I agree with DS. Honesty is the best policy. Trust me, when you are living a lie, it can kill you. Your bf sounds like a good guy...he moved just to be close to you. Not many guys would do that. Unfortunately you messed things up, though. Your bf deserves to know the truth...he deserves to have someone that wouldn't cheat on him. I don't know, it just seems to me that you really aren't sorry. Maybe you don't care about him as much as you say.

I am an honest Abe but I also know that lots of cheating bastards in the many senses of the word... Be it intimately, profesionally, financially whatever achieve success.

I hate it but thats the way it is, In Spain for example the bigger Ahole y ou are, the more successful you are

honestly, i think you should drop it. forgive yourself, move on and don't do it again. the guilt will go away if you let it. just don't do it again. i don't see any need to upset your boyfriend if things are going well, just don't do it again. have i mentioned not doing it again? what he doesn't know isn't going to hurt him.

i think you'll be fine. good luck.

I'm with L7 completely on this one.

As a person who a cheated on a BF in the past, I feel like being dishonest is not healthy for any relationship. If you want to spend forever with this guy you have to have a strong foundation of honesty and trust. You may have to start over with him as far as the trust goes, but I think that is best for the relationship.
I know that men aren't intuitive, but like a lot of people who are being deceived, he might sense that something is wrong.

Good luck.

I have heard arguments both ways on this. If you cheated on him to the extent that you could have compromised his health (as in, sex without protection), then you owe it to him to tell him so he can go get checked out by a doctor. If you made out with a couple guys, then I don't know if you should tell him. Why?

Because it will hurt him. You did something, you feel guilty, and now you want to rid yourself of the guilt and unburden the pain on to him? The guilt is your punishment for what you did.

If you do it again, just break up with him. But if you truly in your heart of hearts want to be with this guy forever and will never cheat again, I vote for sucking it up.

It's a close call though.

Bluejeanie.... ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Talk about bad advise. I can not believe that you said that. Are you a cheater also?

Sweetheart if you love him at all you will be honest and tell him. First of all you cheated, thats your own choice/prerogative WHATEVER. Why be in a relationship if you are going to cheat. Not once but TWICE. I am sorry but I hate it when people cheat and then blaim it on the alcohol. Own up to your mistakes. Don't live a lie, and let someone think that you actually love them/care about them/never cheat on them. How would you like if he did this to you.

I don't understand how you people are giving the adivse not to tell him.

This world is going downhill. I hope my brothers never get in a relationships with girls like you.
Don't get in a relationship if you are going to cheat. HELLO COMMON SENSE!

i agree with popgoestheworld. the guilt is your punishment. unless you had unprotected sex where you could have exposed him to disease, i don't see any reason to tell him. it sounds like these were drunken mistakes rather than having a full-blown relationship. you feel bad because you are a good person and you want to be with him. making him feel bad isn't going to fix the fact that you messed up. just look in yourself, forgive yourself and don't do it again.

I agree with Blue and Pop. Face it you screwed up guilt is your punishment sweetheart so suck it up. Ilove get over yourself there is absolutely nothing wrong with woman like us we live in a place called reality and sometimes it is not perfect.

He brought up the topic about cheating/honest - more than likely he already has some idea.

Come clean. Eventually it will leak out and he needs to hear it from you.

thanks, cubadog. sometimes, sh*t happens. and then you learn from it and move on.

It sucks, but I think you may always wonder what it would be like to date another guy as long as you date your bf. Maybe you could consider taking a break and re-evaluating your relationship and what you're looking for? Sometimes, a break is all you need to realize that he was the perfect guy for you all along and you don't want to really date other guys (or not).

Ilove2ski, I COMPLETELY agree with you! I am beyond surprised that people are advising her NOT to tell him. Sheesh....people REALLY don't like to face the CONSEQUENCES they deserve! Ridiculous! Suck it up??? Honestly, if you don't tell him, I hope it comes back to bite you in the butt. Hopefully you run into the guy that you cheated with, and you all can have a nice little chat. Then your bf will REALLY hate you for not telling him the truth. STOP thinking about yourself and come clean. Whatever he does, you deserve...

