sure, sometimes our emotions get the best of us, but is getting emotional in public — no matter what the circumstances — a do or a don't?

Source

You Asked: Did I Destroy Our Friendship?

DearSugar — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been broken up with my ex girlfriend for three months — we had been together for more than four years. After the breakup we talked occasionally and our friendship was pretty solid. She recently flew to another city for a job interview and we got into a fight. I had finally expressed my feelings to her for the first time so I had a lot of built up frustration. I did say things out of anger, but they were not insults, I simply told her that I felt she no longer took my needs into consideration. She became infuriated and told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I have called her multiple times asking her to listen to my explanation — that I was scared of losing her to a job faraway, but my attempts have been unsuccessful. I don't know how to keep the friendship together and although I am still in love with her, I am willing to just be friends so I don't lose her from my life altogether. I have told her that I will give her space, but I am scared that the space will make her forget about my great qualities and the good times we've had. Do you have any advice for how to keep the friendship together? — Holding on Henry

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Dear Poll: Do You Actually Have Makeup Sex?

DearSugar — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

The thrill and passion of makeup sex has long been thought of — in the movies at least! — as one of the wonderfully pleasant consequences of a fight. In reality though, most fights don’t end in a torrent of released sexual tension, but maybe it’s something you have to set up from the get-go. In any case, it seems more like a relationship anomaly than regular occurrence to me. So do any of you actually have makeup sex? Source

Dear Poll: Do You Actually Have Makeup Sex?

I’ve definitely had it before, but not regularly.

Yes, the majority of my fights end up getting steamy.

No way, the last thing I feel like doing after a fight is having sex.

Other — please share.