Dear Sugar,
I need to start off by saying that every man who has ever been in my life since I was born has been, to put it bluntly, a jerk. My mom's boyfriends/husbands cheated on her, hit her, and abused her emotionally and psychologically. In my dating life, I've also come across quite a few of these types — cheaters, liars, and abusers. I know I don't deserve to be with a person like that, which is why I'm in a relationship now with an amazing guy. We live together and things are going well, but I can't seem to get past the seriously crippling anxiety that something is going to go wrong. I want to get past this more than anything — I want to be able to completely trust the person I love with all my heart, but it's just so hard for me. I know that not all guys are jerks, and I know I have a great one. I just need help finding a way to redefine men and relationships in my mind. Any advice would be sincerely appreciated. — Apprehensive Annabelle
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Dear Apprehensive Annabelle,
Since you've only been exposed to bad relationships and men who disrespect women, it's no wonder that you're inclined to expect the worst in your own relationship, but if you continue to try to find fault in someone, you eventually will. No one is perfect, but if your boyfriend treats you well and if you have the foundation of a good, healthy relationship, it's time to put your past behind you so you can actually enjoy what you have.
The fact that you know that you don't deserve to be treated poorly is the first step in breaking the cycle. Have you thought about seeing a therapist so you can work through your anxious thoughts and fears? I think you said it best: Redefining men as you know them is key, but you need to realize that it won't happen overnight. Being honest with your current boyfriend will also make a world of difference as will trusting yourself to know that he won't necessarily hurt you. All it takes is one person to prove that all men aren't the same, but if you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, you could in turn be pushing someone wonderful away. Opening up your heart after being hurt in the past can be incredibly scary, but taking a risk can be equally rewarding. As hard as it might be to take that leap of faith, I advise you to push yourself — you'll never know the outcome unless you try.
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I agree with DearSugar about possibly seeing a therapist. You seem like you have taken the first step which is at least giving a realtionship a try. There are still good guys out there and they want to be with someone like you! Focus on the positive aspects of this guy and do not search for something to be negative. Every relationship has its ups and downs....
By the way...I've never understood the expression "waiting for the other show to drop....."