i don't knock stay at home moms...my own mom ran a daycare in the house so she could be home with us...and i think if you have the means, by all means stay home with your kids

my gripe is the stay at home moms (who i've encountered via my own friends and the friends of my two siblings) who sit at home, and literally do nothing, and don't participate in school things with their kids, don't volunteer, don't go on school trips, refuse to drive their kids places, and the working parents end up having to leave work early to chauffeur groups of kids around to this and that, while the moms who don't have jobs sit around and watch soaps...if you're going to be a stay at home mom, then be just that - a MOM...by sitting around watching soaps all day and grooming yourself, you're just unemployed.

Stay-at-home moms do NOT have it easy and I would never consider them as just sitting around all day and not working. People who work tend to assume they are doing far more by working and then being a mom. A stay-at-home can have it a lot worse than working mothers because they are assumed to have nothing to do all day when they may be busier because they are taken for granted. More power to you!

i tried this and that lasted a month i think stay at home moms are for some definitely not for me

I just have to say, I made the mistake of asking my cousin when she was returning to work. I didn't mean she SHOULD return to work, I just assumed eventually she would, and I thought she might like it if I asked a question about HER since she there had been so much focus on her baby. Her mother immediately snapped back, "this IS Cousin's work!"

I understand you want the support of your family and friends but it's possible that they entirely respect your decision, and are just asking out of curiosity. Or they could be jealous and trying to feel better about the fact that they weren't financially or emotionally able to stay home with their kids! Just smile and say, "I'm very fortunate to be able to stay home with my child, and I'm just trying to take advantage of that."

great post snowbunny -- my first thought was that they were probably jealous, but your situation with your cousin is just as likely to be the case.

I get jealous of my friends who are able to start families, and even more jealous when they get to stay home - but I go out of my way not to show it!

Skigurl: I am personally WAY too lazy to be a stay at home mom! If given the choice between watching tivo or doing laundry....my interests lie with Tivo! This is one of the reasons I would keep working, I flourish in a more structured, work environment. I would never admit that to my fiance, but when we're married and have kids, I think I'll be much more useful helping bring home the bacon! And obvs. helping with required housework....grudgingly...

Forgive. I think if you're going to have kids, you should be the one to take care of them. That's why I don't want kids - I want my time to be my own!

oh, me too snowbunny. even at my job now, i thrive on being busy, and when i am not under the gun to get something done, i sit around and go on sugar all day! so if given the opportunity to be at home while my kids were at school, i'd be watching tv and eating all day long.

but as i said, i give stay at home moms credit if they're doing their job by really actively raising their child in a way working moms can't, but if they're just lazy (like us!) then they're not being stay at home moms, they're just being lazy women with no jobs who happen to have kids

and further to that, it's just hard to hear people say "this is my job" when working moms technically have 2 jobs..they still clean, reare children, cook, but they also work 8 hours a day for an employer. i think both are honorable, and it's a personal choice, it just makes me angry that people get all defensive and holier than thou when it comes to staying at home with their children.

They're jealous.

I'm assuming that if anyone in your family were a stay at home mom themselves, they would know it is quite a job! Since they seem to think it is easy, I'm assuming that they worked instead and regret being able to spend that time with their children.

I'm a stay at home Mom - although I don't particularly care for that title. I consider myself a full time Wife and Mother. Both are jobs that require much more from me than any Corporate America job I've held in the past. Many people don't understand why one chooses to stay at home - whether it's the Mom or the Dad doing it. Many people are jealous or resentful that they don't think they have the same option to do so. Many people think that parents should work outside the home to provide a better financial base for the family. It's all a matter of opinions. What works best for your family is what you should do. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

As far as not volunteering etc. Take into consideration that many parents who stay home have multiple children. It's not so easy to be able to volunteer at school or chapperone a field trip when there are smaller children to be taken into consideratin and who in most cases are not allowed in the older siblings classrooms or on the field trips. And finding a babysitter, daycare etc. isn't always easy. Also not everyone has the gift of being able to help out with school things. For example, I'm great with my own children, I'm not very comfortable around other children though, especially large groups of them. And I'm a full time Mom to 4 children. There is so much to do for each child that it's about findng a balance. If I volunteered for everything at school, our household would suffer and so would my sanity. That being said, I don't sit around the house all day. I run errands for the family, I take care of the house, I take children to and from school 4 times a day (they're all on different schedules). I take them to dr's and dentist appointments. I handle social activities for the family too. Researching, planning etc. Cooking, shopping, laundry etc. So it's not all stay at home parents who sit around watching soaps all day. And I know skigurl didn't say all stay at home parents, but I think many people think that most of us do those things. I myself haven't watched a soap since I was in HS. and the only time our tv gets turned on is in the afternoons when the children are at home lol We just don't watch alot of tv.

