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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Am I an Online Dating Dud?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:00:00 -0800

E. Jean is still enjoying her time off, but don't fret, she'll be back December 4th! In the meantime, here's an oldie but goodie. Enjoy!

Dear E. Jean,

I know I’m old-fashioned, but I’ve never tried any of the dating sites. It is now time. Past time! (I’m 30 years old and haven’t had a date in seven months. Awk.)

Ok. So. I put my profile on Match.com. I worked hard trying to sound smart and funny and cool. Believe it or not, I was frightened I was going to get inundated with guys I didn’t want to talk to . . . and guess what? No guys — not one guy — wrote to me. Nothing! I’m just sitting there. What am I doing wrong? I feel like I should take my profile down! This is not for me! My friends get tons of notice and meet lots of guys, and one of my friends even married a guy she met on The Onion personals. I don’t get it. Help! — Dead on Match

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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Should I Let My Sister Move in With a Republican?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:30:00 -0800

E. Jean is still enjoying her vacation, but not to worry, she'll be back in two weeks! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this oldie but goodie!
Dear E. Jean,
This is about an awful man, thankfully not mine. My beloved sister is stylish, cute, well-educated, and recently managed to lose 60 pounds. Naturally once she got a rockin’ bod, she became a dude magnet. And he’s horrible! Eeee Jean! We are a family of food lovers, and his favorite restaurant is Chili's! He has an elite education, but he’s grossly overweight, knows a lot of lame trivia, and is a very conservative Republican with hideous taste. Her friends don’t like him, her family does not like him, but she is moving to a red state with him. No not red — crimson. Ew. No one has the guts to tell her he sucks, but nobody wants her trapped in a marriage with Mr. Ickington. What should I/my family do? — Nosy But Lovin Lil’ Sis

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Have an Affair?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’m married to a man who works 14 hours a day. When he finally gets home he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t ask how our 7-year-old son is, he only grunts, gets a bottle of water out of the fridge, sits down in front of his computer and does more work. He hasn’t thrown a baseball with our son once! When he’s home he’s either in front of his computer in his den or watching golf on TV. He’s so closed off and self-involved that when I suggest we actually play nine holes of golf together, he says his back hurts. He pays more attention to our Labrador than to me and his son.

We don’t eat dinner together (he usually eats with “important” clients), we don’t sleep together (he sleeps in the den), we haven’t gone to a movie or a restaurant in a year, and have not had sex in three years.

On the other hand, he’s a great provider and my life is rather pleasant. I have closets full of clothes, a new car, a personal trainer, and my son is going to the best country day school in the county. But my husband does not talk to me. Every day I try to be cheerful, upbeat, try to suggest fun “dates,” interest him in the neighborhood gossip, but nothing. I cook great meals, invite people over — he leaves our guests and goes and sits at his computer!

I knew my husband was a loner when I married him, I also knew our sex life was not the hottest thing going — but what do I do with no sex and no social life? Recently I met a very nice man at the dog groomer’s and we’ve been meeting for coffee. I love our deep conversation — I’m starting to feel human again! He makes me feel appreciated and like I have something to contribute to the world. I’m writing because a couple of days ago he kissed me and my world exploded. I’ve never wanted anything or anybody like I want this man. But I also don’t want to divorce my husband. What do I do? Nobody’s even listened to me in years, let alone kissed me! — Feeling Like New

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Can a Relationship Without Sex Work?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I'm trying to sort out my dilemma, which concerns the man I've been dating for two months — he's 34, me 30. We have an incredible amount of things in common, laugh a lot together, both have our ducks in a row career-wise and financially. We love surfing together, making dinner, biking, we've traveled together twice without a hitch, gee what a match!

Well after about a month of wonderful, he freaks out and doesn't call me one night we have plans. I call him the next day, and he tells me he had a freak-out because we’ve been having sex, which doesn't align with his Christian values. Now he knows it's wrong. So end result, he wants to date, but no more sex.

He's been engaged twice before, both ended by the ladies. He thinks he may have rushed into the engagements because he's Christian and believes in waiting until marriage for sex.

Another month goes by. He says I've been “amazing and sweet”. He says I’m fun and he likes that I don't play games. He says I "have all the qualities he would want in a girlfriend," but he's not there yet. My stunned response was "it's only been two months . . . we're still just getting to know each other, so dating is fine."

My questions: Am I being let down easy; should I get out now? I wonder why he wants to continue seeing me. I feel like on paper I'm his ideal, attractive, outdoorsy, fun, laid-back, low-maintenance woman but perhaps something is missing for him and he wants to make sure? Or is he just looking to not be alone? Would I regret it more if I ended it now (the constant flip-flopping is killing me), or gave it a chance only to have another whammy delivered later? Or am I overthinking it entirely and should just live my life and let the chips fall where they may?

Speaking of which, we have not had sex since “the talk,” and have barely fooled around, in fact he rarely touches me now — a big problem. He acknowledges that he's not very affectionate.

Help! I can't sleep, because I alternate between crying because I feel so rejected, and angry that he's so all over the map. That's my story. I feel like there’s potential with him, but is it worth it? Oh, I should comment that I am not Christian, but very supportive of his values, and thought it was so refreshing to date someone that believes in faithfulness and honesty and the sanctity of marriage. — Nauseated in San Diego

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Did I Upset Him That Much?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,
Last weekend I had a new guy over for dinner. I spent two days cleaning, one day cooking, and everything went fantastically until we started watching a movie after dessert and fooling around on the couch. I admit I had three cognacs, but as he was kissing me, I began laughing at the movie and at one point I started repeating some of the dialogue.

