I understand how you'd feel. If I had to plan a wedding, I'd have a long list of people who I'd WON'T invite. But anyways, I'll still extend the invitation to your aunt because in the end, it's your mother's wishes and your elderly grandfather would probably like to see everyone come together because it may be ::knock on wood:: one of the few events he'll get to attend. I'm sure no drama will come out of it because we're all adults here. It's your day not theirs. Good luck!

You mentioned that you and your fiance are paying for the wedding, so I think it is very fair for you to invite only the people you want. If your family memembers make a big deal out of it, just say it politely "My fiance and I are saving money for a house, a car, kids..." that should shut them up. if not, show them your budget and say "that's all we can afford, please contribute if you other people to attend." No matter what, this is YOUR day - CHERISH IT! You should be the center of attention!

Great advice Dear!

And tomatoshirt is right too YOU'RE paying so you should invite only the people YOU want.

My mom wants me to invite them to keep peace in the family for my 90-year-old grandfather.

He's 90!! Do you think he really cares?!!

Anyway, it's your wedding. Do what makes you happy, don't do what doesn't.

Ive been in a similar situation.

You should invite them.

Because if it is true, as you say, that there is a long history of ill will, numerous verbal blowouts, and that she hasn't even acknowledged you with a call, card, or a gift, then I can almost guarantee you 100% that they wont even show up.

Think about it; if thats the kind of people they are, they arent going to go through any effort to get dressed up and come.

And that way, it is making you guys look like "the bigger person", and it makes them just look sh*tty as usual!

Tactfully tell him that they weren't able to attend. If he knows the history, he won't be upset. It's your day, be happy and have a great time and enjoy your life without a look back on the family that make you unhappy.

Are you really supposed to give engagement gifts now? Seriously? Because shower gifts and cards and wedding gifts and cards aren't enough?

And you are holding that against your Aunt?

I'd be more on your side if you'd left that little petty part out of this, about how your engagement wasn't acknowledged with a phone call, card, or gift.

I'm going to go out on a LIMB here and say that you probably didn't phone her up to tell her, and that she heard it through an email, or the grapevine.

Anyway, it's YOUR day blah blah, screw what your mom and your elderly grandfather want.

Of course you don't HAVE to invite them. But there is this thing called graciousness or selflessness in which you understand that maybe your wants and desires, in the scheme of things, are less important than the wants and desires of others.

My good friend was in this situation, and she didn't invite her relatives that she hadn't talked to for a while. It's YOUR wedding, YOU'RE paying for it, and so it's up to YOU to decide who is going to be there. If she wanted to be there she should have acknowledged your engagement.

Leave them out! You are under no obligation to invite them.

Your grandfather is 90 just tell they were there and he'll never know the difference.

I have a branch of my family tree that is rude, ill-mannered, at every wedding they get extremely drunk and actually get into FISTFIGHTS, and one was even accused of attempting to rape someone in the parking lot at a family wedding. Needless to say I did not want to invite them to my wedding. At first my mother actually wanted to still invite them (!!!), but I reminded her of how they behave at weddings (one of them threw up all over the place at my sister's wedding) so she said she understood and everyone was fine with it.

DON'T invite the biotch to your wedding! I never understand people who invite people that they don't even like or can't stand to their wedding! Its your day, your paying for it, you would be a fool to bring extra uneccessary rude people to your wedding, that you don't even get along with. Especially knowing they don't even like you. Who cares what she or anybody else thinks, I wouldn't even think twice about it!

P.S. He's freaking 90 years old IF he notices just distract him with something else, or say she couldn't make it!

Of course you don't HAVE to. You can either treat your wedding as a day in which you want all the things that make you the happiest or you can treat it as a family celebration where you include all the things that make important members of your family the happiest. There are legitimate reasons to go either way, and since you are paying for it all you get to decide which way to go.

Do note, though, that regardless of your justifications for choosing not to include certain members of your family, there is no justification that will appease everybody. In other words, just because you have every right to exclude those people it doesn't mean that everyone will see it that way and happily skip on down the path.

I'm in a similar situation... only mine is more like Brooklynbee's. I have an aunt and cousin and my cousin's kids that I don't want to invite. They drink, cuss, do drugs, the kids are wild and unruley (sp?), and I don't get along with them. The last time I saw my aunt she called me fat! I had gained some weight, but I am not fat. I'm afraid of the situation that could happen at my wedding. I do want to invite my other aunt and gma, but I don't want to upset them b/c I am not going to invite the crazy aunt. And I'm not planning on a small wedding so I can't use that. I don't want to hurt feelings, but it is MY and MY SOs' day!! And I am not going to sacrifice it for anything or anyone else. And You shouldn't either!

I disagree with the person who said that they won't attend so just invite anyways... b/c why take the chance? If you know that it is going to be horrible if they are there... don't do it! Don't take the chance!

it's your day...you dont have to invite people that you dont want to be there!
i'm dealing with the same thing right now...and we decided to not invite a bunch of people. if anyone has a problem with it they can take it up with me

I agree with Dear Sugar's advice. Simply do not invite them, and if questions are asked afterwards, all you have to say is that it was a small wedding.

Brides and grooms are NEVER obligated to invite people to their wedding, especially when they are paying for everything themselves. That's the beauty of being independent!

Popgoestheworld - I totally agree with what you said.

My cousin recently became engaged and didn't bother to tell any of my immediate family. My siblings and I are not invited to the wedding because it is to be a small event.

I respect that.