snowbunny, I'm very much like you. I do so much better in a structured environment, and particularly with someone else giving me direction than having to do that on my own. I made the sacrifice of giving up a career for my family because we saw what a huge positive difference it made on the family - on the children specifically. And as they grow up, they express their appreciation of having me here at home when they're at school and when they get home from school. My oldest has told me several times that she likes knowing I'm at home available for her in case she should need me. And her grades took an immediate uphill climb when I "retired" from Corporate America to stay at home, almost 10 years ago now. I realize too that because of my choice I may never have a professional job again, I've been out of the work force for so long and will still be for several more years. Sure I can get a job at a retail store or something, but to have a career like I had before won't happen. And I'm completely ok with that. I'm very happy with my life and I feel very fulfilled with what I do. It's taken me several years to get to this point though -it's not an easy road even though some people think it is.

There is nothing to forgive... You made a decision with your life period. Being a stay-home-mom is a full time job. If taking care of a child is easy, then we wouldn't have mess up kids...

skigurl I completely agree with this statement: it just makes me angry that people get all defensive and holier than thou when it comes to staying at home with their children.

Like I said, I think each family should do what is best for their family. Neither choice (stay at home parent or working parent) is right or wrong. It just is. And the battles that I see or hear of between people with differing opinions on this drives me crazy. One side thinks the working parents are "selfish" or "lazy" the other side thinks the stay at home parents are "uneducated" or "lazy" (funny how both sides can use the lazy argument by the way lol). Just do what's best for your family and don't make a big issue over it. Walk your own path and allow others to do the same. ugh...

To each their own. I know plenty of people who could not do it, and they have admitted as much to me. However, I can't imagine not being here. Sure, I get my little breaks once in a blue moon (my Sugar time!), but for the most part, it's go, go, go! My little one just is 1 and walking and I very rarely have a moment to sit down.

At first, I'm fairly certain my husband thought I was not doing much. But after spending an afternoon with her, and now even if he does it just for the evening, he totally gets it. He'll usually say, "I don't know how you do it, babe."

Skigurl, I have the same gripe and for that reason I try to be exactly the opposite. I know of a couple of SAHM's that somehow find the time to do these various personal activities several times a week, and I do not know where the find the time. I'm lucky if I get a shower! Anyway, I do not have the TV on if she's awake. If she's up, I'm up. I make it my personal mission to give her as much stimulation as I can. I'm sure it's going to be interesting when the second one comes along. I don't know how I'll stimulate two to the extent that I stimulate her.

I'm rambling...but I definitely love my job .

I think the question is can we forgive the people who are judging her, not if we can forgive her.

Things like this annoy me to no end. Family or not, I can't figure out why people seem to think that they need give or have an opinion concerning someone else's life and MORE SO, to actually push their views on you.

Tell them that you LIKE being a stay at home Mom and that you would appreciate if they would respect you and your decision to stay home and you would also like it to be the end of that discussion.

You are an adult and you should stand up for yourself and your decisions (if you really feel the need). Really it's none of their business what you do and you shouldn't feel like you have to explain anything to anyone unless it's your husband/wife OR they are paying your bills for you.

"Things like this annoy me to no end. Family or not, I can't figure out why people seem to think that they need give or have an opinion concerning someone else's life..."

exactly Kristinh1012

and sorry I rambled on my novel of a post... I was just sharing what it's like for me as a stay at home Mom. I know it's different for everyone and we all have different gifts, talents etc. I do not think that staying at home with the children is for everyone, I don't think all families should do it. I can't emphasize enough that each family needs to do what is best for them.

I think being a mom/parent is the hardest job there is. I don't have kids and I marvel at some of my friends/coworkers who do, and work full time on top of it, but I feel staying home with the child can be a VERY tough job in and of itself, just different in some ways. Anyway, my hat goes off to all you moms, stay-at-home or not.

Why should you ask for forgivness for being a SAHM?

My mother stayed at home with us 3 kids for 16 years and I can tell you right off the bat it is NO easy job!

