Dear Sugar,
I have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship with this guy for a year now, but lately he's been acting differently and I think he may be sleeping with other women. I asked him about it and he said he has slept with other women but it hasn't been recent.
I don't believe him, because recently I've found evidence of other women being at his place (another woman's hair on the bathroom floor, another woman's business card on his living room floor, and a condom wrapper in the trashcan, which he claims was used by his cousin who came to visit him).
I can't help but feel angry and betrayed. I feel it was a very selfish thing for him to do and also that he put not only his but also my health at risk. He says he doesn't want things to end, but I'm not sure if I can ever be with him again. I do want to be with him, but I don't want him to think it's OK to sleep with other women while he's sleeping with me. It's just too risky. I desperately need some advice. What should I do?
—Feeling Betrayed and Angry Amanda
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Feeling Betrayed and Angry Amanda,
I'm sorry to break this to you, but a "friends with benefits" relationship does not mean it is monogamous unless you both agree on that ahead of time. I would be upset if the guy I was sleeping with was sleeping around too, but you really don't have the right to be angry with him since you never made your expectations clear from the start.
Having a friend that you fool around with is just that, and nothing more. It sounds like you're ready for this this guy to be your exclusive so you've got to tell him that. Since he still wants to be with you, you need to discuss some rules about how you want your new relationship to be so neither of you end up angry or hurt. Tell him you don't want him dating or sleeping with anyone else but you, and that you will do the same. Tell him that before you have sex again, you should both get tested for all STIs, to make sure you're both healthy. Lay down whatever other rules you want, and I'm sure he'll have a few to add himself. If he likes this new arrangement, then it looks like you've found yourself a boyfriend.
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..i mean dissappoinment and stds...my bad once again.
The problem in your mind is that you concider this friends with benefits as a relationship.. Where I bet he doesn't
Therefore he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong and doesn't want to tell you because you'll get all freaky about it
This is your own fault for choosing a friends with benefits (which equates to..I like you enough to f*ck you, but not enough to be with you) rather then a healthy committed relationship which seems to be what you want..
So put on your big girl pants and walk away.. and next time realize you are worth it to actually have a real relationship