What I don't respect, however, is the tacky way in which this all took place (no notification of the engagement and then a very tacky email telling us we weren't invited). I have never been anything but kind, warm and friendly to my cousin and I have to admit that this hurt my feelings!

Now I'm in a predicament - do I send her a wedding present, out of grace, or do I not send one because I wasn't invited?

You are under no obligation to invite anyone you don't want to be there. My older sister and I have an odd relationship and I took a chance and invited her to my destination wedding (that me and my guy paid for) and my father paid for her to attend (as an alternative to helping us with wedding expenses). All she did was complain, bully my guests when I wasn't around, attempt to ruin my relationship with my in-laws, and make a lot of people feel uncomfortable. Here I am four months later and she is is acting more inappropriately than ever towards me and inviting her is one of the very few things I wish I could have done over with my wedding.

There was not one single relative besides my two children that were blood relatives at my wedding. It's so trivial to me that I do forget that I had to explain quickly to my soon-to-be mother in law that I had no family she'd want anywhere near her or her family. She was very gracious and didn't force me to tell her why. You all know more from my posts than she does. But if she asked, I'd tell her.
To take this stance and be secure with your choice, you have to know it's the right thing for you. It has to feel right for you.

And no, there shouldn't be any engagement gifts.
Can you say greedy bridezilla? Not saying you are, but enough is enough people!

LOOL I agree with Tidal Wave, you have more important things to worry about when your ninety than if one person shows up to your grand daughters wedding!

it'd your wedding,it's small. invite whoeverthef*ckyouwant.
inviting them to the wedding will not solve or help the problems between family members at allllll

Here's the deal. It is YOUR wedding. Invite who YOU want to invite. And to mn48225- in a perfect world yes we are all adults but trust me when I say that we do no live in a perfect world. I had to invite a great number of people to my first wedding whom I didn't want to and, yes, there was unnecessary drama, not to mention some really white trash people in attendance. For my second wedding hubby and I limited the number of people and excluded those whom we did not want there. It is your day and you are the one who has to deal with the memories from it for the rest of your life...choose wisely.

I'm in a similar situation...I don't want to invite my aunt and her family...they're sh*tty, sh*tty people...but my mom is trying to convince me out of ...what would people say...be the bigger person...they probably won't show up...but...what if they DO SHOW UP???

All I can think of is the awkward conversation and all the pretend-to-like efforts I would have to go thru....on my wedding day...no thank you...

In this case...
I'm not the bigger person
I don't give a rats ass what people think
and YEAH...I'm a b*tch!
I'm cool with it.

If you don't want to invite her don't. However, I have never heard that people were supposed to call you, send you a card, or buy you an engagement gift. That one must have totally gone over my head when I got married.

I wouldn't invite them if you think they will make the day more tense. If you think problems will arise, then DON'T invite them just to appease people.

My family has had its shares of "issues", as well...my mother and her sister don't really speak anymore (LOTS of ill will), and when it came time to deciding whether or not to invite my aunt to my wedding, the decision was easy. I knew it might "keep peace", but I also knew she'd make my mom miserable and on edge the whole day and I would never do that to her.

don't invite them. this is YOUR wedding.

Invite her. Send it out to the universe that she won't come, and if she does, she's there to be pleasant. If you don't get along, it's unlikely she'll want to be there, but it's best to extend the olive branch. It's worked for every wedding I've been to that've had trouble with the guest list.

amybdk - If it were me, I'd want to be the better person and send her a gift - something small that's not to expensive, but will serve as an acknowledgment of her wedding and your good wishes for her.

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I'm REALLY surprised at all the comments about the grandfather's age meaning that he wouldn't noticed who's at the wedding or would be easily distracted or wouldn't care. My mother is 86 - not that far short of 90 - and she's still sharp as a tack (if somewhat less meddling than she used to be - thank the Gods!) Believe me, she'd know who did or didn't get invited and would have plenty to say on the subject! ::

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As for the OP - as others have said, it's your day and your money, do as you think is best. But I have to agree, expecting a card or gift from someone for your engagement is a bit much.

It is your wedding and your choice who you want to be there to celebrate your happy day. Your mom should respect your decision instead of guilt tripping you about it. I don't get why she would even want them there if she has not gotten along with them either?! If you are not close with them, you are not obliged to invite them. It's that simple.

Janine22, moms are sometimes just weird about weddings. Even though my husband-to-be (at the time) and I were paying for the ceremony, our wedding outfits and everything else except for the reception (which my parents were paying for,) my mom felt it was her place to stick her nose into EVERYTHING from the colour and style of dress that I wore (ESPECIALLY the colour of my dress!) to our invitations and choice of church. My dad finally had to remind her that she'd already had *her* wedding and that this was mine. (Oh, how I love my father!) So a mother thinking it's her place to "suggest" who should or shouldn't be invitied doesn't see at all odd to me, sad to say

I am in the same situation ...but the oldy diffrence with mine is that my dad's side of the famly does not even know I am seeing anyone...and I am getting married in 6 months. That side of the family is very loud and rasist (I am a black girl marring a white boy) I just don't know how they will take it.

So my mom and I thought up the plan of sending their invite really late. So it would be really hard for them to take time off and make it to the wedding on time. Thus...we sent them the invite...so they cant get mad at us and there is a big chance they can not make it.

Good Luck with your situation.
I hope it works out.

GREAT advice... we're in a similar situation with both sides of our family and are concerned that if we invite some family members, there could be huge problems. Our perspective is that we want the people who mean the most to us as we begin our life together. DEAR said it - this is your day, not your mom's!