I give you HUGE props for being a stay at home mom. Congrats!! I think your friend and family should mind their business and stop being rude. Unfortunately I don't think what they are doing is not unforgivable just incredibly rude. Tell them to be quiet. Best of luck to you!

forgive! being a stay-at-home mom is a fulltime job. not only that, it's a shift that never ends. lol. no one should be knocking you for it.

You're a grown ass woman. Do what you wanna do!

I have two children and I would LOVE to be a stay at home Mom. With 2 kids and a full time job it's really hard for me to keep up with everything and being a neat freak doesn't help. So I feel me and my children are deprived of very precious time together. I would love to have my days to be at home with my kids and doing the Millions of daily chores I need to do so I can spend good quality time with my family in the end.

But financially, it's not possible for me. You should feel very lucky and be proud of what you do. It's not your problem if they cannot understand the value of your job.

what is there to forgive? it's great that you want to and can be at home with your kids. better than being a stay at home mother who hates it.

yea...what is there to forgive? They didn't do anything wrong to you. They just have a wrong perception of how you go abut your life because they don't understand it and because they could not picture how you do it unless they experience it.
Just let go of whatever that resents you. They never did you wrong or if they did, they are unaware of it because it's not wrong to perceive that idea because of wrong notions. Afterall, they didn't do you harm.
As what Kristinh said--it's not your problem if they don't understand. Enjoy your "job" because no one else feels the pleasure of it as much as you do.

Kimpossible, thanks for your post! I certainly take my hat off to you and every other SAHM out there! Staying home with my son isn't an option for me, but if it were, I would so be there!

I agree with other posters that maybe these people are jealous, or feel guilty for their decision not to stay home with their kids. Figure out a standard reply when the subject is broached and have that be your only response to questions about returning to work, blah blah blah....eventually, these people will either get it, or get so sick of hearing the same response over and over and will shut up! Bravo to you and every other mom (or dad!) who stays home!

My mom was a career mom and she is definitely what inspired me to do the same with my life, try hard at school, etc. I think I would have been annoyed having her around the house all the time when I got into my teen years. My dad owned a business and was able to run it from home, so I was lucky enough to have him there growing up. However, my parents are now divorced and my mom is functioning as a single working mom to my 8 year old sister. She is def not getting the same kind of attention and guidance I did when I was young, so I don't know what in the world is going to happen with that girl. She's very smart but is showing a lot of behavioral/emotional problems already. Personally, I plan to get back into school full time and work ASAP after my child is born.

At least in my area, it seems like a lot of the SAHM "moms" have nannies working for them whilst they run important errands like getting their hair and nails done and shopping during the day. Not to mention they turn themselves into plastic surgery clowns by age 35... That's just what I saw with many of my friends' parents, but I'm sure it's not the case in many of the situations too.

That was pretty long-winded. Back to the original question - If you want and are able to genuinely devote 100% of your time to your child's development, then that is a beautiful thing. I can understand why family would be judgemental about it, especially on the husband's side, but if you show them that by skipping on the career you are enriching the children's lives I'm sure they will learn to appreciate what you are doing.

I think it's amusing that just a few decades ago women were being looked down upon for leaving the house and entering the work force ("abandoning the children and responsibilities") and now that some women choose to be a SAHM, once again, there is backlash. I think the family should be forgiven for just going along with a mentality that a lot of people carry. However, I don't think that they should continue to press the issue. It would be smart to nicely but firmly let them know that their comments are starting to annoy you and that what you choose as your job is up to you, not them. If you're starting to resent them, that means that the relationships are being worn thin and I'm sure they don't want that to happen, so let them know to start keeping those opinions to themselves. If they do bring it up switch topics immediately, if they ask why, say you're not going to discuss that with them and move on.

haha AnnaLove, your poing about the plastic surgery clown moms is just my point - you shouldn't really be considered a SAHM if all you do is get your hair and nails done! but for the moms that actually reare their children and improve issues the kids might have with school or behaviour etc. then that's just great.

i don't think the argument: "i'm so busy, I run errands for the family, I take care of the house, I take kids to school, I take them to appointments, i cook, i clean, i shop, i do laundry" is a very good selling point for stay at home moms, considering my mom does that stuff too - PLUS SHE HAS A JOB WORKING 8.5 HOURS A DAY FOR A COMPUTER SOFTWARE COMPANY. plus all her kids have always gotten great grades and have never been in serious trouble, and are all social and well-rounded

stay at home moms shouldn't have to defend themselves. but just because you do all those things doesn't make you supermom. you have 24 hours a day in which to do it, and working moms only have 15.

and if you did have it easy as a stay at home mom WHY would you need to change that???? if you are happy and it works for your family that's all that matters. i'm sure there are some choices those people have made that you don't agree with.

i went on a field trip with my 3rd graders class the other day and a couple of the mothers had to take the day off to go. they were all over me about when i was going back to work, you're not using your education, yadda-yadda-yadda. finally i said "i hated working and hope NEVER to work again". that shut them up.

with your friends and family i'm surprised they aren't thrilled for you that you found your life's passion in your family. sad for them that it would be such a stretch.