Oh, and I guarantee you that if you were a GUY, everyone would be letting you have it. I don't see why it should be different just because you are a girl...

Just for the record, I have never cheated on my boyfriend so I'm not giving advice in order to justify some behavior of my own. It's just... I don't know. Like I said, it's a really tough call. I think there is a difference between a couple drunken kisses and a full blown affair. And if she truly has committed to him then maybe it's just better to let it go. I definitely think if happens again she needs to tell him. She doesn't sound like a bad person - just really confused...

That said, I should have commented more on the fact that I do think she needs to take a long hard look at herself and her relationship and ask herself if she really does want to be with him forever. Many people who settle down at a young age feel like they are missing out on something. She will need to get over that before marrying - otherwise she might always have a little doubt.

i agree with bluejeannie-don't tell him. For the record-i don't cheat on my husband nor have ever cheated on a boyfriend. I had a friend in college who dated her boyfriend through high school and college and after. They both cheated on each other and broke up and dated others many times. However, she was my roommate after college and while they were together, they both cheated and never told each other. i saw it from her end-more than once-not a great way to be-BUT they finally got it all out of their systems. They got engaged and married after 8 rocky years together. THey married at 25-they have now been married 18 years and have one child. She is regional director of a major company and he is an accoutant. THey have NEVER cheated and have had a great marriage. Sometimes it is just about age and getting things out of your system. I wouldn't recommend it but you never can tell. Just my opinion. And don't be too harsh to judge. I have seem this more than once with my friends who have all ended up being happily married.

not all my friends did this but hey-who knows what will happen in life. Good luck!

imho, telling him would be for you, not him. what will he get out of it? you aren't going to do it again, you know it was wrong and it's OVER. if however you cheat again i think the "right" thing to do would be to tell him about all 3 episodes and then end the relationship. tell him you aren't capable of being in a committed relationship and that's that. so shape up now

ilove2ski and all the others talking about owning up to consequences.... that is exactly the point! She cheated, now she feels guilty, and that IS her consequence. By telling him what she did, she is going to devastate him. That is going to make him miserable, but make her feel better about herself because she was "open and honest." He doesn't deserve that.... he doesn't deserve to be hurt to help relieve her guilt. If this was me, I would break up with him. Break up with him because you obviously cannot handle a committed relationship, go be young and crazy, and then see about growing up and settling down. But seriously, what exactly does telling him accomplish? It doesn't change what you did, it just makes him miserable... misery loves company, but he doesn't deserve that.....

ARE YOU KIDDING ME! That is her consequence? Why should he have to be with a cheater. How UNFAIR is this to him.
I am sorry this whole thing disgusts me. It is kind of funny how you say its fine she is never going to do it again. Didn’t she say that the first time? I’m sorry but I have ZERO respect for the poster, and the ones telling her to keep it a secret. This seriously makes me sick. Karma is a b****!!! A lot of you guys are married, and are saying that it is ok, for her not to tell him. Would you have wanted your husband to do this, and not tell you? Yeah, I don't think so.
Do whatever you want honey. I can't believe the sin that goes around in the world, and then everyone justify's it with alcohol. No your not married to him, but you were with him for a long time, and he moved somewhere for you. Get over yourself. I help Karma comes back to you. You don't even sound like your sorry.

I like how you guys are saying he doesn't deserve to be miserable by her telling him. So instead, they should live a lie. And he should be with someone who thinks is faithful, when in reality that isn't the case. SMART
Do you guys not have a conscience?