E. Jean, I couldn’t help myself. It was Dr. Strangelove. The guy is a movie buff and a big Kubrick fan! Anyway, once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop. I apologized about 50 times, but he got up abruptly, said "Thank you for dinner," made a dash for the front door . . . and left!

I got a text from him the next day that said "You’re the only woman I know who can cook like Martha Stewart and talk like Slim Pickens."

Obviously I hurt his ego. But must I remain totally silent when a guy starts making his moves on me? — Love Is Very Strange

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Tell My Best Friend That I Saw Her Fiancé Kissing Another Woman?

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

My hands are literally shaking as I type this. Tonight I saw my best friend’s fiancé kissing a woman in an Atlanta restaurant.

There’s no mistake. I’ve known this guy for five years, and they were all over each other — at one point he actually had his hand up her skirt and his tongue down her throat. No way was this an innocent “business” dinner. The weird part is neither he nor I live in Atlanta. My best friend, her fiancé and I all live in New York City. I happened to be in Atlanta for business. The fiancé owns a tech company and travels a lot. By some bizarre fluke we both ended up in the same restaurant.

He was so busy sucking this woman’s face, he didn’t see me. He’s never been a supportive, understanding guy, but he makes a lot of money, and my friend absolutely worships the ground he walks on.

What do I do? My friend is marrying this guy in October — in less than six weeks! The wedding, the reception, the dress, the food, the honeymoon, everything is finalized. Worse, they’ve just signed the contract on a very expensive loft in TriBeCa. They want to get pregnant by New Year’s. They've chosen their first child’s name. My best friend is walking around on air she’s so in love. I will never be able to look her in the face again. But I can’t tell her. It will kill her. Her parents will freak out. It’s a mess! Why can’t guys behave themselves?! — Sick to my Stomach

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: The Olympics Have Me Down, How Do I Get Motivated?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’ve been watching the Olympics. How do I get as motivated as these athletes? Watching all this extraordinary achievement makes me feel like such a loser. And the worst part is I can’t stop watching them.

I’ve been glued to the TV since they started, and I mean glued! Tonight while I watched the gymnastics I ate three bowls of cereal and a plate of lasagna! God! Am I the only person who's stopped exercising completely and is doing nothing but getting fat watching Shawn Johnson and Michael Phelps? I want to be successful, too!

I keep watching and hoping I’ll find out what their secret is, but nobody can put it into words. Should I just hire a life coach? — Coach Potato Girl

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: What Are My Rights?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean.

I write this and I don't know where to start or end, because it seems it’s gone on forever and I'm afraid of how it might end. I have a stepdaughter that I love like she were my very own. She has been in my life since she was born. She is now a very confused 24 year old.

Her own mother is and has been heavily involved with drugs my daughter’s whole life. After many attempts over the years, my husband and I finally got full custody of her at 10 years old. I thought and prayed we got her in time, but by the time she was 13 it all started coming out: Now we can't believe anything she says; she lies constantly and steals from us.

We have tried to get her in counseling, I’d make the appointments and she would not show up. She gets fired from most of her jobs. She hangs out with some very scary, druggy people. She’s almost gone to prison for a felony and managed to get out of it. She was raped at gun point twice and she still won’t stop.

If all this is not frightening enough, she now has a three-and-half-year-old son. She does not know who the father is. She slaps the child in the mouth, berates him for everything he does. If he’s being quiet she will agitate him till he fusses, puts him in timeout, and then harasses him the whole time.

I keep trying to talk to her about it. She won’t listen. Luckily she leaves him with us six or seven days a week. We pay for daycare. We buy all his clothes and we feel like he is our child. Sometimes she won’t call or see him for a week and then out of the blue she wants him overnight. He cries and says he doesn't want to go.

She has no patience with him and he’s such a sweet, smart little boy! He has an uncanny knack of reading people. I’ve spoken with a child psychologist and asked what the chances are of getting custody. He said the court would probably not take her parental rights away, and that they would merely recommend parenting classes.

The last time we tried to intervene, she took the child away from us for a week! He acted like a different boy when he came home. We can't risk putting him jeopardy. At this point we have him most of the time and I feel blessed about that, but I'm so afraid of what goes on when he’s with her and her friends. We don't have the money to hire a good attorney and I have looked in to hiring a PI; we couldn't afford that either. We feel stuck. All we want is to protect him before something worse happens. Any advise will be welcomed. — Aching Heart

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: How Can I Accomplish My Dream?

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I have an unusual dilemma. My mother and I would like to buy/obtain land in Ocala, FL, open a sanctuary and call it Willow Star Haven.

This will be a wellness center for the elderly, a no-kill animal rescue shelter with a vet on site, and a children’s center for kids with learning disabilities. My mother is already working on the getting the permits. But obviously it will require a lot of money to bring our dream to life. Can you give me some ideas for fund raising? We can’t afford to hire a fund-raising firm. — A Better Tomorrow

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: How Can I Catch Him?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Disclaimer: E. Jean is back this week with quite a doozy. I happen to think she's a wee bit harsh this time, but I thought it was only fair to let you chime in and tell us what you think of the advice she's offering Miss Mimi in Miami.

Dear E. Jean,

Hi! I’ve met a handsome doctor. Everyone likes him. He’s really awesome. I just want to get his attention, challenge him, and make him curious about me. Please give me some tips for an effective way to catch him. — Mimi in Miami

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