I love how commenters are popping up in this thread to demonstrate the exact attitude the poster is getting from her family. Perfect illustration!

As for the original post, go ahead and forgive them. lolababy makes a great point - it doesn't really seem to matter what choices women make, society is right there to judge them and to decree what real women should be doing.

If you are happy in your choices, that's all that should really matter. Whether or not people think you are actually doing anything, whether or not people feel the need to compare and contrast what you are doing with what other mothers are doing, whether or not people think your choices would be right for them are all irrelevant judgments.

One more thing - I'm not sure when "who does the most" became the measure of "who is the best". Or why we even have to decide what is harder and what is best and pretend that there's a one size fits all answer to those types of questions.

I can say that I'm going back to work in a few months after staying home with my kids for 5 1/2 years and I'm really looking forward to getting judged by holier than thou stay at home moms and getting some relief from the holier than thou working moms.

great posts licketysplit and jennifer76 -- it shouldn't be an issue of whose working harder, SAHMs or working mothers! All that matters is her happiness and the stability of her family!

its a personal choice and no one has a say in it other than u and ur immediate family. u dont tell them they should stay with their kids, so they shouldnt tell u to go back to work. if they try to make u feel bad, confidently explain ur decision once, and if they persisit, b*tch back at them.

i personally wouldnt want to put any kids i have in the future in day care. my sister did. i dont judge her and she wont judge me. each family is different. period.

I think that being a stay at home mom is a job!! I remember reading that if they paid SAHMs it would be over $100k a year. My mom stayed home with us and while I know I literally won't be able to afford to do the same, I hope to work out an alternate schedule so I have at least 3 full days with my kids a week.

I guess forgive your family - but explain to them that you have an important job already.

They're your friends so ask them to spend a day or two with you while your at home doing what you do. I think that people dont respect a stay-at-home-mom job because they do not fully understand exactly what that job entails. Of course, each household is different so the day to day work will be different. Once they get a feel of what it is that you do; I think they'll understand and respect your decision to stay home, raise your kids and run your household 24/7 - which is really rare now-a-days.

You know, society's views has changed a lot about women staying at home. Way back in the day - like hundreds of years ago, the man went out and work and provided the needs for his family, and the woman took care of the kids, cook, and cleaned. And this is also referenced in the bible. And personally, I think this is a great way of handling the household - IF and only IF everyone is doing their part. Now if you call yourself a stay at home mom and aren't doing anything, then I can very well understand why your friends are asking you questions like "When are you going back to work?' But, if you are fulfilling all of your duties - being there for the kids when they need you, running all errands, keeping the house cleaned, making sure food is cooked, etc, then by all means, do your thing and let your friends know that you do have a job and IF you feel the need to go back to work, then you will. But dont worry about no one else says about you. Like I said, if you are handling your business, then you know you are doing ok. Let it be.
Me personally, I have no choice right now but to work, and I'm ok with that, but in a perfect world, I wouldnt mind staying at home while my kids are small and my husband (if I had one) goes out and works and I would definitely fullfill my wife and mother duties.

A stay at home Mom is the most important and rewarding job, ever, imo. It's also 24/7 non-stop work and a complete life style change. I would just try to let those kind of comments roll off your back, if you can (because, obviously, these people making comments don't know any better or they're just jealous). I really hate how society has ingrained this whole..both parents have to work thing. If, you're lucky enough to be one of those people, who can stay at home raising your children...more power to you. So, I say forgive them...because, they don't know what they're talking about.

Well anyone who thinks a SAHM's job is easy has never stayed home with their kids. So if they've never done it, how could they possibly understand it? Of course you should forgive them, fretting over some false assumptions that people have of you is a complete waste of time.

Thank you to everyone who gave props to SAHM's!!

I can't think of anything more important than staying home and taking care of my children and my home. My only future career plans include more children and then educating them.

I don't get the poll question - forgive HER for the fact that she likes being a stay at home mom?