I don't know, I should preface my response with the fact that i have an extreme opposition to cheating. Not that anyone thinks it's great but I hear this stuff and it makes me physically ill.
What gets me here is that you did it TWICE once maybe you could chalk up to all of the excuses listed above. But twice seams like you have some issues that you need to deal with personally.
The telling not telling debate is so hard. I ask myself what i would want if my bf is cheating on me. I think it would be for him to tell me, although ignorance is bliss. I know personally i never would have been able to go anytime at all not coming clean to him.

TINA!

ilove2ski, i'm not interested in dating your brothers, no worries for you. in response to your questions: no, i do not cheat on my husband. yes, i do have a conscience. thanks for asking.
i just think most people deserve forgiveness and happiness if he or she has shown remorse and doesn't become a serial offender, sorry if that offends you to the point that it 'makes you sick'.

only other comment that i have is-i hope they can work it out and be happy-isn't that what it is all about? besides-in 20 years if they are still together-and married-it won't matter it takes a lot of hard lessons to grow up and realize what you have. No one is perfect.

Yeah no one is perfect, but you owe it to your partner to be HONEST and FAITHFUL. I am sorry not many of you have morals.
Bluejeanie she is a repeat offender. Did you not read what she wrote? She cheated twice.
I just don't think it is fair for someone to think that they are with someone faithful, when in reality that isn't the case.
At the end of the day you have to live with yourself, and you will have to face god.
Do what you want. I don't respect your opinions or actions. Its just sad that you people are married and saying yeah whatever cheat, as long as it doesn't become a habit then don't tell your partner. But, I am only 20 years old and I can see that you need to be a honest and faitful person. I don't mean to bash on you all, but seriously how could you give someone that kind of advice?

Bluejeanie.... When you were dating your husband would you have given him the advice.. Go cheat on me, just don't be a repeat offender, and don't tell me about it?

Probably not.

i love to ski-talk to me in 10 years when you find out life is not as you always expect. People marry and divorce-friends that you thought would never do that.People cheat on spouses-again people you never thought would do that. It is not always so cut and dry and things are not always what they seem. I am not condoning cheating. I am saying that sometmes things happen and people do things that are not what they expect or what they expect life to hand them. If this girl has learned her lesson and is working on her issues, good for her. She is a lot further in the game of life then a lot of people that I have met in their 40s and 50s. If she cheats again-then she should get out of the relationship and move on. Clearly, she had some issues in the past.

Angelbaby2.. Yeah life is not what you expect; however you should EXPECT FOR YOUR PARTNER WHO LOVES YOU TO STAY FAITHFUL. And if for some reason they are unfaithful you should EXPECT THEM TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.
You are saying its ok to cheat once, just don't tell you partner. Sorry.. I don't need to talk to you in 10 years. I have 7 brothers and I have seen a lot about relationships. And my parents have been married for 33 years. I have seen what it takes to be in a faithful relationship if you put god first, and then your partner. You are supposed to be honest no matter what happens. I am sorry you live your life thinking that she shouldn't tell her partner, and its ok to live a lie. Whatever that’s your prerogative. I am done posting about this, because in this world few people have morals. Whatever happened to the golden rule? Did they not teach you that when you were younger, or do you not live be that any longer? I don't understand the if she cheats again she should get out. She has already cheated twice. I think if she gets out of the relationship now, then don't tell him. But, if she is going to stay with him, then he has a right to know.
How would you life if this was happening to you? Or your best friend was the girl, and the guy had cheated on your best friend. You would probably be really upset.

Wow a lot of really convoluted responses. 1. if you have long term interest in staying with this fellow you'd better come clean - the worst thing that could happen is that you end up together longer with this unresolved and he finds out that you were cheating and lying to him about it. This is why bluejeanie's recommendation is so offbase, lies of this magnitude need to be dealt with not swept under the rug 2. You should most likely not be with this fellow if you are that easily swayed to cheating on him multiple times for "excitement" 3. By not coming clean, you are basically establishing a model you can repeat in the future. If you accept that you can get away with cheating and not coming clean now, you will most likely repeat that pattern later. 4. Do unto others, as you would have done to you.

BLUEJEANIE, your last comment said that she deserves FORGIVENESS, right? How in the world can she receive that if she DOESN'T tell her boyfriend what she did??? She committed wrong-doing to HIM, shouldn't HE decide whether he wants to forgive her or not? You are contradicting yourself...

Thank you there are sane people in this world!!!
I thought I was living in the twilight zone listening to their "advice"

I have been reading dearsugar for a LONG time, and I have never heard anyone give that kind of advice. What happened to Arthur, he was always a smart one!

ilove2ski- i find your comments disturbing as you are sounding very judging and not very forgiving. i think that you have good points to make. but as for you judging everyone who disagrees with your opinion-You should do unto others instead of pointing the finger and telling them they that they are wrong because they don't share your opinion. I am glad you are done posting on this subject. get off your high horse

Hey Guys. I love the banter about this topic, but please be nice to each other. I have to agree and stand behind my opinion that honesty is the best policy...however, it is still your choice. There are plenty of women out there who wouldn't want to know if their partner was cheating on them, I am just not one of them.

Catfight! let me get the tub of jello!

dating and being married aren't the same thing. the couple in question doesn't have the life time commitment that marriage has, they aren't even engaged. heck for most of the time they didn't even live in the same city. how much more casual can you get?

marriage changes the expectations, responsibilities and the day to day involvement. for those of you that aren't married this might not be something that you agree with, but it's kind of like having a child, you don't really understand what it means and how you feel until it happens.

here we have 2 college kids living in different city's with no real talk of making the relationship permanent. after 4 years there's obviously a reason for that (???). the comment about cheating was made by the boyfriend well after the affairs were over. who even knows how he would have felt back then. so why find out now?

if you want to "come clean" go to confession. then ask yourself why this relationship is dragging on so long w/o a formal commitment. is there really something worth sticking around for? maybe not. maybe that's why you've been looking around.

2 comments were removed from this thread. No attacking others.

ive been with my bf for 5yrs and he cheated on me once and told me, it nearly killed me but we got thru it then i ended up cheating on him once cuz i thought i was just sick of the relationship and wanted out. Come to find out i missed him horribly though and at first when i left him i didnt want to admit that it was for some other guy i had sex with, but i felt guilty as hell and told him about it. This was all like 4 months ago and he still has some trust issues every now and then but i cant say i blame him. It took me almost a year to get over him cheating on me. I guess if things are meant to work out though they will.

the fact that you cheated on him twice after he moved out there for you is what concerns me. are you sure your not staying with him out of guilt? its easy to get caught up in the longing and needing of a long distance relationship, the excitement of seeing each other and the hurt when you have to leave. now that he is close, you may feel bored and desire those highs and lows again. i think in a way you wanted to get caught so that you do not have to be the one doing the breaking up. i strongly suggest re evaluating your relationship ask yourself is this the person you truly want to be with, dont allow yourself to think "well he moved for me" that shouldnt even factor into the equation. if you decide that you dont want this relationship anymore then tell him why, dont bring up the cheating, there is no need to add insult to injury. if you do want this relationship, then you need to explain your feelings and your actions. you need to start a new chapter in your relationship and you cannot possibly do that with a guilty conscience. and please please please if you decide to marry this person, you guys should really get relationship counseling. its sooo beneficial and will help to ensure a long lasting marriage. good luck!
Tanning is not a skin color, Brian, its a lifestyle.

I don't think she should tell him. I told my bf that I dated his cousin almost 3yrs before I was with him and he cried! He can't even stand to see us both in the same room! I wish I had never told him, because he just gets so upset whenever I bring up any of my ex's, because he thinks of me with his cousin. If you never do it again, and there is no chance of him finding out through the grapevine, don't burden his thoughts with you cheating on him.

IMHO honesty is the best policy because lies always have a way of catching up to you in the end and hurting people much more.......